


why can't we be like that? ('cos i'm yours)

by evywithay



Category: Berena - Fandom, Holby City
Genre: F/F, berena - Freeform, holby city - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-02-16 06:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 49,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13047975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evywithay/pseuds/evywithay
Summary: “We’re all quite in awe of her up here.” Zosia told her.“Oh, I’m not surprised.” Serena said fondly. “She’s had me in awe since we were in our twenties.”Bernie and Serena meet at a party in their twenties and are instantly connected to one another in a way that surprises them both and sets their hearts racing. But with husbands on their arms and children in the near future is it a heart breaking case of the right person at the wrong time?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a bit of a labour of love and I'm super nervous to post it but I'm loving writing it so why not! The original idea for this fic came from Little Mix's 'Secret Love Song' and Ariana Grande's 'Into You' and then it grew a mind of it's own and here we are!
> 
> This is dedicated to Berena girls everywhere (especially Abi and Emily and others I see on my twitter timeline loving fic and being massively encouraging to writers!) I love the berena fandom ok.

Bernie Wolfe hated parties. Hated getting dressed up just to go to somebody else’s house to get drunk on cheap white wine. Marcus always insisted they go, the same party happened every year and somehow, no matter how hard she prayed, she was always home on leave. Always. The CEO of Marcus’s hospital held an annual ‘get to together’ or, “the annual piss up with the boss,” as Marcus and his colleagues liked to call it. He always looked forward to the night, seeing all his doctor friends and dressing up and drinking in his boss’s living room. So Bernie put on a smile, pulled a smart suit on and tried to control her fly away hair.  
They called a taxi because Marcus always got horribly drunk at these things and Bernie didn’t see why she shouldn’t be allowed to have a drink too if he was going to have one too many. Maybe he would get lucky tonight. She smiled at herself in the hallway mirror, being away had given her a orangey glow that only made her look more muscular than she already was. She had a little more makeup on than she usually did but it was perfectly applied and made her features stand out. She knew she would be by far the prettiest ‘partner’ there because she always was. Marcus was the only F1 with a wife and the older doctors had even older wives that couldn’t even begin to match her youthful beauty. She painted on some 5 year old red lipstick that had been forgotten at the bottom of her makeup bag as the taxi beeped it’s horn outside signalling it’s arrival. Marcus arrived behind her, wrapping his arms around her middle and smiling at her in the mirror.

“You’re gorgeous.” He said.  
“Thank you love.”

He kissed her on the cheek before squeezing her waist. The taxi honked it’s horn again. Bernie rolled her eyes and let her husband help her with her coat. She picked up her purse and house keys and turned on the hallway light.

“Tonight’s going to be great.” Marcus said as they left the house, Bernie locking up behind them. “The new doctor on the ward is a great laugh, I can’t wait to introduce you to him.”

When they got to the party it was already in full swing. The house was bursting with light and laughter and the sound of glasses being filled and being toasted. Bernie hated parties and clutched Marcus’s hand tighter as they made their way through to the living room with its pop up bar in the corner to find their host.

Dr Wetherby was ancient. An old tortoise without the shell, wrinkled and pale. He was a bit of a leech but he treated his staff well and everyone loved him like a Grandfather. Tonight he greeted his favourite F1 with arms wide open.

“Marcus!” He all but yelled over the music. “Come come, come on in you’re late! What will you have? What’s your tipple? And what will this pretty little one have eh?”

Bernie held her tongue for her husband’s sake, holding his hand tighter.

“Glad that we could make it Mr Wetherby, you remember my wife Bernie don’t you?” Marcus said, dropping her hand to shake his.  
“Of course, of course, looking mighty fine tonight old girl.”

Bernie cringed but was saved from having to say anything by Marcus who spoke again.

“White wine, Bern?” He asked.  
“Please.”  
“I’ll get them.”

And then Bernie was left. Marcus following Dr Wetherby to get the drinks then disappearing behind a pop up bar. Bernie really hated parties. She looked around for anyone she might know and spotted several people she recognised but didn’t know enough to just swan up and talk to. She could remember a time in the rapidly vanishing past when she would join Marcus and his doctor buddies, had been one of them for a time, for drinks at the pub next to the hospital after a long shift. Remembered when she used to be able to drink like a fish a couple of hours before a shift and be okay for the morning shift a couple of hours later. Now she found she knew nobody. A couple of exercises away and she had lost most of her friends from Holby but gained a bunch of friendly army medics that she suddenly felt she missed very much. The NHS wasn’t her anymore and at these parties she felt that more than ever. 

She wanted to go home but she knew that wouldn’t happen so she followed Marcus and made her way to the bar. Marcus beamed up at her and gave her her wine. She sipped it straight away, that’ll take away some of the anxiety at least, she thought. Marcus finished up his conversation with Dr Wetherby while he got distracted by a new arrival and took Bernie’s hand again, leading her away from the crowds and on to the patio through the patio window.

“Sorry, it’s a bit crowded.” He said, knowing she didn’t do crowds, didn’t do parties.  
“It’s nice out here.” She shrugged, sipping her wine.

Marcus pulled her into his side and she rested her head on his shoulder, it was quieter outside and they listened to the music and chatter from inside while they talked and sipped their wine.

It was the laughter that made them both turn. Girly and twee but with a wicked edge, a delicious wickedness. A tall man, around their age, an F1 she thought and a woman with shoulder length brown hair and the biggest eyes Bernie had ever seen had come through to the patio, red wine in hand. The couple definitely didn’t look like they were the type to shy away from a good party. Though she had never seen them before in her life, Marcus apparently had.

“Eddie, my man!” He boomed, in the way men did when they got together with their friends.

Bernie winced at the noise, noting the woman raise a single eyebrow at the scene of the two men embracing. She couldn’t help but smirk at the woman, who was cute as a button but also hot as hell in a skin tight black bardo dress and matching black heels. Well it appears that she had fallen down the attractive wife list quite significantly…

The two men had apparently forgotten they existed and were happily chatting about all things medical. Bernie took a long sip of her wine, realised she didn’t have any left and then shifted from foot to foot, trying to ignore the other woman’s intense gaze. She looked up though when the brunette cleared her throat loudly, halting the gossiping men. Marcus looked to Serena first and then to his wife. 

“Edward Campbell, this is my wife, Bernie Wolfe.”

He put an arm around her waist and moved her forwards a little, stopping her from disappearing in to the night. She shook Edward’s hand, flashing him a quick half smile.

“Nice to meet you Bernie, I’ve heard a lot about you.” Edward said happily. “And this is my wife, Serena, Serena this is Marcus Dunne, he’s on my ward, keeps me on track.”  
Serena smiled, a smile so bright that made Bernie frown. This woman was beautiful, stunning even. She instantly felt far too drab, felt stupid for putting on red lipstick…she never wore it, it was probably smudged, her mascara probably was too.

“How are you enjoying the party?” Serena asked the pair.  
“Oh it’s great, it always is, right Bern?” Marcus said.

Bernie blushed as she tore her eyes away from the bright light that was Serena Campbell, the woman in question smiling at her kindly. She nodded just in time to show that she was paying attention.

“Yes, great.”  
“That pop up bar is quite something.” Serena said then, with a laugh.

It was then when Marcus noticed Bernie’s empty glass, and Serena and Edward’s too. He drained his own.

“Let me get you another glass. White again Bernie?” He said, taking her glass from her. “Serena?”  
“Red please.”  
“Let me help you.” Edward said.

And Bernie groaned internally. Because of course. Marcus had been banging on about his new best mate Edward for weeks now and how much he wanted her to meet him, how much of a laugh he was, ‘he keeps me sane on that ward Bern.’ So it wasn’t a surprise…now that she thought about it…that they would spend all night together. And now she was left with his wife who looked like the exact opposite of her in every way. She looked like she was very popular, she had that look, like every one who stepped into her sunshine began to crave the light. She was insanely feminine in a way Bernie just hadn’t ever been. Her makeup was perfect and her hair was shiny and styled and she just looked soft. 

She also seemed to be staring at her with great interest that made Bernie squirm.

“I didn’t realise our husbands were such bosom buddies.” She said, voice marrying perfectly to the rest of her, her words clipped, her tone almost musical.  
“Marcus hasn’t talked about anything else since Edward started.” She smiled, looking back towards the house where she could see the two men standing by the bar.  
“Oh well.” Serena said. “He can be very popular, goodness knows why.”

Bernie laughed at this and Serena seemed surprised. She smiled herself and then dropped in to the garden bench that sat a little way in to the dark garden. Bernie hesitated but Serena patted the space next to her.

“Come on.” She said. “We may as well get to know each other.”

With a glance back to the house she did as she was told and joined the woman on the garden bench. All was quiet for a while and Bernie found she quite enjoyed the muted music from the house mixed with the sound of an owl a couple of gardens away. When, eventually, she turned to Serena she found the woman staring back at her.

“So what…what do you do, Serena Campbell?” She found herself asking.

Serena’s face lit up again but the smile didn’t come, just a smirk. Bernie took a deep breath and thought that maybe she was shaking because it was cold.

“I’m a Doctor. Training to be a surgeon actually.”

This surprised Bernie as the woman sitting beside her looked nothing like a Doctor. Still…she would bet anyone that Serena was going to be an excellent surgeon. 

“What about you?” The woman asked.  
“Same. Well, I’m in the RAMC. Trauma surgery.” Bernie told her.  
“Really? Fascinating.”  
“Marcus thinks I’m away too much, but it’s good training.” Bernie shrugged.  
“You don’t see a lot of trauma facilities in hospitals.” Serena said. “Trauma surgeons with expertise like you’re getting will be invaluable.”

Bernie felt her smile grow, despite herself. Marcus didn’t understand why she couldn’t just be a doctor who wanted to work in a hospital and help the sick people in that hospital and that was that. She loved her job, she loved going away and coming back having learnt on the job, having learnt so much that she couldn’t have learnt in a hospital. Serena smiled back and Bernie felt like maybe she could be friends with this woman after all, like maybe they weren’t too dissimilar. 

“I think so.” She said. 

Serena nodded then shivered slightly against the chill of the night. Bernie leant forward, tugging her thin wool coat off and draping it round Serena’s shoulders. Serena looked at her slightly puzzled but clutched on to the coat nevertheless. 

“Thank you Bernie.” Her voice low and quiet and slightly shy.

And Bernie suddenly had butterflies. Hadn’t heard her name spoken quite like Serena had said it. Wanted to hear it again. 

“You’re welcome.”

They had shifted closer, neither one quite knowing how and if Bernie hadn’t have known any better she would had thought that she was slightly tipsy. Her head buzzed pleasantly and her stomach fluttered with a thousand butterflies. She didn’t miss her coat because the warmth between the two of them was already making her cheeks burn a sweet pink. They were practically thigh to thigh when the sound of their husbands coming back over made them jump and widen the gap they hadn’t realised had closed.

Serena’s bright smile that Bernie found the image of already seared into her brain returned at the sight of her husband and Bernie had to fight to hold down a disappointed feeling that she didn’t really understand. Of course Serena would smile like that at her husband, so full of love and attention, she found that she craved a smile like that, vaguely wondered if she smiled at Marcus like that. 

“You’re missing the party, darling.” Edward chirped happily, passing off a red wine to his wife.  
“Bernie and I were just getting to know each other.” Serena looked to her, looked like she wanted to say something to her, didn’t.

Marcus noticed Bernie’s coat around Serena.

“It’s a bit cold out here isn’t it?” He said. “We should head in, there’s people I want you to meet Bern.”  
Bernie nodded and stood up, Marcus held out her wine.  
“Come and find me when they start the beer pong.” Marcus said to Edward, earning a loud laugh from the man.  
“A northern game is it? You won’t find a beer out here.”  
“I’ll take you to Yorkshire one day, down the local pub, you’ll love it.”

They laughed like this was the funniest thing in the world and then Bernie let herself get dragged away back up to the house. She looked back and Edward had taken her spot on the bench, Serena’s head resting on his shoulder.

Bernie had a decent evening in the end. It was boring but she drank plenty of wine and she was now suitably buzzed and probably not far from Marcus’s rapidly drunken state. She had spotted Serena at random times but tried not to stare. But of course now she was seeing things through heavily alcohol induced vision she was staring harder and for longer and letting herself notice things about her that she had purposely ignored earlier on.

Like how good her legs looked in those heels. How pretty her lips were. How the arch of her eyebrows made her want to get in trouble with the woman just to see how her eyes darkened when she was angry. She noticed her curves and her bare shoulders and her hands that grasped red wine, always red. And she noticed that Serena had been looking too, had even unbuttoned the top of her already see through blouse by pure “accident” just to give her a little show.

She had drank mostly that night to stop these kind of thoughts and to a degree it was working. The more she drank the more she reasoned with herself that these thoughts were just the drink and that really, she was just desperate for a shag. She had worn her matching underwear and drunk sex with her husband as soon as they fell through the door was a sure thing. 

Still, Serena Campbell had been gravitating towards her for the full night until somehow she found herself back on the patio in the shadowy darkness of the side of the house. Serena standing inches away from her, Bernie’s back against the red brick of the house. She had no idea where Marcus was, no idea where Edward was, she just knew that Serena was standing incredibly close and that her perfume was as intoxicating as the wine she had lost along the way. She closed her eyes as Serena’s nose nudged her own, their foreheads touching, their breathing falling into sync.

And she wanted so much to kiss her. So much it physically hurt to breathe and to swallow and to move even. This beautiful woman she had barely even spoken to, had just met, she wanted to kiss her and kiss her and kiss her until they could no longer breathe. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” Serena whispered.  
“I want to kiss you so much.” She said, voice husky barely loud enough to be heard over the music from inside that was considerably quieter now than earlier in the evening.  
“I know.”

Somehow her hand was in Serena’s hair and Serena’s finger tips were moving along the hem of her shirt and she couldn’t stop herself from pushing her lips to the corner of Serena’s mouth. Serena moved her body flush against Bernie’s and they both drew deep shuddering breaths.

Because this was crazy really. The attraction was too strong for them both to handle, the want and the need to be this close, was…unreal, like nothing either women had ever experienced before. 

Serena pulled away slightly and Bernie searched her face for some clue that she was feeling the same rush of thrill and lust and need and an almighty pull towards the other woman that Bernie had felt the first moment she had set eyes on her. She found it all. 

“What is this?” Serena asked, a small sort of wet laugh following.

Bernie smiled too and shook her head, her fingers playing with chestnut hair. She drew a breath.

“I don’t---.”  
“Serena? Are you out here?”

They sprung apart and straightened themselves out. Serena took a step backwards and the light over the backdoor came on and suddenly they were bathed in a bright yellow light, showing them off to all who bothered to look over. Lucky for Edward.

“There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”  
“I’m…er…I’ve been talking to Bernie.”

Bernie gave him a weak smile.

“In the dark?” He asked, a slight frown on his face.  
“What is it Edward?” Serena asked rather impatiently, stepping back once more, falling right in front of her husband.  
“The taxi’s here.” He said.  
“Right. Yes. I’m coming.”

Neither of them moved so Bernie did, she felt trapped by the wall, needed air, needed to be drunker, where had she put her wine glass? Maybe Dr Wetherby had broken out the spirits by now.

“Goodnight.” She walked past them but stopped short when Marcus appeared in the patio window.  
“Everyone’s leaving Bern, taxi’s here.” He said, swaying slightly.

He spotted his mate and another conversation started up.

“Eddie, mate, I’ll see you tomorrow, or today rather, bright and early.” He said, loudly, gleefully, leaving Bernie’s side and meeting Edward in the middle.  
“Fresh as a daisy old boy.” Edward boomed. “Don’t be calling in sick.”  
“Ha!”

Bernie glanced over at Serena who was staring at her and that desperate rush to be close to her swelled in her stomach. She watched as Serena took Bernie’s coat off her shoulders and stepped around the men. She handed it over and they had to force themselves to not make actual skin contact.

“Thank you.” Serena said, her bottom lip disappearing between her teeth as she moved backwards into Edward’s arms.

Marcus’s hand slipped in to hers and suddenly they were all saying their goodbyes and loading in to two different taxi’s. Marcus talked none stop about the party on the drive back and Bernie was all too happy to just sit and pretend to listen, lost in wonderful thoughts of Serena.

They got home quickly and before she knew it she was being pushed up against the front door, rough doctor’s hands under her shirt and on her bra, lips on her neck, on her cleavage, on her lips. She kissed back hard when an almost feral need to be taken there and then came over her in a wave. She fought his attempts to get her upstairs and instead he came into her 5 minutes later, up against the cold front door.


	2. Chapter 2

Bernie hated parties and tonight was no exception. The party came every year, the invitation arriving like clockwork, going up on the fridge 4 months before the fact. Marcus was like a little buzzing bee, buzzing around spreading excitement of his favourite day of the year around the ward. Bernie had tried her hardest, as she always did, to not be in the country. She was away even more now, working longer hours and taking on more responsibilities. Her relationship with her husband was fragile and strained, had been for at least half a year and Bernie thought that maybe if they had been on better terms she could have convinced him not to go, stay at home with her, watch some television, make up for the couple of months she had been away this time. 

But no. She was stood in front of the hallway mirror, just like she had been exactly a year ago, checking her makeup and brushing out her now much longer blonde hair. She thought, as she looked in the mirror, that she looked tired and worn. Her skin was dry and it had been a task to make her makeup look decent. She looked way too skinny too, Marcus had told her, and it was true, she had lost weight, so much so that the skirt she had picked out for tonight was all but hanging off her. She fiddled with the collar of her sheer black shirt and tried to tell herself that, as always, the alcohol she would consume would be enough to get her through it.

She was also hoping the alcohol would distract her from Serena Campbell who she knew would be in attendance. They had seen each another twice since last year’s party but not even two words had been spoken between them. It had been the most extraordinary year in which she couldn’t keep her mind from wandering to the other woman who, really, was a perfect stranger. But she could be in some desert somewhere, hands deep in some poor buggers abdomen and her mind would conjure up Serena, beautiful, perfect, utter stranger, Serena. And at home, doing housework, or some other terribly mundane activity, and she’d close her eyes and…bam, there was Serena. She had come to the conclusion, of course, that she just wanted to be friends with the woman. She didn’t really have many friends, never had, always wanted a best friend, that must have been it.

She could see though, through her reflection, that her eyes were giving away what her brain wanted to forget, to hide. She blinked a few times and brought a hand up to her hair, smoothing out a couple of frizzy bits around her face. She was happily married to a man and if they could work on their relationship they would try for a baby and then maybe another one and that’s how she would live. Happy and complete.

“Taxi.”

Marcus said, making her jump, as he ran down the stairs. He stopped short when he saw her, a smile beginning on his face. Bernie shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

“What?” She asked, straightening out her black pencil skirt.  
“You amaze me.” He said, making his way down the last few stairs.  
“Shut up.” She rolled her eyes and let him help her in to her coat.  
“You’re so beautiful.” He said, spinning her around to face him, hands on either side of her. “And I’m so lucky that you’re mine.”

She laughed and moved away from him. He grabbed his own coat and the door keys and they made their way to the waiting taxi.

“Well it’s safe to say that after last year I’m definitely not the most beautiful wife on the ward anymore.” She said as they loaded into the taxi, Marcus giving the driver Dr Wetherby’s address.

He sat back and fixed her with a puzzled look.

“You think Edith is prettier than you?” He asked.

She laughed, Edith was Dr Wetherby’s 80 something year old wife who, she supposed, could have been very pretty back in the day.

“No.”  
“Then who?”  
“Serena Campbell.”

She said it before she could stop herself and she immediately looked away from her husband and out of her window where she could see nothing but dark trees whizzing past the moving car. She felt her husband’s fingers lacing between hers and looked back to him. He just smiled.

“Serena has got nothing on you.” He said. “Though I do wonder how Edward managed to get her, she definitely settled in that situation.” 

Bernie agreed and nothing more was said on Serena Campbell, though she was all that Bernie could think about. The anticipation to see the woman was making her anxious and she had never wanted a glass of red wine more than she did now. 

The motion of the car made her feel sick and when they reached their destination she had to climb out fast, taking deep breaths of the cool night air to settle her stomach. The taxi drew away and Marcus held out his hand to her, the first time he had done that in months. She took it straight away, she saw it as an olive branch and it was what she needed, she wanted to make things right again with Marcus because she didn’t know what she would do if they split. She didn’t know she wouldn’t be tempted to act on the feelings that she knew were strictly not to be acted on if she wanted to get along in the army, have children, feel and be complete, a proper person.

So she gripped her husband’s hand tighter and they made their way up to the house. They were soon handed glasses of wine and Marcus was soon working the room, chatting to everybody, telling funny stories of hospital life and generally just charming everyone within a 1 mile radius of his spot. She had one glass after the other but it didn’t seem to be making one single jot of difference. As the night wore on and more people arrived, Marcus got more tipsy and she felt…nothing. Parties had never appealed to her, she didn’t know anyone and for the past two hours she had been following around Marcus who seemed to be having a whale of a time.

And not a peep of the Campbell’s, and Bernie had been looking, searching the crowds every 15 minutes or so. At ten to ten she excused herself from the group Marcus was currently entertaining and went to get herself a drink, making eye contact with none of the other guests as she went, hoping she was invisible. She grabbed a red and thought that maybe the darker liquid may set off the drunkenness she so desired for this incredibly abysmal night. She downed the glass nearly all in one and grabbed another to go. She spun towards Marcus but stopped, she needed it to be quiet, just for a second and he wouldn’t miss her anyway. So she took herself off until she found somewhere quiet that wasn’t crowded with doctors and nurses and board members. The staircase in front of the door seemed a welcome sanctuary to her and she climbed five or so steps before sitting down and taking a swig.

She hated parties.

She was sat for only a minute before someone cleared their throat behind her and she felt her quiet sanctuary being ripped away from her, she wasn’t ready to go back to her husband, she sipped her wine again and moved over so she was pressed against the wall, plenty of space for the person to get past and to leave her alone.

But they didn’t.

“Hello stranger.”

She jumped out of her skin at the familiar voice, her head tipping upwards, following the woman as she squeezed onto the stair next to her. Sitting thigh to thigh with Bernie.

“Hi.” She breathed, from going to pining for Serena to being sandwiched next to her on the secluded staircase.

Serena smiled sweetly at her.

“Enjoying the party?” She asked.  
“I don’t really do parties.” Bernie said, with a shrug. “More Marcus’s thing than mine.”  
“Forced to come along?”  
“Dragged kicking and screaming.”  
“Oh dear.” Serena laughed.   
“I haven’t seen you or Edward around.” Bernie said.  
“We’ve just gotten here, Edward’s straight to the bar but I needed to powder my nose before I was ready to face anyone.” Serena told her.  
“I think everyone’s way past sobriety by now.” Bernie said, sipping her wine but feeling the opposite of what she was saying.

Serena just shrugged, her arm rubbing against Bernie’s who moved away at the touch. 

“Powder or no powder though you’re the most beautiful person here.” Bernie said.

Serena looked touched and surprised and managed a smile to the blonde.

“Thank you.” She said and Bernie immediately blushed.   
“You’re welcome.” She gulped her wine and noted Serena looking at her with some amusement.   
“What?”

If she had snapped Serena didn’t call her out, just smiled, or was she smirking? Bernie couldn’t tell.

“Nothing.”

Bernie drained the rest of her wine, put the glass down and pulled herself up. She had not planned on what she would do if she saw Serena tonight but if she had this wasn’t what it would have been like. Her mind reeled as the wine finally hit her, images of what she really wanted, pinning Serena to the stairs, carpet burn of their elbows, on the bare skin of Serena’s back in her backless dress, soft lips she’d barely got to touch a year ago before. She stumbled down a couple of stairs before Serena caught her by the arm. 

“Bernie, don’t go.” She said, voice a little louder than usual.

Bernie stopped, looked up to Serena and reluctantly did what she was told. She sat back down next to Serena and waited for the woman to say something, to say what she wanted to say.

“What happened last year…” She started.

Bernie held her breath. She had imagined this conversation many times, didn’t think it could end well. Was she going to laugh it off? Put it down to the drink? She didn’t think she could bare it, knew it was going to come, wanted to leave but couldn’t. So she sat and waited and didn’t make eye contact. Serena continued.

“I…” She stopped, hesitated for a moment, carried on when Bernie was brave enough to look up, look her right in the eye. “Do you ever think about it?”

Bernie was knocked back by the question. Did that mean Serena thought about it? She managed a nod.

“Yes.” She muttered.  
“Me too. Silly I know.” She laughed, a self protective laugh, shaky and unsure, which Serena rarely was. “You have a husband and I have a husband and we love them but I…”  
“What?”

Bernie could feel her heart hammering in her chest, faster than she had ever felt it go, racing just as fast as her brain was, making her lose her breath, making her tremble. Serena seemed to take forever to answer, to find an answer, she tracked Bernie’s features, her rich brown expressive eyes, her cheekbones, her thin, slightly pouted mouth. She looked at it all until her eyes got stuck on her lips and she talked to them.

“There’s just something about you Bernie.” She said.

And that was enough for Bernie who launched herself at Serena, lips crashing together, hand going to soft brown hair, fingers tangling themselves in between shiny locks. If Serena had gotten a shock she recovered quickly because she was soon kissing the blonde back, hands gripping on to any bit of Bernie she could. They kissed like their lives depended on it and Bernie was soon lost in this new sensation of kissing a woman, kissing this woman. She hadn’t dared imagined what it would feel like to kiss Serena. It was hot and controlled but messy and free at the same time. It was soft, oh so soft, and it just felt natural. She had never enjoyed kissing, ever, not with any of her very few boyfriends, not even with Marcus, always giving just a peck and when it came to sex, preferring to skip that part all together. But kissing Serena…she didn’t want to stop, could feel the sensation in every part of her body, could feel the heat rising with every kiss. 

Eventually Serena pulled away, her hand still resting on Bernie’s cheek. And she was giving Bernie one of those bright smiles that had plagued her dreams for a full year, one of those smiles that she had craved so much.

“Sorry.” She breathed, dropping her hand from Serena’s hair.

Serena gave a laugh, brought their faces close again, giving a soft kiss to Bernie’s forehead. 

“I wouldn’t worry about it.” She said.

Bernie laughed and they pulled back again, this time Serena finding her hand, clasping it in hers, holding tight. They sat squashed together for 10 minutes after that, making jokes and talking about their work and never losing contact. Eventually though it was time they got back to the party. Serena stood first, letting go of Bernie’s hand. Bernie picked her empty glass up as Serena made her way down the stairs, turning as she got to the bottom.

“We don’t even know each other.” She said.  
“Do you want to be my friend?” Bernie asked, quietly.

Because they both had husbands. And how far could this, whatever this was, go? 

“Friends who kiss at parties?” Serena asked, one eyebrow raising.  
“I like you, Serena.” Bernie said, her face so serious that Serena could only swallow the lump in her throat and nod.  
“Okay.” Serena said. “Alright. Let’s be friends.”

Bernie nodded and both of their hearts sank. They would be friends because that’s how they would be able to spend time with each other. Bernie would push down the feelings that she had for women like she always had. And Serena would push down her feelings for Bernie because she was married and so was Bernie and she didn’t want to ruin both of their lives. And this feeling would stay with them forever, the feeling of being so pulled to another person.

And they wouldn’t speak for another month. And then Bernie would find out that she was pregnant and Serena would be there for her because somehow she knows Bernie and she knows that this will be hard for her and she knows herself, knows that she can’t just do without Bernie, knows she has to let herself have some indulgence, however selfish that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has left such nice comments and given my story kudos! You're all so lovely!   
> ps. The next chapter will be much longer


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants a newborn Cameron Dunne? Well look no further!
> 
> As always, thank you for all the lovely feedback!

Serena Campbell was a very practical woman. She didn’t believe in witchcraft or the supernatural or psychic powers. She had once believed in a God she was sure but over the years her belief had lapsed and now she didn’t believe in anything. Nothing at all. She definitely didn’t believe that two people were linked so deeply that if they were in trouble you felt it. Nothing. 

So when she awoke to a pitch black bedroom, her husband sound asleep next to her she thought that perhaps a noise, now long gone, from outside had awoken her sleep. It was unusual for her to wake but not unheard of if disturbed so she changed position under the duvet and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and prepared herself to drift back off, to not remember this little disturbance in the morning. But sleep didn’t come, wouldn’t even let her eyes stay closed. She blinked furiously to herself in the dark and gave in. She through her legs out of bed, fished out for her dressing gown over the duvet and crept across the room and down the stairs, careful not to wake her husband. 

The rest of the house was cold outside of the blankets of her bed so she pulled her dressing gown tighter around her body. The kitchen invited her in with the promise of tea and biscuits so she lit up the room and tiptoed over the cold tiles, realising she had forgotten her slippers too late. She yawned despite her apparent insomnia and flipped the switch on the kettle, wiggling her toes to warm them. The kettle boiled soon enough and she splashed the boiling water over the tea bag slowly. Crossing over to retrieve the milk from the fridge she glanced up at the clock on the kitchen wall. It was an old clock that had come from Edward’s Mother’s attic when they had first moved in to the house but it still worked and it told her what she needed, told her what time she was wondering around downstairs when she could be fast asleep upstairs.

Five to Midnight. So not too late then. She had hoped for an early night though. She finished up her tea and wondered through to the living room where she settled on to the couch, pulling a blanket over herself and switching on the television. A late night news programme was starting so she settled for watching that. She sipped her cooling tea as the date changed in one corner of the screen. She squinted at it and something clicked in her brain, she shrugged off the blanket and padded through to the kitchen where the calendar hung beside the backdoor. She traced her finger down the page until she got to today’s date and she saw it, in her own swirly handwriting.

‘Cameron due’.

She turned back to go in to the living room when somewhere in the house her pager started beeping like mad. She stopped and listened, placing her tea down and going for her handbag on the kitchen table. She rummaged around and pulled out the beeping object, silencing it quickly. She looked at the message on the thin screen.

‘CALL B3RNIE’

Even as a pregnant, married, grown woman, Bernie still felt the need to replace the ‘E’ in her name to a ‘3’, every single time. She rolled her eyes but she couldn’t help be weary of the time, nobody called after 9 o’clock on a night and a middle of the night call was a thing to worried about. Still, she went to the phone that hung in its cradle in the hallway and dialled Bernie’s number. It only rang once before it was picked up.

“Serena?”

Serena felt her stomach drop at the sound of Bernie’s frantic voice.

“What is it?” She asked, quickly. “Are you alright?”  
“My waters have broken, I’ve gone in to labour.”

Serena’s mind was whirring. Bernie needed to stay calm, she needed to phone the hospital, she needed to breathe. She heard a deep breath through the phone followed by a whimper that hit Serena straight in the heart.

“It really hurts, Serena.” Bernie moaned.  
“Have you phoned the hospital?”   
“They told me to head in, my contractions are pretty close together apparently.” She moaned through another to prove it. “And I – I’ve called a taxi.”  
“A taxi?” Serena asked with a frown. “Why?”  
“Marcus is at work.” Bernie said, breathless and distracted by her own pain. “He got called in about an hour ago, we didn’t think anything was going to happen this soon.”  
“Do you want me to call him?” Serena asked, she knew her friend was strong enough to get through this on her own, determined enough…probably stupid enough too, but Marcus needed to be there.  
“No I --.” She stopped, breathed deeply through the pain like the books had suggested, tried to focus on Serena’s voice on the other end of the line. “I’ve left a message with his department but he’s in theatre, they’re short staffed.”

Bernie’s end of the line went silent for a moment or too and Serena’s mind was whirring.

“Bernie?”  
“I’m scared Serena.”

She had never heard Bernie quite so quiet and so small. Her heart quickened and she sprung in to action. She couldn’t leave her to do this alone because then what kind of a friend would she be then? She only wished she could click her fingers and be right there with her, click her fingers and for this all to be alright.

“Right.” She moved as far as the phone cord could let her and flicked on the hallway light. “Bernie I’m coming to the hospital. Get the taxi and I’ll meet you there alright?”  
“Alright.” Came Bernie’s tiny response.  
“Have you got your bag and everything you need?” She asked.  
“Mm-hm.”  
“Good. Good.” She paused. “It’ll all be alright Bernie, I promise.”  
“Really?”  
“Really.”  
“My taxi’s here.”  
“I’ll see you soon.”  
“Bye.”

Serena hung up quickly and hopped into the living room to turn the tv off quickly before racing upstairs. She turned on her bedside lamp and leaned over her husband who had managed to stay asleep despite the rather harsh lighting change. 

“Darling, wake up.” She said, running a hand down his arm, softly.

He stirred, opening one eye, looking at her in confusion.

“What’s happened? What’s wrong?” He asked.

She moved across the room and started to change in to clothes, shedding her nightie and dressing gown messily. 

“I need you to cover Marcus’s shift.” She said, throwing on a shirt. “Bernie’s in labour and he’s in theatre.”

Her husband stretched and yawned but swung his legs out of the bed and began to get dressed just as he was told. 

Serena was dressed quickly and was back down the stairs before Edward had even located a pair of trousers. She grabbed her handbag and put on a coat, making sure she had her beeper with her should Bernie want to get in touch again. When Edward was finally ready she was waiting for him, car keys in her hand all ready to go. He rubbed her back as he collected his own things.

“It’ll be okay.” He said, grabbing his own car keys.

She frowned at him, shaking her own car keys in the air.

“I have an early shift I may as well stay.” He said as they bundled out of the front door together and out in to the dark night. “And no doubt you’ll want to stay with Bernie for a while.”

They got to Serena’s car and Edward kissed her on the cheek.

“I’ll send Marcus down.” He said, stifling a yawn. “Send Bernie my love will you…and come and see me before you go home later.”

She nodded and unlocked her car as he went to his. The car was cold as she got in so she started the engine and spun the heating up. She took a deep breath and noticed for the first time that her hands were shaking. They had been waiting for this baby to arrive, it seemed like Cameron had been on his way for more than nine months but even so she didn’t feel at all ready for it. She watched Edward pulling out of the drive behind her through her rear view mirror and placed her hands on the steering wheel, willing herself to put the car in reverse and leave behind him. But she suddenly felt overwhelmed and not so in control of the situation as she had been upstairs. 

Bernie had become a friend, a good friend, one would even say and though initially she had been taken by surprise with the news of Bernie’s pregnancy she had eventually gotten excited for little Cameron to be born. The baby would be part of their friends, an extension of them and there was no doubt that he would be loved. Serena thought that maybe she already loved the little boy, he was a part of Bernie and how could anyone not love Bernie. 

Their friendship had been a surprise. Mostly to their husbands but for them too. It was a kind of friendship that Serena hadn’t experienced before. After their kiss, which now seemed very far in to the past indeed, they hadn’t spoken despite promising to remain friends. Honestly, Serena hadn’t expected them to, didn’t see how they could. Serena was old enough, and had been around the block enough times, had her heart broken, and had broken enough hearts herself, to know what romantic feelings felt like. She knew, straight away, at that first party, that she felt for Bernie more than friends usually felt for each other. She also knew though that she had never had feelings for a woman before, was a well known flirt but nothing that had felt like this, like Bernie and that she had a husband, and so did Bernie. And they were happy, or at least they had been, and they owed it to their husbands to not run after some unexplored attraction. And maybe being friends would be enough, it would be a different kind of friendship, they could do that couldn’t they? 

Time heals all, was what her Mother always told her. Maybe time would take away the loop of Bernie her brain played 24/7. She hoped it would, for the sake of keeping Bernie in her life.

She sighed and stopped for a red light. She blinked and wondered when she had fastened her seat belt, pulled out of the drive and had driven to the hospital. She needed to get her control back, she needed to wake up. She gripped the steering wheel harder, her knuckles turning a painful white and turned into the carpark for the hospital. She used the staff parking and pulled into one of many free spots, placing her staff parking pass in the windscreen. As she got out she saw Edward’s car already parked and hurried across the car park and in to the hospital. When she got into the foyer she made for the lift and was soon delivered up to the maternity ward where she went to the desk. She realised she must look dreadful with her bare, makeup less face and messy hair from bed. She vowed to herself for the 100th time that week to get it cut short. The nurse at the desk smiled warmly at her however and pointed her in the direction of Bernie. 

When she found her, she was in a bed right at the end of the maternity ward, blonde hair tied up, hospital gown hanging off her, sat on the side of the bed, breathing deeply through her contractions. 

“Bernie.” She said it in a sigh, feeling the relief of eventually being with the blonde wash over her. 

Bernie looked up to see Serena and immediately felt tears spring to her eyes. She was sheet white and looked terrified and Serena was with her in a second. She reached for her hand and Bernie laced their fingers together.

“Took your time.” She said, her laugh shaky.

Serena laughed, stroking at thumb over the back of Bernie’s hand. 

“If you want me to leave.” She said, with a smile.  
“No.” Bernie said, squeezing her eyes shut as another contraction hit. “Don’t you dare go anyway, I need you.”

Serena nodded, feeling her heart lift at Bernie’s declaration. She perched herself on the end of the bed, next to Bernie and rubbed her back, slowly making circles with her hand as the contraction hit its peak and then calmed. 

“The nurse said it would be soon.” Bernie mumbled, trying to remember the breathing techniques she had learnt in her various baby books that she had flicked through, mostly to get her to sleep on a night when Cameron was kicking. “She did a lot of investigating down there, thought she’d gotten lost.” 

Serena breathed out a laugh, continuing her rubbing, around and around in a circle. Bernie sighed under her touch and leant heavily against her, head leaning on her shoulder, eyes dropping closed. 

“What if I can’t do this, Serena?” It was whispered, like it was a secret that only Serena could know. “What if I can’t be a Mother?”

Serena turned her head and let her mouth press against Bernie’s hair. Bernie breathed a gentle Hm at their closeness, at the feel of Serena against her, seeking comfort at her most uncomfortable. She pressed a gentle kiss to the blonde curls and squeezed their still interlocked hands.

“You can do anything.” She said, just as quietly as Bernie.

Another contraction hit and Bernie moaned as the pain hit, burying her face in to Serena’s neck, her hand squeezing Serena’s hard at the pain.

“Never again.” She said, her voice low. “Never, ever, again.”  
“Okay.” Serena went back to rubbing her back until the contraction subsided then gently peeled Bernie off. Bernie made tiny noises of resistance but Serena stood anyway. “Lie down, take some gas and air.”

Bernie didn’t argue and soon she was on her back, half sitting, half lying, uncomfortable as any expectant Mother. Serena reached for the gas and air and handed it to her friend who took a drag straight away, the pain was getting worse and she thought that she had definitely underestimated how much having a baby actually hurt. Serena couldn’t help herself but touch Bernie’s shoulder as she lay on the bed, stomach bulging. Her thumb resumed stroking the material over her shoulder as Bernie continued to moan through her contractions which seemed to be coming thick and fast. 

She looked to the machine next to the bed which was reading the contractions, the black ink was reporting bigger spikes of pain and Serena could feel her heart go out to Bernie. She leant over the bed slightly and moved her hand up to Bernie’s fringe which was starting to stick to her damp forehead. Bernie looked to her at the touch, her brown eyes sparkling with tears that came from exhaustion and the kind of pain that makes your eyes water. She closed her eyes and let herself sink into the pillow. She took another drag on the gas and air as a nurse came over. They watched as the nurse checked her over, Serena moving away as she examined Bernie’s stomach, feeling for the position of the baby. When she was finished with her examination she offered them a bright smile that Serena found she frowned at.

“I think baby is ready.” She cooed and Serena nearly laughed at loud at Bernie’s annoyance at the bright, extremely enthusiastic, nurse.  
“Great.” Bernie said through gritted teeth.

The nurse turned and left them, off to fetch the midwife. Serena watched her go then looked back to Bernie.

“Where’s Marcus?” She asked, more to herself than to Serena but Serena answered anyway.   
“I got Edward to cover for him.” She told her. “Dragged him out of bed, he should be down soon.”

She looked at her watch, thought he better get a move on or he would miss his son being born, wondered if she should go and look for him but couldn’t leave Bernie. 

“You didn’t have to do that.” Bernie mumbled.  
“But you’re glad I did.” Serena said with a smirk.  
“Very.”

Bernie gave her a small smile and Serena savoured it until Bernie’s eyes moved from her to something behind her. She didn’t have to guess what it was, who it was. Marcus greeted her with a hand on the back and a kiss on the cheek before moving to his wife, kissing her too. 

“How are you feeling, love?” He asked.  
“Horrible.” Bernie answered.  
“They’re taking her in soon, looks like your little boy is ready to come out.” Serena told him.

As if the midwife and the overly peppy nurse had heard her, they chose to take her words as a cue and came towards Bernie. The midwife gave them a friendly smile.

“Hello Bernie.” She said.  
Bernie mumbled back a greeting, afraid that if she spoke, if she opened her mouth she would be sick with the pain.  
“Let’s get this baby out of you shall we.”

Bernie nodded, she wanted this baby out, if only to stop the pain. Serena took a step back as the nurse moved a wheelchair to the bed for Bernie to get in to be taken to the delivery room. Marcus fussed around, every bit the nervous Father and Serena wondered what she would do now, go home? Wait? Would they find it strange if she waited? Would Marcus? She drifted further away, letting Marcus become the support she had been for Bernie for a little while. Bernie resisted help getting off the bed and in to the wheelchair, scowling at Marcus when he tried to give her a hand down. The midwife gestured for the nurse to start to move Bernie and Serena was ready to drift off somewhere when suddenly Bernie said her name, called out for her. The nurse stopped pushing and everyone turned to her, she took two steps and crouched down in front of the wheelchair. Bernie caught her hand and whimpered as another contraction hit her.

“Promise you’ll be here when I come back.”  
“I promise.”  
“I’m scared.”  
“I know.” Serena said, reaching up to move the fluffy blonde fringe out of chocolate brown eyes. Bernie leant in to her touch, seeking comfort. “But very soon you’re going to have a beautiful baby boy and it’ll all have been worth it.”

Bernie nodded and let go of Serena’s hand. She stood up.

“I’ll see you soon.”

The party started up again and soon the nurse had wheeled Bernie off the ward, the midwife and Marcus following alongside. Serena checked her watch again and supposed she should get a coffee to keep her awake. She ran a hand over her tired eyes and looked down the hall to where Bernie had disappeared. She felt a pang of something that felt quite like loneliness, of want to have been the one to go with Bernie, to comfort her as she brought her son in to the world. 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Two and a half hours later, Cameron Alistair Dunne was brought in to the world, screaming the hospital down, rosy red cheeks puffed, eyes firmly closed. Both Mother and baby were doing and well and soon enough it was morning and visitors where allowed. Marcus past Serena on his way out and they hugged, Serena offering her congratulations. He told her he was going for coffee and she nodded, eager to see the new baby. She pushed open the door to the private room and poked her head in to the room. 

Bernie was sitting up in bed, a bundle of soft blue blankets in her arms. Serena watched as Bernie stared down at her newborn son, already so full of love that her eyes sparkled in a way Serena had never seen before. As she stood by the door, watching Mother and baby, not daring to even make a sound, she knew that she would never see Bernie as beautiful as she was right now. She watched as the skin around Bernie’s eyes started to wrinkle with a smile. Little bits of blonde hair were still stuck to a damp forehead and her cheeks were flushed more than usual. She was smiling, her thin lips rosy pink. 

As if sensing Serena’s presence, Bernie managed to tear her gaze away from her son for possibly the first time since he was born. She didn’t stop smiling.

“You were right.” She said simply, her face glowing.  
“About what, darling?” Serena asked, closing the door behind her.  
“I did it. I can do anything.” She breathed out a laugh and looked back down to her baby.

Serena chuckled and crept over to the bed so as not to wake Cameron. She rested a hand on Bernie’s shoulder as she peaked over to see the baby they had been waiting so long to see. He was perfect, truly. Soft and pink and sleeping and so beautiful. She reached down and stroked a finger over his cheek.

“Oh Bernie.” She whispered, feeling a rush of love for the family. “He’s beautiful.”  
“Thank you.” Bernie said.

She shifted Cameron so he was snug and secure in the corner of her elbow on her right arm and brought her other hand up to Serena’s so she was moving her own finger over the soft of Serena’s skin. Serena gave a contented sigh, happy for Bernie, basking in the serenity that little Cameron had brought to the room, to their worlds. She perched on the side of the bed, close to Bernie, hand moving away from baby to Bernie’s thigh. Bernie cast another look to Cameron before looking back Serena. She attempted to sort out her hair and she knew she must look awful, childbirth was a messy business she had learnt. She suddenly felt self conscious as Serena looked at her, something hard but soft in her eyes. 

“What?” She mumbled, looking over at her through her thick fringe.  
“Stop fussing with your hair.” Serena said, fondly. “It’ll always be a mess.”

Bernie huffed but couldn’t stop a smile spreading across her face. 

“I must look awful.” She said.   
“You look perfect.” Serena said, quietly, suddenly not sure how the close friendship they had managed to build up would change with Bernie becoming a Mother. 

She gave a tiny flick of a smile, cleared her throat uncomfortably and went to move from the bed, maybe she should leave, or maybe she should have chosen the outdated green armchair next to the bed. Before she could move, she was stopped by Bernie’s hand on hers. 

“Stay…for a little while, please?” Bernie asked, pleading nearly.  
“You should rest.” Serena said, squeezing her hand.

Bernie nodded, looking back to Cameron who was snuffling in his sleep. They both smiled at the tiny noises he was making for a long second.

“He’s all mine.” Bernie said, eyes still on her son. “All mine to love and protect.”  
“I’m so proud of you.”

Bernie gave a watery smile.

“Really?” She asked, her voice disappearing behind a new wave of emotion.

Serena nodded, before her watch caught her eye.

“Now you really need to rest, you’ve just created a human, you deserve a nap.” She said.

Serena leant over to kiss Bernie’s cheek, both of them closing their eyes at the touch. They lingered close for a long second or two, Serena placing another quick peck on her cheek before pulling away.

“Congratulations Bernie.”


	4. Chapter 4

The first few weeks of being a Mother suited Bernie perfectly. Cameron was an angel baby so it seemed. He never cried, latched straight away at feeding time, and was adored my everyone who visited with their cards and presents for the newborn. Marcus had only taken off a few days before going back to work and Bernie found she didn’t mind. Her and Cameron were working on becoming quite the dream team and she was happy that they were finding a routine like all the baby books had said.

The bliss lasted all of 3 weeks before Cameron got a fever and wouldn’t stop crying no matter what she did. She was up all night with the crying baby, stripping him and bathing him and then covering him up and trying to feed him. Nothing had worked and Marcus had left the house that morning earlier than usual to get away from the crying he had left Bernie to deal with throughout the night.

By lunchtime Bernie was at her wits end and at the point of tears. Her head was banging and Cam was still crying, she hadn’t slept and she was utterly lost. She had taken to rocking him gently over her shoulder because he seemed more comfortable but he still whimpered and screamed when she stopped moving or tried to sit down. Her eyes were itching and her back was hurting and she hadn’t had anything to eat so when the phone rang, startling them both and causing Cameron to scream she nearly ripped the handset off the wall, it’s curly wire bouncing wildly. 

“What?” She said, her voice raised, half so she could be heard and half because she was so annoyed.

There was silence for a second before Serena’s voice came through the earpiece. Bernie nearly cried at the sound of it, didn’t realise how much she had needed to hear a friendly voice.

“It’s me.” The brunette surgeon said kindly. “Are you alright? Or more to the point…is Cameron alright?”

Bernie frowned at the phone as she bobbed up and down on the spot trying to get her son to settle. Maybe to stop crying for one minute.

“Why wouldn’t he be alright?” She snapped. “What, just because he’s crying you think I’ve done something wrong? That I can’t look after my child?”  
“No.” Serena’s voice came in hard and hurt and confused more than anything.

Cameron gave another scream that pierced Bernie’s heart a little. Her little boy was hot and uncomfortable and she didn’t know what to do, how to help her tiny son.

“Sorry.” She muttered, because Serena hadn’t done anything wrong.  
“What’s going on, Bernie?”  
“Cam won’t stop crying and he won’t sleep or feed, he’s got a high temperature, nothing’s working, I’m at my wits end, Serena.” Bernie admitted, feeling the threat of tears behind her eyes.  
“I’m coming over.” Serena said after a brief pause. “I clock off in five and I’ll be straight over, alright?”

Bernie was too exhausted to argue so she agreed and hung up the phone, shifting Cameron again on her shoulder and beginning to pace the living room, round and round the coffee table, a gentle hand stroking the baby’s back. 

Ten minutes she was waiting by the front door anxiously. She didn’t want Serena to ring the doorbell and disturb Cameron even further, though she doubted if she would have actually heard the doorbell over his pitiful screams. She wished Marcus was here, wished he would actually take him in the night at least once just to give her some rest. She had no doubt that when Cameron was older he would be a great Dad but right now she felt further away from her husband than ever. 

She lowered herself down onto one of the stairs that lay directly in front of the front door and willed Serena to get here. She didn’t necessarily know what difference having her here was going to make but she knew she didn’t want to be alone. She clutched the baby to her and five minutes later the front door opened and Serena arrived in a flurry of shopping bags. She jumped slightly when she saw Bernie sitting there but just smiled.

“I got supplies.” She said.

 

Serena had always been the organised one. Had always been the calm to Bernie’s storm. So when she had emptied the shopping she had gotten on her way back from work she had started to fill up Cameron’s grey plastic baby bath with cool water, Bernie just watching on dumbly, holding onto her baby and her last shred of sanity. 

Serena checked the water then held her hands out to take Cameron. Bernie hesitated, still rocking the tiny screaming mite in her arms.

“I got some calpol for the fever.” Serena told her. “And some gentle bath stuff that Ms Taylor up on Otter ward suggested, it helps them relax. Let me help you, we’ll help him together.”

Bernie nodded and handed him over to her friend. Serena’s face lit up when he was in her arms, like it always did, and Bernie felt herself relax for the first time in many, many hours. They bathed him together, just like Serena had said and he did seem to settle a little, his face becoming a picture of calm though he still gave whimpers. When they were done, Bernie wrapped him in a towel and reached for a nappy and didn’t argue when Serena sent her into the living room. 

She dried the tiny boy and pulled on his nappy before deciding to leave him just in his nappy, thinking he’d be more comfortable and cooler this way. His cheeks were less ruddy red from crying and more a healthy rosy pink and she felt herself relax. Serena came in with the calpol and a cup of tea for each of them. She put the mugs down on the coffee table, shaking the pink bottle of medicine as she perched on the end of the couch next to her.

“This’ll do the trick.” She said.

Between them they managed to spoon feed him a whole dosage and he didn’t seem to mind it much either.

“There.” Serena cooed, running a finger over his pink cheek. “What a good boy.”

She felt his stomach then and gave a ‘hm’ in response.

“What?” Bernie asked, suddenly tense once again.

Serena was the one studying in a hospital with proper patients with domestic injuries and illnesses, she felt way out of her depth, only dealing in badly broken bones and skin and blasted organs and shrapnel. Maybe Marcus had been right…maybe she should have studied at a hospital, maybe she was wasting her time with trauma surgery. What was the point fixing a stranger who would surely go on to die when she couldn’t fix her own son?

She felt Serena’s hand on her arm and dragged herself from her thought. She brought her own hand to her son’s stomach and felt the same heat Serena did. She looked up to her friend, eyes wide and fearful, as any new Mother would be in this situation. Serena just gave her a reassuring smile and reached out and very gently lifted Cameron, settling him in the crook of her elbow.

“Unbutton your shirt.” She said.  
“What?”  
“The calpol will kick in soon but until then, I think he will benefit from skin to skin contact.” Serena told her. “Maybe he’ll try feeding too.”

She was too tired and desperate to question Serena and really, why would she? Serena was shaping up to be a truly fantastic Doctor and she would trust her with any medical decision she made. Though she hadn’t changed out of her pyjama bottoms she had managed to pull on a white button down shirt, just in case Cameron might find a break in his cries to feed. She had no bra under and she figured that Serena would just have to excuse her lack of togetherness. She unbuttoned the shirt down to her navel and managed to open it without exposing herself. Serena laid Cameron on her chest and immediately he turned his head so his ear lay above her heart. He snuffled and sniffed and whimpered as the two women talked quietly, Bernie slowly stroking his back, up and down. They drank their tea, Serena helping Bernie sip her own, bringing the mug to her lips and tipping gently. Bernie did her best to relax for Cameron and finally, 30 minutes later, he was asleep and snoring gently.

“I think the calpol worked.” Serena whispered, gazing at the boy lovingly.   
“I think so.” Bernie couldn’t help but smile as she stared at the top of her son’s head.

There was a long moment of silence where they both just stared at the boy on Bernie’s chest. They had inched closer to each other over the course of the afternoon, like they always did when they sat next to each other, couldn’t help it, didn’t want to, and now Serena’s head was very close to Bernie’s shoulder. She brought her legs up onto the sofa and shuffled so she sat sideways, her knees touching Bernie’s thigh. She dropped her head onto the back of the sofa and stared down at Bernie’s shoulder, her face close to the white fabric of Bernie’s shirt. 

“Bernie…” She muttered after a while.

Bernie made a noise of response that made Serena chuckle, her whole chest moving with the sound and the effort.  
“I just want you to know…” She said quietly, aware of the sleeping baby very close by. “That you are a great Mother.”  
“I don’t feel like one, not after today anyway.” Bernie said, her teeth gritted slightly.

Serena moved a hand to Bernie arm and squeezed gently.

“He’s going to be fine, Bernie.”   
“Thanks to you.”  
“Thanks to his Mother.” Serena said firmly.

Bernie seemed to think for a moment.

“Thanks to calpol.” She said, a small smile playing on her lips.

Serena breathed out another laugh and moved her hand away from Bernie arm and to Cameron’s little arm instead.

“Calpol heals all.” She said with a smile.

She moved two fingers up to Cameron’s forehead and was happy to feel cool skin again. As she did however, Cameron started to stir. She moved her hand back and they both fell deadly silent.

“Did I wake him?” She whispered. 

She felt Bernie shake her head rather than saw her as she hadn’t taken her eyes off Cameron. They both watched as he sleepily opened his eyes just for a second. He moved his head a little, his tongue poking out of his mouth.

“Ah.”   
“What?”  
“I think he’s hungry.”

Serena didn’t think that she’d ever be so happy that a baby was hungry ever again in her whole life. She gave a little smile at Cameron’s little pink mouth opening and closing, searching for his Mother’s milk, he really was the most beautiful baby she had ever seen. She couldn’t stop herself from reaching over and offering him her knuckle to suck on and watching in awe as he took it, coating Serena finger in warm saliva. Bernie chuckled at her.

“Don’t tease the poor fella.” She said, planting a careful kiss on the top of his head, before trying to pull herself up a little further to get a better position.

“Here, let me help.” Serena said, sitting herself up a little further too, head moving from the back of the couch, feet returning to the ground as she shuffled closer to Mother and baby.

She removed her knuckle from Cam’s mouth which he gave a little whine at, causing them both to smile at the tiny noise of protest that vibrated through Bernie’s chest. She moved her hand across Bernie’s chest and gently moved the thin white fabric of the white shirt away from Bernie’s breast. Her palm grazed the nipple as she pushed the shirt aside and Bernie gave a gasp, hissing through her teeth at the sensitivity. 

“Sore?”  
“Just a bit.”

She shifted Cam so she was cradling him and he found her nipple easily, latching on and feeding quickly, obviously hungry from his hours of crying.

“He’s hungry.”  
“I’m not surprised.” Bernie said with a smile, rubbing his back as he drifted off to sleep, his tummy filling with warm milk.  
“Do you want something to eat?” Serena said with a smile once they’d watched Cam feed for a while. “I can make you something.”

Before she could move off the couch though Bernie caught her hand, making her look back at her.

“What?” She asked.  
“Stay with me for a bit, please?”

Serena blinked in surprise but did as she was told, curling back up to Bernie just like she had been before because she knew that was what Bernie had meant, what Bernie wanted. She was rewarded for her knowledge by Bernie moving her free hand to Serena’s leg, turning it palm skywards as a hint for Serena who lay her own on top, lacing their fingers together. Once their hands were clasped, Bernie looked away to Cameron and to Serena, who was so close she could feel her breath on her neck, gentle, slow, reassuring. She tried to imagine Marcus being the one who had helped her today with their son. Marcus bringing in shopping and medicine and special bubble bath. Marcus feeding her tea and cooing at his son. Marcus curling up beside her, running his thumb over her hand, gentle, slow, reassuring. But she couldn’t. Couldn’t picture it at all because he hadn’t been there when she needed him. It had been Serena and had always been Serena since they had become friends. 

Had always been Serena.

She closed her eyes and conjured up the image of that first kiss. That desperate, deep kiss they had shared sitting on the stairs in a stranger’s house in the middle of a party. She didn’t think about it often, didn’t dare let herself but sometimes she couldn’t help it. 

She was grateful for Serena’s friendship, for the different friendship they had managed to cobble together but even so….

When Serena looked at her sometimes she could hardly stop herself blushing pink, could hardly stop herself lurching forward to kiss her.

Much like she was doing now it seems. She opened her eyes to find she had inched forward and was now just inches away from Serena, their lips parted, their breath laboured, their hearts hammering. Her eyes flicked down to Serena’s lips as she wet her lips slowly, pink tongue flicking out, lips pushing together before parting again. They looked at each other again and Bernie could have moaned, maybe she did, at Serena’s dark eyes, dilating as she stared down at Bernie’s lips and then back up at her eyes. 

The wait was killing her and suddenly she found that the room was too quiet, that it needed some noise. She closed the gap between them at Serena’s questioning gaze, their hot, wet lips, finding a rhythm easily. She smiled into the kiss, enjoying very much the wet sounds from their lips and the tiny moans she was getting from Serena. She felt Serena smile too and they pulled away.

Neither said anything, Serena just nestling into Bernie neck, a small smile on her face, her eyes dropping closed. Bernie looked down at her baby and stroked his hair gently as she continued to feed. 

If everything could just stay how it was right there and then Bernie didn’t think she would ever be unhappy ever again.


	5. Chapter 5

Life never really slows down. You just go with the rush and try and make the best of it. When it does slow, often in the moments you don’t wish it to, the minutes drag and the hours feel like years but somehow you get past the slow and the fast comes back.

Before Bernie knows it, Cameron is turning three and the last three years have flown by so fast she doesn’t remember most of it, feels like she’s merely observed her own life instead of living it. Right now she is trying her best to live this day, to enjoy and soak up every last bit of her son’s third birthday party which she had pulled out of the bag at the very last minute. Balloons had been bought the day before along with streamers and party hats and party bags. She had made Marcus do an early morning supermarket shop for the party food that morning and then when he got back she had set him the challenge of finding tables and chairs and whatever else he felt they needed. The garden actually looked presentable, just, and extremely festive and Serena’s wall paper paste table didn’t look one bit out of place as the food table.

Yes, she was pleased with herself. The kids from Cam’s nursery seemed to be enjoying themselves around the garden, playing football or on the bright yellow slide or with various toys and the adults seemed in good spirits too, chatting and sharing parenting tips. The sun is shining down on them, things are near perfect and she’s careful not to blink because she doesn’t want another three years to go by without her noticing.

She leans against the frame of the open patio window and tracks her son down to the slide they had bought him and he had unwrapped excitedly that morning. He was a happy boy and Bernie was grateful for him every day. She had never felt a love as strong as the one she had for her son and probably wouldn’t again. She found herself smiling as he giggled his way down the slide.

If life could just stay like this.

Her marriage was finally good again and her work was looking up and their son was perfect, what more could she want?

She watched her son play with another little girl she didn’t know from his nursery and felt happy. Then she heard a laugh. A laugh that made her freeze every time, that gave her shivers even now. She tore her gaze away from her son and looked across the garden, finding Serena easily amongst a small crowd of people around the buffet table. She was charming them, Bernie could tell by the glazed look on all of their faces, the slightly slack jaw, the undivided attention that every single one of them was paying her. Her smile returned as she watched the woman talk, telling a story about the hospital, probably. 

Time was different still when she was with Serena. Every interaction was too slow but over far too quickly. The laugh came again, making Bernie breathe out her own laugh at the story she couldn’t even hear.

“Mummy!” She jumped, her elbow knocking against the plastic surround of the door as Cameron suddenly appeared in front of her, all red cheeked and hyper.  
“Hello!” She said, scooping him up in her arms and sitting him on her hip, making sure the sticky lollipop he had in his hand didn’t go anywhere near her hair. “Are you enjoying the party?”  
“Yep!” He said with a dramatic nod that made Bernie laugh. “Are you coming to play, Mummy?”  
“Where’s Daddy?” She asked.

She scanned the garden. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to play but she had been feeling extremely nauseous recently and she didn’t want to throw up all over the party. She spotted him in conversation with Edward Campbell and stepped out of the house to join them. 

“Take Cam will you, Marcus.”

Marcus turned and took the boy.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

She nodded, didn’t say anything else about it and turned to Edward with a smile.

“Serena’s charming everyone as per usual I see.” She said, motioning to Serena with her head.  
“She’s a people pleaser.” He said, with that fond look he always had when he looked at or talked about his wife.

The look that made Bernie’s stomach drop horribly, every time trying to ignore the unpleasant feeling of jealousy.

“Well I’ll have to tear her away from the masses to cut the cake soon.” She said.  
“Aren’t you going to do it?” Marcus asked, a frown on his face.  
“The bakers put banana in the icing and I can’t bear the smell.” She said. “Serena said she’d do it, she’d probably do it better than me anywhere, all these years with a scalpel have to count for something.”

Marcus bent to put Cameron down and Bernie was temporarily distracted as Edward took a sip of his orange squash and gave a little laugh.

“You know, my Mother couldn’t bear the smell of banana either, made her nauseous, but of course, she was pregnant with my brother then so that probably had something to do with it.” He said with a happy shrug.

He was greeted with wide eyes and the feeling that he had put his foot in it. He took a step back and tried to laugh the weirdness off. 

“Come on Cam.” He said to the little boy. “How about we go and tell Serena we’re about ready for cake.”

The boy nodded and raced off, quickly followed by Edward, wishing he had a little something stronger in his orange squash.

When he reached Serena, leaving the now silent pair behind he lay a hand on the small of her back. When she looked up to him he gestured to their friends.

“I think I’ve just upset the apple cart.”

Back over in the shade of the garden Bernie was frantically trying to do maths in her head, her heart hammering in her chest.

“Is it possible?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“Well when was your last period?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“When was the last time we -- ?”  
“Marcus!”

He fell silent, let her count, watched as Bernie’s face dropped.

“How could I be so stupid?” She said suddenly, dropping her head into her hands. “I haven’t had a period for near on two month.”  
“So you think -- ?” Marcus asked, prodding carefully.  
“Maybe…I don’t know.”

Another silence, the party behind them seeming to quiet too, drowned out by her frantic thoughts. 

“I could go and get a test?”

She shook her head no. This was Cameron’s day and right now they needed to be there for him, to celebrate him. No. She’d put it to the back of her mind for today, worry about it tomorrow.

“I’ll get one tomorrow.”

He closed the gap between them, wrapping one arm around her and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“It’ll be alright.” He said.

She nodded and tried to breathe, tried to slow her racing heart, tried to calm her racing mind. 

It’ll be alright…

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Long after the party, long after everyone had left, and long after Cameron had finally gone to bed, Bernie found herself pacing her own bedroom floor, her husband sitting on the edge of the bed, an awful silence between them.

“I don’t understand why you won’t just take the test now.” He said, confused and frustration building in equal parts. 

The pregnancy test was in his hands, the familiar blue box that would give them all the answers if only they open it. She had told him not to get one, not yet, not today. But he had done it anyway and she thought that she deserved the right to be angry or at least annoyed that he hadn’t respected her asking him to wait, to have some time with their ignorance, at least a day.

“I…I just need some time Marcus, I told you that!” She said, trying to breath steadily, calming herself, her hot temper almost famous for flaring quickly.  
“But why? Don’t you want to find out?” He asked. “We could be having another baby, Bern.”  
“I know.”  
“A little brother or sister for Cam to play with.” He said, his voice almost pleading with her to be as excited as he was. “Isn’t that what we’ve always wanted?”

Bernie stopped pacing and turned to look at her husband.

“We…we’ve never even talked about having another baby.” She told him, running a hand over her face, suddenly feeling tired. “We’ve just had Cameron.”

Marcus breathed out a laugh.

“Three years ago.” He said. “I think it’s the right time for another baby.”

Bernie laughed, quite loud, and quite sarcastically, she turned her back on him for a moment, rubbing at her eyes and cheeks to try and give herself more energy. 

“You think that it’s the right time…” She muttered. “Well at least you’re ready, at least you’re ready for the morning sickness and the bad back and the sleepless nights once it’s actually here.”  
“You were great last time, you had a good pregnancy.”

She spun around, her eyes narrowed.

“I was ill the whole time.” She said, her voice rising. “I had to leave work earlier than I planned.”  
“You, having some time off work, how will we ever cope.” He drawled.  
“Oh can we not have the work argument again please.” 

Marcus was starting to get annoyed as well but Bernie was past caring.

“Is that an excuse?” He said, standing up from the bed, pregnancy test still clutched in his hand.  
“What?” Bernie sighed.  
“For not having another baby?” He asked. “Because it seems to be an excuse for everything else. “I can’t see your parents tonight Marcus, I have work.”, “Not tonight, I have work in the morning.” Everything is about work with you.”  
“It’s not a bad thing to care about my work, about my career.”

Marcus nodded, a tight smile on his face.

“It is when you’re hiding behind it.” He said, his voice low, resigned.

Bernie didn’t have a comeback, did nothing but stare at him until he spoke again. He looked down at the test in his hands, scratching a thumb nail over the bright patterns that decorated it.

“Do you even want this baby, Bernie?” He asked. “If you took this test and it was negative…would you even care? Would you feel at all sad?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“Do you want another child?”  
“I…”  
“Do you Bernie?” He had shouted and it had shocked them both. Bernie felt tears prick at the back of her eyes but blinked them away furiously, Marcus clenched his jaw, took a shaky breath out.

“Bern…”  
“No.”

Marcus blinked at her, frowned, then ran a hand through his hair.

“I don’t think I want another child.” She said, her voice strengthening slightly. “I think that Cameron is enough for us.”  
“So what, you’d get rid of it?” Marcus asked, plain disbelief in his voice.   
“We don’t know even know that I am pregnant yet.” She told him.  
“Would I get a say?”  
“It’s hardly bigger than a peanut Marcus.” She said, suddenly desperate to curl up into a ball and sleep for a week in the hopes that all her problems would be gone when she woke up. “It’s not a baby yet, it’s…nothing.”  
“I can’t believe how selfish you can be Bernie!” His anger was flaring up again and Bernie could have cried out of sheer frustration. “Imagine not having Cameron…because he was that small once, he was ‘nothing’ once.”

Bernie backed away a little, her cheeks flushing.

“Don’t bring Cameron into this.” She said. “He is here, and he is loved and he will not be compared to a barely there foetus who might be non-existent for all we know. And as for being selfish…this is my baby Marcus, it’s my body, and I get to decide if I want to go through another pregnancy or not, me, no-one else.”

She watched as her husband slowly looked her up and down, the silence and stillness of the house, along with his intense gaze making her feel suddenly uncomfortable. She held back a shiver, held her back straight and her head up, kept the fire in her eyes. She was strong, just as strong as her husband and she refused to be intimidated.

Eventually he spoke.

“You’ve changed Bern.” He said.  
“Good.” She said firmly, glad that he was finally backing away from her slightly. 

He turned away from her and began to grab things, his night clothes, his pillow and a blanket.

“I’ll sleep on the sofa tonight.” He said.   
“Goodnight, Marcus.”

He didn’t say anything else, just left the bedroom, pulling the door closed behind him and leaving him in the dimly lit room by herself. She slowly moved around the room getting ready for bed, pulling on a pair of pyjama shorts and the first mis-matched t-shirt she could find. She pulled back the duvet and heard something fall off the bed and onto the carpet below. She padded round to the end of the bed and retrieved the fallen object. 

The pregnancy test box.

She wanted to throw it straight in the bin and pretend that this wasn’t happening. Go back to how happy she was that afternoon watching Cameron whizz around the garden, cake crumbs coating his cheeks, a party hat crooked on his dark curls. 

But things had changed now and she knew that however much she wanted to, she couldn’t just ignore what was happening. She did have to find out sooner rather than later. She sighed to herself and went through to her en-suite bathroom, clicking on the light and closing the door behind her. She quickly unboxed it, tearing it slightly as her hands began to shake. She tried to do it as quickly as possible, sitting on the cold toilet seat, letting her shorts pool around her ankles as she tried her best to position the white stick underneath her. When she was done she lay it next to the sink, washed her hands and waited.

Five minutes…then four…her chest was beginning to feel tight and she gripped onto the side of the sink in an attempt to steady her shaking hands. 

One minute counted down to thirty seconds and then fifteen, and ten, then 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

She picked up the test, closed her eyes, and brought it up to her face. Come on Bernie. She squeezed her eyes together, took a deep breath, then opened them.

Pregnant

She felt herself gasp, felt the sharp intake of breath through her entire body. The test fell from her hands and into the sink and she rushed to pick it back up again.

Pregnant

Well there it was…confirmed. There was indeed a peanut inside of her, a peanut that would grow, fast, and big, and become an actual child. She tasted the sharp tang of bile at the back of her throat but swallowed it down, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth as steadily as she could.

She held on to the test and wondered what to do. She didn’t want to go down and tell Marcus, not right now. She didn’t want to see his face light up, didn’t want him to forgive her so quickly, to get excited, to think that she was excited. 

And she thought she might have been a couple of years ago. She might have been very excited for a second child, might have willed it to be a girl so that she could have one of each. She was sure she hadn’t wanted that when she was younger…hadn’t she?

But she wasn’t ready. She only just managed to be a good Mother to Cameron, what would it be like to have another baby to try and look after. Would it be an easy baby like Cam was? Or would she be forced to work harder for this one?

And what about her job? She didn’t want to have to take time out to be pregnant. She had taken enough time away and she felt like she was just now getting back into the swing of things from her last maternity leave.

She was sure that she didn’t want this child. 

She ran the back of her hand across her wet eyes and binned the test without looking at it again. She turned the bathroom light off and got into bed. The sheets were cold as she wriggled over to her side of the bed. She sat up against the headboard and thought about ringing Serena. Wouldn’t she know what to do? Her hand hovered over the phone for a second before she pulled it back.

Serena and Edward had been trying to get pregnant for a long time and with no luck so far. She knew how much Serena wanted a child, she was desperate, she longed for a baby of her own and though she never said anything she knew how devastated she was when her period arrived every month.

No, she wouldn’t ring her. Because that did sound selfish. She couldn’t cry down the phone about being pregnant but not wanting it when being pregnant was all that Serena wanted.

So she switched the lamp off in the bedroom and shuffled down in the bed and cried to her pillow instead, like she always did, scared and alone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You don’t know how hard it was to keep writing, breakfast, lunch, and dinner when it’s obviously breakfast, dinner, and tea… More Bernie and special guest Cam, coming up!

Morning came quickly and the bright sun burst through the window, disturbing Bernie’s sleep, waking her with a squint. She lay for thirty seconds, confused. She was on her own in the big bed and it was only 7 o’clock, where was her husband? She stretched out with a yawn, enjoying the bright, warm sun hitting her body when she remembered. She remembered the night before, she remembered why Marcus wasn’t in bed and she remembered the bold letters on the pregnancy test. She groaned and rubbed her eyes that were swollen from the crying that had seemed to put her to sleep. She rolled over and sighed when her full bladder demanded her attention and she had to get up.

She approached the bathroom slowly, like it contained a massive rattle snake she was hoping to avoid. She sat down on the toilet and frowned at the bin in the corner until she was done. It didn’t look too threatening and she wondered if it could be possible that she had dreamt the pregnancy, it wouldn’t be the first time…the baby usually turned into a purple monster that then went on to eat Marcus though…this seemed pretty real.

She quickly showered and cleaned her teeth, the bin in the corner of her eye at all time. She gave in to her urges and went over to the bin and brought out the test. Still positive. Still pregnant then…

She went back to the bedroom and dressed quickly in the comfiest clothing she could find, poked her head into Cameron’s bedroom to check he was alright then ran down the stairs. The house was empty and Marcus’s work bag had gone so she assumed he had left early to avoid her. She didn’t mind, was actually quite glad, and set about making breakfast in the kitchen before she woke Cameron up.

Half an hour later though, the tiny boy came wandering into the kitchen, teddy still tucked under his arm, eyes sleepy. She smiled down at him like she always did and picked him up, only for him to snuggle in to her neck. He liked his morning snuggles and she felt her heart warm as his fingers came up to her hair and wound themselves around a thick strand. She rocked him a little before putting him into a chair at the table and placing a bowl of cereal and a tippy cup of apple juice in front of him. She drank her morning coffee and watched him eat, thinking how lucky she was and how grateful she was to have such a beautiful little boy. Her heart skipped a beat and her stomach fluttered and she suddenly felt very sick. She put down her cup and had to run up the stairs and into the bathroom as fast as she could, only just reaching the toilet before bringing up all her breakfast into the bowl. She groaned when she brought her head back up, reaching for a towel to wipe her mouth with. 

“Mummy?”

She looked towards the door where Cameron was now stood, having obviously followed her up. He looked scared and Bernie gave him a smile of reassurance. She pulled herself up off the floor and went over to the sink, pulling out her toothbrush.

“Come here.” She said.

He did what he was told and stood underneath her, tiny arms encircling her legs as she brushed her teeth. When she was done she picked him up and gave him a squeeze.

“There.” She kissed his cheek and he giggled. “All better now.”

She carried him out of the bedroom and when they got to the stairs the phone rang. She froze, wondering if it was Marcus. She decided to leave it, coming down the stairs with Cam on her hip slowly. It rang off before the handset started flashing. When she got to the bottom of the stairs she put Cameron down, told him to go back to his breakfast and listened to the message.

“Bernie, it’s Serena. I thought you had the day off today? You must be out. I just wanted to see if you wanted to join me for lunch later, I have an hour. Call me back. Bye.”

Ordinarily she would. She would jump at the chance to go to lunch with Serena but today she wondered if she should. She didn’t know whether she could stop herself from breaking and telling her everything and that she didn’t want. Serena didn’t want that, didn’t need that.

She suddenly felt a great amount of guilt towards Serena and Edward and Marcus and even Cameron. They all wanted what she had, right now, in her stomach. They all wanted it and she didn’t. She deleted the message and went back to the kitchen. 

“Where S’rena, Mummy?” He asked, having finished his breakfast.  
“She was on the phone, that’s all.” She told him, going over to the sink and tipping out the rest of her coffee.  
“Can we see her today?”  
“No, darling, not today.” She said, false enthusiasm in her voice. “How about today we spend together, just you and me? Does that sound good?”

He nodded and grinned and hopped off his chair.

“I get all my trains!” He squeaked, running off to the living room, Serena forgotten about.

Bernie marvelled at his ability to forget and get excited for other things and went after him with a sigh wishing she could go out for the longest run to try and quiet her busy brain.

They spent most of the morning playing on the floor of the living room wheeling around little wooden train over little wooden tracks and having a whale of a time. Serena rang back, twice, and Bernie ignored them both, the sound of the woman’s voice making her stomach churn with worry and guilt and shame.

They had lunch just after twelve and then got dressed and went for a walk. It was a nice day and some fresh air would do them both some good. She brought the buggy and Cameron was asleep by the time they had made it round the park. They stayed out just over an hour before going back to the house. When they got back Cameron was awake again so she settled him on the couch and put a video on for him to watch while she cleaned up a bit. She washed up while he watched his favourite Barbie movie (a film that Marcus would go light at her when she would put it on for him when he asked, “Barbie isn’t for boys Bern, turn it off.”) and sighed when the phone rang yet again. It was nearing dinner time now and Marcus would be back soon so she was surprised when it was Serena once again. She listened as the phone went to answer phone and Serena’s voice echoed through the hall as she left a message.

“It’s me, again. Please pick up the phone Bernie. I’m worried, you never rang back, I just want to know you’re alright. I’ll try again later. I know I only saw you yesterday but I –   
Call me alright. Bye.”

Bernie sighed as the beep sounded and the phone fell silent. She hadn’t meant to make her worried, hadn’t meant to make anyone worried. She tipped the water out of the dish and dried her hands. She supposed she should start the dinner in the next few minutes. She went through to the living room and sat on the sofa, pulling Cameron onto her knee as he watched the film, eyes fixed to the screen in that childish wonder she always loved to see in him. 

“What do you want for dinner sweetheart?” She asked him, through a yawn.

How tired she suddenly felt just by sitting down. She felt him shrug and smiled, her head falling back against the couch as the jingly princess music soothed her nerves. She let her eyes close for just a second, she’d get up in just a second, she’s make Cam chicken nuggets and chips for a treat…in just a second.

When she opened her eyes next the television was off and the lamps on. She blinked in confusion, wondering why she was now lying on the sofa, a cushion under her head. She sat up and panicked slightly when she saw that Cameron was gone. She swung her legs off the couch and tensed when she heard voices in the kitchen, only to relax when she recognised the voices to be her son and husband. She squinted at the clock on the mantelpiece which told her it was nearing half past six. Had she been asleep long? When had Marcus come in?

She stood and made her way groggily to the kitchen where Cameron was happily eating a plate of chicken nuggets and chips which Marcus had evidently made. She smiled at him and his squeak of, ‘Mummy wake now!” made Marcus turn, he gave her a small smile. 

“Hi.” He said, softly.

It made her smile and she came further into the kitchen, sniffing the air as the smell of warm pasta sauce filled the room.

“I must have fallen asleep.” She said, matching his soft tone.  
“Found you both curled up together in the dark.” He said with a chuckle. “I didn’t want to wake you so I just made his tea when he woke up.”

She nodded.

“Thanks.” She said.

A silence filled the air, Cameron chatting happily to a plastic toy he had found on the table the only sound in the room. After a couple of long seconds, Marcus held out his hand for her to take. She took it after a moment’s hesitation and let herself be pulled into a hug, his arms circling her, her nose nuzzling his neck. She breathed out a sigh at the smell of his aftershave.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered against her.

She pulled away but stayed in his arms, studying his face. When she didn’t reply, Marcus carried on.

“I was wrong, last night.” He told her, having the good grace to look ashamed. “I’ve been thinking about it all day and I agree with you…if you don’t want to have a baby right now then we won’t. It was me that was being selfish. I said a lot of hurtful things that I shouldn’t have, that I didn’t have the right to say and I just want you to know that whatever decision you make I will support you, always.”

Tears came to her once more and she wondered how many tears she had shed in the last 24 hours. She nodded and leant forward, kissing him. When they moved apart Marcus managed a half smile, half chuckle.

“Well, we don’t even know if you are pregnant yet this could all be for –“  
“I am.”

She watched his face move into a shocked expression, she could see joy trying to get through as his eyes lit up but the rest of his face fought to remain neutral. 

“You are?” He asked.  
“Yes.” She didn’t tell him when she had taken the test and he didn’t ask.  
“Right.”

Neither knew quite what to say so Bernie pulled herself out of her arms, started to stutter.

“We can talk about it…after…well…whenever you want and we don’t have to make any decisions straight away…”

He caught her hand again and waited until she was looking him in the eye.

“We’ll talk about it later.” He said. “No shouting, no getting cross or annoyed or frustrated, we’ll sort it out, alright?”

She nodded.

“Good. Now. Sit down. I made dinner and it’s getting cold, Ms Wolfe!” He squeezed her hand and smiled and she went to the table.

While he plated up their food, she helped Cameron with the last few mouthfuls of his own and sent him off to play in the living room, promising he could stay up a little longer and play trains with Daddy as he had slept a lot earlier. As he ran off the phone in the hall rang and Bernie’s stomach dropped as Marcus rushed to get it. 

She predicted his words before they were out of his mouth and she sprang up out of her chair and followed Marcus down the hall.

“Serena! Hi!” He said after a moment. “Bernie? Yeah she’s…”

He looked up at his Wife and stopped, frowning as she shook her head furiously, mouthing the word, ‘no’. He shot her a questioning look but went back to the phone quickly when he received only daggers back from her.

“Actually Serena, she’s just hopped in the shower can I take a message?”

She bit her lip as Marcus listened to the message and moved from foot to foot nervously, hanging on to the banister as he placed the phone back in its cradle on the hall table.

“What was that about?”

She huffed and turned and he followed her back to the kitchen.

“I just didn’t want to talk to her, that’s all.”

She sat down and Marcus put a bowl of pasta in front of her.

“You always want to talk to her.”  
“No I don’t.”  
“You practically hang off her every word Bernie, what’s this really about?”

She shook her head, her hair falling over her eyes and picked up her fork to start eating.

“I just…I don’t think we should tell them…Serena, about this, about the pregnancy. You know how much they want a baby and I just feel bad, you know…I just don’t want to upset her, I don’t ever want to upset her.” She said, shoving a forkful of pasta into her mouth and looking anywhere but at her husband.  
“Fine.” He said after a pause. “But Bern, you can’t avoid her forever.”  
“I know…I know that.”

Marcus reached over and lay a hand over hers on the table. She gave him a small smile and was given one in return. The rest of the meal was eaten in silence.

The next couple of weeks went by far too quickly for Bernie and she wished that she had a time machine so that she could whizz back to Cameron’s birthday party, where everything was slow and calm and nice.

Instead she found herself, ten pregnancy tests later, one doctors visit and a consult to a clinic to find out options for termination of pregnancy. They had talked about it, her and Marcus, about possible paths they could take now that they found themselves in the situation that they had. They had agreed to look at every option and consider every decision and approach it with great thought. At the same time they had Cameron running around and starting nursery in September and growing up so much. Marcus was working exceptionally long hours at his new training post at St James’, alongside with Serena, leaving Edward behind at Holby City Hospital. And Bernie was still due to fly over to Canada with the RAMC for 6 weeks at the end of the month. Life was hectic. Which was why this termination was the right decision.

She hardly left the house as the weeks flew past. She had spoken to Serena maybe twice since Cameron’s party but never for long and never about anything personal. She told herself that Serena would never have to know about the pregnancy if she could just continue on like this. Marcus wasn’t so happy about this arrangement as he had been cornered at work by a very concerned and very suspicious Serena at work weekly. But they would get over this and Serena would fall pregnant and they would go back to normal and she would forget all about it.

She’d play with Cameron and cook the dinner for when Marcus came in and hoover obsessively. She was having morning sickness too it seemed and she was trying to ignore the feeling of just being generally run down. Cameron would cuddle into her when she was feeling sick or after she had been sick and his arms would put her at ease. Her heart would swell and she would remember the extraordinary love she had felt the first time she had held him. She watched him play alone on the carpet and a pang of guilt would strike her suddenly, only for her to dismiss it straight off, going back to the hoover where the loud noise would drown out her mind. 

The long nights turned sleepless quickly and she tossed and turned until she overheated. More often than not she kicked off the duvet and pulled her top up so her stomach lay bare. The removal of layers and the coolness that came with it gave her tummy butterflies and she couldn’t help but lay a hand over her flat stomach, rubbing gently, tiny circles. She would fall asleep like this and when Marcus woke in the morning he would remove her hand, kiss her stomach, and pull the covers back over his sleeping wife. 

They felt like their lives had changed but were void of a solid emotion to attach the change to. It was like living in limbo. Finally, the day came of Bernie’s appointment at the private clinic Marcus had gotten them into for a termination consult and she was nervous. She didn’t sleep and had wandered the house until she had disturbed Marcus from his own sleep and eventually Cameron who seemed to sense it was a tense day and happily played on the floor of the living room until it was time for breakfast. 

Marcus was leaving her for the morning working a sudden four hour shift before coming back for their appointment. Bernie wished he didn’t have to go but she didn’t say anything, she felt like she was causing too much trouble as it was and her own nervous energy was probably more than she could take anyway. He kissed her on the cheek, wrapping an arm around her waist and squeezing.

“I’ll be back as soon as my shift finishes alright.” He said.

Bernie turned into his embrace and held him, for the first time in a long time. He wrapped another arm around her and she rested her chin on his shoulder.

“Do you still want it…the baby I mean?” She asked him, her voice an unexpected whisper, timid. 

It made Marcus pull back and study her, or try to study her before she cleared her throat and moved away from him, back to the cereal she was making for Cameron.

“I’ll see you soon.” She said, normal service resumed.

Marcus didn’t know what to say but he found he couldn’t say anything as Cameron bounded in chatting happily and he was made to leave in fear of being late. 

When he was gone, Bernie joined Cam at the table though her own breakfast was forgotten about, her coffee she had been nervously gulping down being the only thing providing her with substance for the day ahead. 

She didn’t know why she was so nervous. They had gone over this, over and over and over and they were making the right decision, her own decision. 

Cameron finished his breakfast and, sensing the nervous tension, scuttled off to the living room to watch the television. She let him go and washed the dishes and then with nothing else she joined him. She forced her brain to concentrate on the brightly coloured kids cartoon only and nothing else but after an hour she could no longer stand the sight of another Teletubby or Tweenie or the familiar jingle of Postman Pat’s van and she decided to stick Cameron in the bath. He would be heading to Marcus’s Mother’s house for the day, a fact he wasn’t very happy with but was going along with for the sheer fact that though Nana Dunne was a scary old lady, she had yummy treats which were supplied on tap. They raced up the stairs, Bernie letting Cameron win of course, and into the en-suite. She sent him to pick some bath toys before running the bath and adding plenty of bubbles. When it was done, she lifted him in and let him play for a bit before he had to get his hair washed, a task which he hated and fought her over every time. He chatted away happily to her as she used the toilet to relieve her coffee filled bladder. She had drunk cup after cup for she didn’t know how many hours yet she felt no more energised or awake. She sat down, pulling her knickers down her legs, resting them around her knees. She gave them a glance, her favourite sky blue boxer style ones, and found herself doing a double take. 

Because there was blood. Fresh red blood. 

She felt her panic rise. There should not be blood. She should not be bleeding. She immediately thought to the tiny peanut growing in her stomach and a wave of nausea hit her causing her to dry heave, bending double over her knees. 

Cameron’s chatting stopped and his lip began to quiver as he watched his Mother gag and splutter and cough. She managed to bring herself back and she quickly whipped off her trousers and bloodied knickers. She cleaned herself up and hurried into the bedroom for a fresh pair, she stuck a pad in and pulled on some jogging bottoms before pulling Cam out of the bath and drying him quickly.

“Mummy are you poorly?” He asked as he stepped into his own underwear and the first pair of comfy trousers she could find for him.  
“Ah…a little.” She told him, trying for a reassuring smile. “But you know what we do when we’re feeling a little poorly don’t you?”

The little boy lifted his arms so she could put a jumper on him and mumbled out his answer.

“Go see Doctor.” He told her, very seriously.  
“That’s right.” She said. “And do we know any Doctors?”

She rushed around her own room, pulling on a different top and finding a hoodie to keep her warm. She ushered him out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

“Daddy!” He cried.  
“That’s right, good boy.”

She reached for her car keys with trembling hands and grabbed her purse too. She then shoved a pair of trainers onto Cam’s feet, pulled his coat on and sent him to find a toy to bring with him. She reached for her pager and paged Marcus, not knowing where to call him at the hospital. She bit back tears as she got nothing back as Cameron returned.

“Who’s another Doctor we know?” She asked the boy, scooping him up into her arms.  
“Mummy.” He said, poking her slightly in the chest.  
“That’s right.” She said. “Who else?”

She picked the telephone up and dialled a number she knew off by heart.

“S’rena!”

The phone rang and rang and rang before going to voicemail. Bernie swore and felt the panic rising again. She swiped angrily at a stray tear on her cheek. She took a breath and tried to blink away the image of the blood seeping through her knickers. 

“Serena, yes, Serena’s a good Doctor, just like Mummy and just like Daddy.” She said as she retrieved her car keys and purse and yanked open the front door. She locked the door behind her and quickly got Cam strapped into his car seat in her car before getting in herself and gunning it out of the drive and out of the street.

Somehow she found herself at the hospital and was quick as a flash into the building, Cameron on her hip, clutching his teddy bear. She went straight for what she knew was Marcus’s ward, taking the lift up to the 6th floor. When she got onto the ward she went to the front desk, unable to stop the tears falling. The nurse at the desk looked at her in some alarm.

“Excuse me.” She said, her voice gruff. “My…my husband works here…can…can you tell me where he is please…Marcus Dunne, erm…my name is – “

“Bernie?”

She spun around and had to stop herself from giving a sob. She could almost see Serena’s heart drop, her confusion turning to alarm very quickly. Serena seemed to lurch forward as Bernie did, the sickness she had felt earlier coming back and hitting her hard. Serena caught Cameron and took him as Bernie swayed on the spot, eyes tight shut, concentrating solely on not being sick all over the ward. 

“Bernie, what’s going on?” Serena asked, holding Cameron tight to her but reaching one hand out to comfort her friend.  
“Mummy’s poorly.” Cam piped up, his voice small and scared. “She needs Doctor, where’s Daddy, S’rena?”

Despite her confusion, Serena leapt into action. She turned to the nurse that had been at the desk but was now standing by her side.

“Dr Dunne is at a consult with Mr Barrett in the ED can you find him please Nurse Blair, he’s needed on the ward urgently.” She told her.   
“Of course, Dr Campbell.”

The nurse rushed off and Serena gestured for another one to come over.

“Bernie.” She said, her voice gentle again. “We’re going to get you to a bed alright, and then can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Bernie paled but went along with it, letting herself be steered to a bed. The nurse tried to help her but she brushed her off, perching herself on the side of the bed, holding her arms out for Cameron. She settled him on her lap when Serena handed him over and held him tight against her, her arms forming a barrier between him and the rest of the world.

Serena, sensing Bernie’s reluctance and discomfort, sent the nurse away and frowned down at the woman. She reached out to put her hand on Bernie’s pale forehead but she moved back, dodging her touch.

“I just came to see…Marcus.” She stood up again, suddenly wanting to be away from Serena, that feeling of relief when she had seen her before having gone, the guilt at her secret creeping in instead. 

She winced as she stood up as a fresh wave of nausea hit her. Serena didn’t move away though and blocked her path to go anywhere but just stand by the hospital bed. Bernie was well away that everyone was watching them, all of Marcus’s work colleagues, but Serena didn’t seem to notice…or care. She flushed red and sat back down, Cameron starting to fuss in her arms.

“Do you think I’m not good at my job, Bernie?” Serena asked, looking very intimidating indeed from her standing position, towering over Bernie.  
“Of…of course you’re good at your job I didn’t mean…” She stuttered.  
“Good. Can you tell me what’s wrong? You’re white as a sheet and you just nearly fainted over there.”

When she got nothing from Bernie yet again she sighed and reached over, taking Cameron again and settling him in her arms instead. She rocked him gently and he stopped fussing, placing his thumb in his mouth and tucking his teddy into the crook of his elbow.

“Please Serena, I just need…I need my husband.” Bernie sighed, wiping her forehead from frustration at the situation she found herself in.

The look on Serena’s face did not ease her guilt. She looked like she looked every time she went to her husband when she was around, every time she looked when Serena when to Edward, every time she gave that famous 100 mega watt smile to someone other than her. She looked put out and hurt. But she also looked confused and worried too and it was the worry that Bernie didn’t like, couldn’t bear, so she looked away.

There was movement by the doors to the ward and Marcus came strolling in, followed by the head of the ward, Mr Barrett. They made the way to the bed and Bernie suddenly felt embarrassed.

“Bernie?” He said, confusion evident in his voice.   
“Daddy!” Cam squeaked from Serena’s arms.

He looked to his son, noticing him for the first time, noticing Serena for the first time.

“Cam.” He looked back to his wife. “Bern, what is it?”  
“I’m bleeding.” She said, voice quiet, not daring to glance at Serena.

The consultant of the ward, and Marcus and Serena’s boss, came in between the two doctors.

“Bernie, is it?” He asked, kindly.

She nodded, casting a look to Marcus who had figured out what she had said. Serena, on the other hand, just looked plain confused and mildly horrified.

“And where are you bleeding from?” Mr Barrett continued to ask.  
“She’s…erm, she’s pregnant.” Marcus said.

There was a silence, it felt like everything stopped to Bernie as she crept a look to Serena who was staring at her in shock.

“Alright, okay.” Mr Barrett said. “You did the right thing coming in Bernie. Marcus is going to help you into a gown alright, and we’ll have a look, sound good?”

She nodded and he gave her a kind smile.

“I’ll be back soon.”

He left and the threesome was quiet for a while before Marcus decided to bite the bullet and start up the conversation.

“Serena…”  
“You’re pregnant?”

The brunette was addressing Bernie and Marcus visibly shrunk back at her tone.

“We’ve just found out.” Bernie said, quite pathetically.  
“When?” Serena demanded.  
“Cameron’s birthday…”

Serena subconsciously rubbed Cameron’s back but stopped her swaying that was calming him.

“That was…weeks ago.” She said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Bernie and Marcus exchanged looks which annoyed Serena who looked between them, feeling anger rising at not knowing what was going on. 

“We er…” Marcus floundered with what to say.

Bernie squeezed her eyes shut and bowed her head, a hand to her forehead.

“We had…we have…an appointment for termination.” She said.

She looked back up and her heart dropped at Serena’s expression. Pure hurt was all she could see, she wished she wasn’t the one putting it there, and by the looks of Marcus he felt the same way.

“I don’t understand.” She had started rocking Cameron.   
“An abortion, Serena.” Marcus said, in such a way that made Serena feel like a fiver year old, Bernie cringed for him.  
“I know that, thank you, Marcus.” Serena said through gritted teeth. “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me about it.”  
“I just thought that…with you…erm…wanting…” Bernie stuttered, she sounded utterly pathetic and she didn’t blame Serena for her rising anger and frustration at the two.  
“With me wanting a baby?” Serena said, firmly.  
“Yes.”  
“That I would judge you for getting rid of yours?” Serena’s tone was biting.  
“I just didn’t want you to be upset.” Bernie realised her tone was pleadingly, couldn’t help it with the look of fierce storm in Serena’s eyes.  
“So you thought not telling me was the right thing to do, did you?” Serena was practically seething. “That I wouldn’t be more upset that my best friend had had to go through a bloody abortion without telling me.”

Marcus looked around them and shuffled over to pull the curtain around them.

“Serena ---“ He attempted to say but she cut him off.  
“You could have trusted me with this Bernie.” She said, her voice dropping low, her anger dropping into a sadness that was held in her big brown eyes. “You could have trusted me not to think of myself and to think about you, because I would have. I will always support you, whatever it is.”  
“I do trust you.”

There was a silence between them all, Serena and Bernie searching each other for whatever they both needed, assurance, trust, forgiveness, sympathy.

The silence was soon dropped as Mr Barret swept back in.

“Right.” He said. “Let’s get started shall we?”

Bernie made him no attention as Marcus tried to get her coat jacket off her so she could change for her examination.

“I do trust you, Serena.” She repeated, desperately wanting her to believe it.

Serena blinked at her, set her jaw and cleared her throat.

“I’ll take my break now and take Cameron down to get a drink, is that alright?” She tried to address Bernie but she looked at Marcus instead.

He gave a look to Bernie who had finally started to undress, she didn’t say anything, just looked away from Serena. He nodded and Serena turned and left.

When she was in her gown and the curtain was drawn around the curtain, Bernie lay down and let Mr Barret start the examination. The blood on the pad was still dark and fresh but there wasn’t much of it and as she began to get examined she held onto Marcus’s hand, letting tears run down her cheek.

“I thought I felt her moving earlier.” She said, mumbling. “Stupid, I know, it’s too early, she’s just a peanut…but…”  
“She?”

She looked up at her husband, she felt dreadful. She felt selfish and she hated herself for messing everyone around but when she had seen the blood she had felt fear, and she had felt her heart drop and now she was shaking but her mind was clear suddenly.

“I don’t want to lose our baby Marcus, please don’t let me lose her.” She leant her head back against the pillow and squeezed her eyes closed, tears still managing to get through. 

Marcus kissed her forehead and held her hand tight.

“Alright.” He said. “Alright, it’ll all be okay, sweetheart, it’ll all be okay.”


	7. Chapter 7

She had been kept in the hospital for a couple of days before she had quite firmly asked to be discharged. They had agreed, (though they couldn’t stop her from leaving) after her own boss had given her leave to get better. 

So, she was in the house, bored stiff, with only her three-year-old for company. It had been four weeks since her rush to the hospital and the sickness had become so unbearable that most of the time Bernie had had her head down the toilet. The three-year-old in question was currently having nap time so Bernie had decided to try and get some rest in too.

This pregnancy was taking a toll on her already and she had a feeling it was going to be a difficult one like Cameron’s. She was determined though, to get back to work as soon as possible, and get everything back to normal for at least a few months before the baby got here.

Getting back to normal though was harder for some parts than it was for others. Namely, Serena, who hadn’t spoken to her for four weeks or if she had it had been short and clipped and the conversation had died within seconds. She still tried though, every couple of days. She had even been to the ward but with no luck as she had rushed away as soon as they had laid eyes on each other. Bernie had tried ringing but just got excuses from Edward. She could tell he was lying about his reasons for her not coming to the phone because he wasn’t very good at it and she had made Marcus do exactly the same quite a few times over the years to people she didn’t want to speak to. 

So, without Serena and without work and without Marcus for most of the day she was very quickly going crazy and feeling down to go with it. She hadn’t been sleeping well either so while Cameron napped she found a comfortable position on the sofa, threw a blanket over herself and lay down, closing her eyes and praying for sleep to come. 

It didn’t however, and half an hour later she was up and in the kitchen making coffee to cure her sleepiness. She was stirring her coffee, staring into space, when the doorbell rang, making her jump. She hurried down the hall, not wanting them to ring again and disturb Cam who still had about twenty minutes on his nap left to go. She swung the door open and was extremely surprised, and that was putting it lightly, to see Serena standing on her front step, hands firmly shoved into her pockets.

“Hi!” She said, surprised to see her.

Serena tried to smile but couldn’t quite manage so Bernie stood aside to let her in. When she was in, Serena spun around, in no attempt to take her coat off or get settled in any way. Bernie turned from the door and tried not to blurt out everything at once.

Why are you here? I’ve tried to talk to you. Did Edward give you my messages?   
Can we go back to being friends?  
I’m sorry.  
I miss you.

She clamped her mouth closed and awkwardly moved from foot to foot on the spot. She waited for Serena to make the first move.

“Edward can only make so many excuses.” She said after a second, hands still in her coat pockets, face neutral, giving nothing away.

Bernie supposed that was hard for Serena to do, to stop herself from reacting, to stop her eyes from showing a sparkle of emotion, to stop her mouth from twitching with reaction.

“Can I make you a coffee?” She said quickly, aware that Cameron was asleep upstairs and not really wanting to talk in the cold hallway anyway.  
“No, I ---“ Finally the hands were out of pockets and her face showed a pinch of something resembling an emotion. “How are you?”

This definitely took Bernie by surprise, so much so that she opened and closed her mouth so many times that Serena rolled her eyes, making Bernie feel about two inches tall. No-one said anything for the longest time and Bernie wondered if it had ever been like this with Serena, if they had ever been like this with each other. No, this was new territory and it felt horrible.

“I’m fine…thank you.” Bernie mumbled eventually.

There was no flicker of a smile from Serena who just nodded and cleared her throat.

“Right.” She said.  
“Are you sure you don’t want a coffee? The kettle just boiled.” Bernie tried.  
“No…thanks.” Serena looked her in the eye for the first time since she had come in. “Bernie, I came round because we need to sort things out.”  
“Yes.”

Serena looked like she wanted to move, towards Bernie, or perhaps to the kitchen, or to remove her coat but she seemed to stop herself.

“Have you ever thought of me as a friend, Bernie?” She asked suddenly. “Or was I only ever a passing fancy that managed to stick around for longer than she was welcome, for longer than the fancy lasted?”

Bernie was confused, she frowned, tried to say something but Serena carried on.

“Because I can’t bear to think that I’ve put so much care and attention into our…friendship, into whatever this is between us.” She said. “Without some of the feeling being returned.”

Her face was very much animated now and every flicker of hurt or anger or coldness, hit Bernie hard.

“Of course we’re friends, Serena…if this is about…” She started.  
“Of course it is.” Serena snapped. “For god’s sake Bernie, I put up with your little quirks, your quietness, and sometimes your lack of common sense but when you use it to protect yourself by playing dumb or…or putting hard situations off I can’t help but wonder if I truly know you at all. Or actually, if you truly know yourself.”

Bernie felt herself backing away slightly, her cheeks flushing hot. Serena carried on.

“Above everything, above the intimacy, above the way you make my heart flutter when you smile at me, when you look at me with dark eyes and pink cheeks, above the way I feel when you kiss me…I want us to be friends, Bernie.” She said.  
“We…we are and I’m ---.“ Bernie stammered, her hand coming to grip onto the bannister of the stairs.  
“You’re sorry?” Serena snorted.

Bernie frowned at that, at Serena, at her little laugh of derision and stood up straight for the first time since Serena got here. 

“Yes.” She said firmly, getting Serena to look at her again. “I’m sorry that I lied to you, that we lied to you. Believe me or don’t Serena but I was thinking of you. I find myself thinking about you quite a lot actually and I felt, at that time, that the only way I wouldn’t upset you is by not telling you.”  
“You just don’t understand, do you?” Serena said.  
“I do.” Bernie said, aware of her voice raising. “I understand Serena because you’ve told me. I know I upset you, I do, and I’m so sorry, but at that time the only thought in my head was that you might be upset and I just couldn’t bear that.”

Bernie could tell Serena was still angry, the fire was still in her eyes, the cold running through her veins.

“Would you have told your other friends?” Serena asked. “That you were thinking about having an abortion? Would you have looked for their advice and their guidance and emotional support?”

Bernie visibly sagged a little as the penny dropped and Serena’s emotional neutrality finally disappeared, leaving her looking the most hurt Bernie had ever seen.

“You don’t want to hurt me because I’m something different, I’m more than a friend in some ways but just a friend in other ways, do you…do you understand?”

Bernie just nodded. 

“I don’t think this is healthy.” Serena said, her voice quiet but resigned, like she’d been thinking about this for a long, long time.  
“It’s…it’s just different.” Bernie stammered.  
“It’s impossible.”  
“It doesn’t have to be.”  
“But it is.” Serena said, giving a half shrug. “It was right from the start we just didn’t see it…or we thought we could make it work.”  
“We did!” Bernie insisted.  
“For a while maybe…” 

Serena sighed.

“Come here.”

Bernie did as she was told and shuffled towards Serena, closing the gap between them quickly. Serena seemed to hesitate before placing her hands on Bernie’s hips and tugging her towards her so they were held against each other. Bernie sighed too, the closeness feeling like a relief. Serena lifted her head so she could look at Bernie, her lips nearly brushing the woman’s chin. 

“I wanted to be your friend so much that I thought I could just push my feelings for you away and just forget about them but I can’t…” Serena said, closing her eyes and savouring the smell of Bernie’s familiar shampoo, the smell of her clothes, the smells she most associated with Bernie.

“What…what are you saying?” Bernie asked.

She lowered her head and Serena opened her eyes, finding Bernie’s easily, big and brown and full of emotion and just how Serena loved them. She watched as they flickered down to her mouth and found herself doing the same. She leant up, going onto her tiptoes slightly and captured Bernie’s lip with her own. Her heart squeezed and she whimpered at how good and right and absolutely perfect it felt to feel to kiss Bernie, how perfect it had always felt. They kissed for longer than they ever had before but there was no rushing, no desperate passion to the kiss. They were gentle and savouring and when they did pull apart it was done very slowly, tiny kisses and missed kisses and going back for more kisses. 

They stayed clasped together for what felt like an eternity afterwards until eventually Serena spoke, not being able to delay the inevitable for much longer. 

“Do you feel it?” She asked, voice almost a whisper. After a second of nothing from Bernie she spoke again. “Bernie?”

Bernie nodded, dropping her head onto Serena’s shoulder and dropping her arms so they wrapped around Serena’s waist. Serena did the same, and they embraced, holding on as tight as they could.

“I feel it every time I see you.” Bernie said, voice cracking.

Serena let her go and stepped away from her. Bernie could see the tears in her eyes, could see how strong she was trying to be.

“Right then.” She said.  
“We really can’t be friends anymore?” She asked, her voice hitching, her throat clenching with the threat of her own tears.  
“We’re just torturing ourselves.” Serena said. “We said it before, didn’t we? We both have husbands, you have a child, soon to be two…this just…wasn’t meant to be and dragging out these feelings and breaking our hearts every time we see each other just because trying to be friends is the noble thing to do is doing nothing to help things.”

Bernie nodded, not knowing what to say, hating what Serena was saying but knowing full well it was the truth and that she was right.

“Okay.” She said.  
“Okay.” Serena nodded.

She shoved her hand back in her pockets and any silence there would have been was interrupted by Cameron’s crying upstairs. Bernie looked towards the cries and when she looked back, Serena had past her and was by the front door.

“Wait, I..” She stopped, she didn’t know what she could say, what she wanted to say.

Serena smiled at her and came back to her, putting a hand on her shoulder and kissing her cheek. 

“Go and see to your son, Bernie.” She said before opening the door, giving her one last sad smile and leaving with a gentle thud of the door shutting behind her.

Bernie stared at the door for a long time after Serena left, her son crying upstairs as she tried not to cry along with him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for all the kudos and the lovely comments! I'm sorry I broke so many hearts but maybe this loooong chapter will make up for things! tw for unwanted sexual advances

Serena Campbell loved parties. She was the life and soul of any she attended and she unashamedly felt good when people stared when she entered the room. She loved getting dressed, putting on her makeup, doing her hair, all of it, the whole preparation. 

Hospital benefits were her favourite kind of party because you were required to go that extra mile, dress just that bit better, the dresses floor length, the heels high, and the lipstick dark. Now that she was a registrar it was compulsory that she attend any benefit that the hospital had and she was determined that tonight she would wow everyone in the room with her skills and her knowledge and her sparkling personality.

She was ready before Edward, who had just rushed in from work where a serious car accident had left him running late. The house seemed quiet without Elinor around and Serena tried to remember if the house had seemed so quiet when it had just been the two of them. 

The taxi outside beeped it’s horn and she descended the stairs as Edward rushed around the bedroom, looking for his shoes while trying to tie his tie. She checked her hair in the mirror, she had just had it cut to the length of a bob and was slowly getting used to it. When Elinor had been a baby she had had it tied up pretty much 24/7, she had always had something in her hair, either from Ellie or from her patients at work. It seemed much more manageable now and it was long still long enough for her to do something with. She had clipped it up with a blue jewelled clip, sections of her hair pulled out at the side of her face. She tucked a few strands behind her ear and grazed her deep blue tear drop earring that perfectly matched her dress, with her little finger. She had poured herself into a brushed velvet navy blue body con floor length gown with wide straps. Her bolero was a grey and sparkly and her heels electric blue and very high. Her lipstick was the darkest red she had and complimented perfectly her grey smoky eyes. She looked nothing short of stunning. 

The taxi beeped again and Edward finally came running down the stairs, his own navy blue tie lying unfastened around his neck. He pulled on his jacket as she put her own coat on and as she grabbed the keys and her handbag, he picked up their overnight bags and went on ahead to the taxi. She followed him out, turning off the hallway light and locking the front door.

She felt a buzz of excitement as she got in to the taxi, they hadn’t been out properly like this much since Elinor had been born and they had certainly never stayed overnight anywhere without her. Surprisingly she didn’t feel like she was missing her daughter, she knew she was with her Mother and she knew that by now she would be fast asleep and that she didn’t have to worry. They were going to go and have a great night and raise money for her hospital. She couldn’t wait to see her colleagues all dressed up, couldn’t wait to have a drink and, for the first time in ages, couldn’t wait to be sociable. Ever the social butterfly she needed attention and gossip to flourish and to feed her naturally nosy personality. 

The party was held at a big country house hotel about half an hour’s drive out of Holby and when they arrived the foyer was already packed with Doctors and hospital managers and their various dates and spouses. Everyone looked stunning and she recognised most of her colleagues who were milling around. The foyer was gorgeous, the big crystal chandelier the main attraction. Edward smiled along with her and she relaxed as they went over to the reception desk to check in for their stay. She had been looking forward to this party for weeks and weeks and for a little break away from Ellie and work and family, just her and Edward like it used to be. 

They checked in easily and their bags were taken by a porter up to their room. Dinner was being served soon in the big dining room, so they were herded into a side room, a smaller ballroom that was decorated gold and cream to wait. Everything seemed to sparkle and she found herself beaming at the waiter who appeared to offer them drinks of champagne. They took a glass each, sipping it while they began to move around the room, saying hello to their friends and introducing themselves to strangers. 

Around ten minutes later, they found themselves standing in a small group of doctors from Serena’s hospital, another registrar, two F2’s, an F1, and Serena’s two consultants who ran the ward together. 

“There are quite a few in from London I’ve heard.” One of the consultants said, Mr Barrett. “They have something that we want so charm your way into getting it by any means.”

They all laughed, Serena raising an eyebrow when Mr Barrett looked at her.

“I know my place at these things.” She said with a smirk.  
“Your charm is why I hired you, Serena.” He said. “And your glorious ability to strike fear into unruly medical students.”  
“Well…thank you.” She said with mock offence.  
“God help your staff when you’re running your own ward one day.” Mr Lions, the other consultant on the ward chipped in.

There was a chorus of, ‘hear, hear’ as everyone raised a glass to her. Edward smiled at her proudly, raising his eyebrows in encouragement as he took a sip of his drink. They fell back into easy conversation again, before one of the F2’s turned their attention to the guests milling around waiting to head into dinner. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been a room with so many doctors before.” The young doctor said, nervously.

The older doctors smiled at her sympathetically, all remembering their first time at a hospital benefit. Everyone was just as smart as you, just as ambitious and as hungry as you and everyone wanted something. Serena had felt nervous at first when she had started going to things like this but then she had realised that she was made for things like this and she had learnt that you could work and have fun doing it. 

She was just about to reassure the girl when a cool draft swept through the room, making her shiver, goose bumps appearing on her arms. The F2 that had been talking promptly stopped and looked past her towards the doors to the golden ballroom that had been thrown open. Everyone in the group turned and looked, following the F2’s gaze, and Serena felt herself shiver again, like someone had just walked over her grave. She turned at last, clutching her champagne glass tighter as she spun. Straight away she could see what had distracted the F2, a couple had come into the room, arm in arm. They were strangers to the younger members of staff but everyone else in their small group recognised them.

“Is that Marcus Dunne?” Mr Barrett boomed. “Old fella went off to London, didn’t he? What was it…three years ago nearly? What’s he doing here?”

Serena hadn’t even seen Marcus though, instead her eyes landed on his wife on his arm. His wife who looked the most uncomfortable, who always looked the most uncomfortable at a party. Bernie Wolfe was standing in the doorway, greeting a few people who had started to talk to Marcus. She let herself take Bernie’s appearance in as the blonde talked and smiled in the right places. Her blonde hair was longer than she had ever seen in, curling its way past her shoulders, still it’s silky, golden blonde colour. Her dress was long and straight and somehow crease free. It was a teal green colour and against her tanned from the sun skin suited her perfectly. She looked thinner but fitter and healthy. 

Everyone else from the group had turned back and she was vaguely aware of the conversation that had started back up but it was background sound to her. Her heart thudded in her chest, louder than the music in the room and she thought that if she wasn’t a doctor and therefore knew the physical impossibility, she would be certain that her heart was going to jump right out of her chest the rate it was going. 

She stood and stared and couldn’t seem to tear her eyes away from the woman she hadn’t seen in around four years. The last she had seen of her was when she left her in her own house after kissing her for one last time. The last she had heard of her being from Marcus when he had announced that they were moving to London before leaving his job a week later. She was stunned to see them here, she was stunned to see Bernie somewhere other than in her dreams.

Someone laughed loudly behind her and before she could turn away, pretend she hadn’t been staring, Bernie turned to the noise and they met each other’s gaze from across the room. She looked just as stunned as Serena and she felt some pity for her as she watched a range of emotions flash across her face. Eventually Bernie smiled at her and Serena had to take a steady breath because she had dreamt about that smile, about seeing that tiny, crooked, half smile again after four years. She blinked, gave a small smile, blushed and spun back to her little group, trying to ignore the feeling of Bernie’s eyes on her back. Edward slipped an arm around her waist.

“Alright?” He asked quietly, so none of their friends could hear him.  
“Yes, fine.” She took a large swig of her champagne and tried to get back into the conversation.

The small talk was pleasant enough and soon it was time for dinner which was announced by the CEO of Serena’s hospital. All the guests filed out of the room and into the main dining room which was just as impressive as the ballroom they had just been in. It had a black and white and silver theme and the floor was covered in tables, each one decorated with silver sparkling centrepieces. Serena would have been amazed at the beautifully decorated room and would have joined everyone else in ‘oo-ing’ and ‘ah-ing’ if she hadn’t had been busy trying not to look out for Bernie, trying not to catch her eye, trying not to even think about her. 

Edward seemed to have noticed his wife’s sudden mood shift and kept an arm around her waist, guiding them, with the rest of her colleagues, to their table which was situated near the front, right next to the stage. He pulled out her chair and she sat down, trying to hold a conversation with the F1 she was sat next to on the other side to Edward. She chatted to him until the wine came and promptly began to guzzle the shiraz set before her. Before she could drink it all in one go, Edward put a hand on her arm.

“Slow down, sweetheart.” He said.

Serena flushed pink and put her glass back down onto the table.

“Did you see them?” He asked, though she guessed it was probably a rhetorical question, a question to start the conversation.

She glanced around the table to see if anyone was listening but everyone was wrapped up in their own conversations about families, hospital budgets, their next holiday, to be bothered about what they were talking about. 

“Yes.” She said, her tone clipped, harsh, perhaps.  
“Do you think we should go over and say hello?” He asked.

He looked away from her and across the room and Serena followed his gaze to the couple in question, sitting in the middle of the room. Marcus was making everyone on the table laugh, as usual, and Bernie was faking a smile, trying to look as if she was enjoying things, as usual. She looked back to Edward, her fingers reaching out to touch the stork of her glass.

“We haven’t seen them in such a long time…” She said, trailing off.  
“Just a quick hello won’t hurt, surely?” Edward said with a shrug. “Ask how the kids are, how work is, that sort of thing.”

He smiled and picked up his own wine glass and as far as he saw it that was the conversation over. Serena picked up her own glass and sipped the red wine this time. She absolutely didn’t want to go over there but what choice did she have? Too many times she forgot that before she even met Bernie, Edward and Marcus had been friends, really very good friends and she could tell that Edward regretted losing touch when he had moved hospitals and then when Marcus had moved away. And he had never said anything to her but she knew that he hadn’t been happy that she had “fallen out” with Bernie. He didn’t know the details, of course he didn’t, he just regretted that the two wives had ever met. It amused her sometimes to think that that was all he knew, that he only saw them as wives that had had a bitch fight and had fallen out. And sometimes she felt guilty that he didn’t know that it was so much more than just “falling out”. It was broken hearts and pining and missing her so much even after all these years. It was kisses that even now she remembered so clearly, it was all of these things but mostly it was feelings, strong feelings that she didn’t think would ever go away. 

She dared to look up again and this time it was to see that Bernie had spotted her too and was looking right at her. She looked back to her wine glass, took a sip, and when she looked back up Bernie had looked away and was now talking to one of the guests at her table. She sighed, despite herself, and moved her hand to the back of her neck, rubbing the nape of her neck. Edward brought an arm around her shoulders and squeezed her shoulder affectionately. He leant over and pecked her cheek gently. 

“It’s going to be a good night.” He said, before moving away to talk to one of her bosses.

Serena didn’t need to look up to know that Bernie was staring at her again. When she did look up however, she thought she would set on fire with the intensity she found in Bernie’s eyes. She wondered, as she stared back, not quite strong enough to tear her gaze away, what her own eyes were betraying.

 

The dinner was amazing and Serena was feeling the earlier excitement she had arrived with coming back to her. It was nice to eat good food and drink good wine and be able to talk to your colleagues in a relaxed setting that was somewhere other than the hospital.

When dinner was over, more wine was consumed as they watched the hospitals CEO get up on the stage and talk about new equipment and his vision for a new neuro ward that would take up half of the ninth floor. Serena only half listened, having heard this all before at various meetings at the hospital. The speech was very good and was received with warm applause from the room. After the CEO had spoken it was time for a few of the neurologists at the hospital to speak before the lights in the room were turned down and the glitter ball turned on and it turned into a party. 

The ballroom at the other end of the dining room was soon full of doctors dancing or chatting or drinking and she soon found herself being pulled across the room, one hand in Edward’s and one trying not to spill a nearly full glass of shiraz. She didn’t pay much notice to just where he was pulling her off to which was why she nearly split her wine over a teal green floor length dress.

“Edward!” It was Marcus she heard first. “I didn’t know you were here!”

He reached forward and the men shook hands.

“Serena.” He said with a smile. “Looking beautiful as always.”  
“Thank you.” She said kindly, accepting his kiss to her cheek.

There was a tiny silence as the men looked between the two women, unsure as to how this was going to play out. Serena had to stop herself from rolling her eyes, she couldn’t abide awkwardness and this meeting, right on the edge of the dancefloor, was turning out to be just that. 

“Hello Bernie.” She said. “How are you?”

Bernie’s eyes widened and she took a tiny step towards Marcus as if she was scared of Serena or what she was going to say. Serena’s cheeks were hurting from her very false smile as she waited for the blonde to respond.

“Very good.” Bernie replied. “How are you both? It’s been a little while.”

Edward answered, and she let him talk about how his job was going and how her job was going and ask how there’s was.

“And how’s London life treating you?” He asked. “Bit of a change from here in Holby I’d bet.”  
“Just a bit.” Marcus said with a laugh. “We’re on the outskirts though so it’s a little quieter, we take the kids into the centre some weekends don’t we, Bern?”

Bernie nodded and gave a tiny smile.

“Yes.” She said.  
“Maybe we should take Ellie for a day trip eh, Serena? She’d love the train ride and all the shops, just like her Mother.” Edward said.

Serena smiled at the mention of her daughter and was just about to agree when Bernie spoke, her voice higher than usual.

“Ellie?” She asked, looking between Serena and Edward.  
“Elinor.” Serena said, her smile still on her lips. “Our daughter.”

She watched as Bernie smiled too, a genuine smile that made Serena lose her breath a little. Her whole face seemed to brighten.

“You’ve a daughter?” She said, her voice light and happy. “Oh! Congratulations!”  
“Thank you.” Serena said with a smile too, she could feel the pride for her tiny daughter radiating off her. “She’s three and a half nearly now and incredibly spoilt.”

Marcus laughed at that.

“Snap.” He said.

Bernie rolled her eyes at him but her smile remained.

“She’s needy, not spoilt.” She said.  
“Here.” Marcus said, with another little laugh. 

He gave his glass to Bernie and fished in the inside pocket of his jacket for his wallet. He brought it out and opened it, holding it out for Serena and Edward to see the photo that was contained inside. The photo showed two children, a boy that they recognised and a little girl with familiar dirty blonde hair. 

“Charlotte just turned four last week.” Bernie said. “Cute as a button and sensitive to boot.”  
“She’s beautiful, Bernie.” Serena said, feeling a strange kind of love for this little girl just as she still did for Cameron, even though she hadn’t met her. 

They had moved before Bernie had had Charlotte, and she hadn’t told them she was pregnant. She had wondered over the years what it would have been like, raising their girls practically together, only being a few months apart. She wondered if they would have been best friends by now, going off to nursery together. The thought made her feel a pang of sadness. 

The first years of being a Mother had been hard for Serena in a way she hadn’t expected the experience of motherhood to be. She had found that she wasn’t as maternal as she thought she would be. She wasn’t very patient and Elinor was fussy and stubborn, even as a baby, and though she hated to think about it now she had once or twice found herself shouting at her baby out of sheer frustration. It had gotten better now though and she was used to Ellie’s strong character and Elinor, even though she was only three, to hers. She had found herself wondering, more than once or twice over the years, what it would have been like if Bernie was still in her life. Would she have helped her like she had helped with Cameron? Would she have calmed her when frustration hit and when tiredness took over and she cried while rocking her bawling daughter in her arms at stupid o’clock in the morning? She thought that she would, was sure she would have. 

She smiled again at the photo just as Marcus was putting it away.

“And Cameron, gosh, how grown up.” She said.

Bernie positively beamed at this and Serena could see that the bond between mother and son hadn’t disappeared.

“Tell me about it.” She said. “It feels like it was just yesterday he was a baby in my arms.”

The women smiled at each other, brought together this time by their children. In the corner of her eye, Serena could see their husbands smirking at each other, could hear the clink of their glasses as the drank together.

She looked back at Bernie and met her steady gaze. She had gotten so used to life without Bernie’s intense gaze that it was almost overwhelming that she be on the receiving end right now, under the low lights and under the shine of the glitterball. Her hand came up to her necklace at her throat and she fiddled with the silver charm, her eyes moving away from Bernie and instead to the dance floor where her colleagues were enjoying themselves under the strong influence of many glasses of wine. 

As she looked out to the dancefloor, her CEO caught her eye and gave her a smile. Serena liked the man, he wasn’t a total pencil pusher, he actually cared a lot about patients and the quality of care that they were receiving from his staff. He was a little shorter than Edward but he was far slenderer. He had greying hair and stubble to match, his accent northern, his voice like honey. She guessed she might have a crush on him and him on her but she didn’t dwell too much on it. A little workplace crush was nothing, they flirted and she enjoyed it, it wasn’t like she was going to stray…if she was ever going to do that well…

She could feel Bernie’s eyes on her once again and she wished she wouldn’t do that. She didn’t look at her, just to Mr Marsden who had left the dancefloor and was striding towards them with an air of confidence and swagger…packed very tightly into a very expensive light grey suit. 

When he reached them he gave the group a very disarming smile that both Edward and Marcus seemed to shrink at. Serena hid her amused smile behind her glass and couldn’t help but look to Bernie. Once a solider, always a soldier it seemed…the blonde had straightened up, shoulders back, chest out, chin up. She looked the most intimidating Serena had ever seen her, a far cry from the quiet Bernie she had known only three years previously. Her heart gave a little flutter as Bernie stared at the man, was she jealous? 

“Serena Campbell.” The man said, kissing her cheek and giving her a wink. “I haven’t seen you all night, not hiding from me are you?”

Bernie visibly tensed at the interaction and Serena felt vaguely sorry for her, not enough for her to give up the flirting completely though…she was Serena Campbell after all. 

“Mr Marsden.” She purred, piling on the charm. “Now why would I ever do that?”

The man laughed before giving her a sweeping look up and down that made her heart race just a little bit. She raised an eyebrow when he came back to her face and he smirked, his bright blue eyes sparkling. 

“You’re looking incredible tonight if you don’t mind me saying.” He said.  
“Not at all, thank you.” She said, with a smile over her glass.

Beside them, Bernie cleared her throat loudly, causing them both to turn back to the group. Serena eyed the blonde with narrowed eyes.

“Do you need a cough drop, Bernie?” She asked, causing Bernie to blush the deepest red.

Bernie opened her mouth to say something, her eyes blazing, but before she could Edward spoke.

“Mr Marsden, I’m Edward Campbell, Serena’s husband, nice to meet you.” The men shook hands. “And these are our friends, Marcus Dunne and Bernie Wolfe, Marcus is an F2 at The Royal London and Bernie is in the RAMC doing trauma surgery.”

Mr Marsden gave them friendly nods of greeting.

“Good to meet you, and please, call me James, we’re at a party.” He said. “I didn’t know you were with friends Serena, if I did I wouldn’t have come over here to ask you for a dance.”

Serena suspected that he would have come over even if she had been with her elderly Grandmother and several cousins, had been dropping suggestions about a dance the whole week. She chuckled and drained her glass of its red wine.

“Oh, I’m sure my friends wouldn’t mind keeping Edward company for just one dance.” She said. 

She turned and gave her empty glass to Edward. He was frowning so she leant close and pecked him on the cheek, a hand squeezing his arm.

“A little schmoozing the boss never hurt anyone.” She whispered before glancing at Bernie and taking the offered arm from James and setting off for the dance floor.

As they started dancing she glanced back to her little group and was a little bit pleased to see every one of them looking at her as she danced in the arms of her boss. Edward was the first to turn back and begin chatting to Marcus again, she knew he saw nothing in it and was proud that he knew there wasn’t and that he trusted her. Bernie, on the other hand, turned away, drained her glass, said something Serena couldn’t see and walked away from the men. She tried to see where she went but the crowd was too thick and she disappeared quickly. So she relaxed into the dance and flirted unashamedly with her boss and then returned to her husband, just as she said she would. She certainly enjoyed feeling Mr Marsden’s eyes on her behind as she swayed her hips and walked away from him. 

When Marcus left in search of his wife, Serena dragged her husband around the room to do what was needed, what they were all there for: networking. She wowed a couple of highflying surgeons with her knowledge of vascular surgery and then wowed them some more with her irresistible charm. 

The night was turning out to be a triumph for the hospital and for her and she was enjoying herself. She had almost forgotten Bernie had existed until she was talking to somebody from Holby City Hospital and had happened to turn away from them and look out to the dance floor. And there she was, dancing with her husband, looking beautiful and surprisingly graceful, smiling at her husband while swaying along to the slow music. She felt a pang of something that she had never felt before, not this strong anyway…jealousy. 

And she hated the feeling. Hated how her heart seemed to slow and her face started to feel hot as she watched the couple dance. She suddenly regretted flirting in front of her, what had she been thinking…

She thought that over the past three years she had grown up a bit, become a grown-up who actually talked about their feelings instead of just trying to bury them, trying to forget they ever existed. She had become a Mother and she was working her way up to becoming quite an excellent surgeon, she was maturing. She didn’t know why Bernie was here tonight, hadn’t dared to think that she may see the blonde again, hadn’t thought of what she would do if she did. What she did know was that they had been friends once, had cared very deeply for each other, and exchanging fake pleasantries and loaded looks and pettiness was not what you did when, once upon a time, you had shared so much.

She also knew that she would kick herself if she woke up in the morning, Bernie being gone and them not having had a proper conversation. Edward had begged off doing the rounds a little while ago and was now sitting with a group of her hospital gang having a whale of a time it seemed by the sounds of laughter erupting from the table every couple of seconds. 

She gave the dancefloor another look before leaving her company and going over to the bar to order another glass of shiraz for dutch courage. She fully intended to talk to Bernie, be brave and just talk to her. She gave her order to the barman just as Mr Marsden appeared beside her at the bar.

“Having a good evening, Mr Marsden?” She asked, sweetly, wanting to get away from him as soon as possible lest Bernie look over her way.

“It’s a very good party.” He said, a smirk on his face that made Serena feel a little uncomfortable. “I particularly enjoyed our dance earlier.”

Serena smiled kindly and nodded and turned back to the bar, looking around for the barman who had seemed to have gone MIA in search of her wine. She looked back to her boss and squirmed a little under his gaze, his eyes firmly on her breasts. 

“I have to say, Serena, you look amazing in that dress.” He said, a slight slur to his words telling her he was quite drunk.  
“Oh…well, thank you, Mr Mar—“  
“Call me James, please.” He inched closer to her and she found herself almost frozen on the spot as his hand found her waist. 

He had her trapped against the bar, her hip pressed against the wood. She gave him a tight smile and then chanced a glance at her husband who was still talking to their friends. James seemed to follow her gaze and gave a low laugh.

“He doesn’t have to know Serena.” He said, his voice low.   
“Know what…?” She asked, trying to move away but finding his hand on her hip gripping even tighter.  
“I know you like me, and I know what kind of girl you are.” He said, leaning towards her. “You’re a flirt, Ms Campbell, you parade around making everyone want you and then you drop them and make them feel like nothing.”

Serena tried to pull herself away again but he spun her around and pushed her against the bar, his other hand finding her other hip, his front pushing against hers.

“But that’s not going to happen to me.” He said, his face close. “No, no, you’re going to finish what you started.”

He pushed his body further into hers and she felt his bulge against her stomach. Her stomach lurched and she felt a swoop of nausea. She tried to pull herself away yet again but he was too strong and kept her in place against the bar.

“Take your hands off me.” She growled. 

But James just laughed and pressed against her harder.

“You’ve been teasing me all week, can you feel what you do to me?” He rolled his hips onto hers and she could feel him getting hard.

She moved her hands up to his arms and tried to push him away.

“You’re disgusting.” She said, a note of panic in her voice that she was trying her hardest to hide.  
“You want this.” He said, a little firmer, she was annoying him.  
“No…”

He leant forward, leant in to kiss her and she could smell the alcohol he had consumed, could feel his warm breath on her face. She leant back and tried to push her away but he was too strong. Her heart was hammering and she was trying not to cry as he advanced on her, trying to kiss her.

“Stop.” She said, trying to raise her voice but failing.

She squeezed her eyes closed as his face got closer but opened them a second later when the weight on her was pulled away. 

“What do you think you’re doing?”

It was Bernie and she was livid. Her eyes were blazing with an anger that Serena had never seen from her before. She was taller than the man in her heels and she was easily more threatening too. 

“Do you mind, we were in the middle of something.” He drawled, a horrible smirk on this face as he ogled Bernie too. “Mind you…I wouldn’t mind it if you joined in too, I have a thing for blondes and you are a pretty one.”

Bernie pushed him away and the drunken mess of a man stumbled before looking back to her with venom. 

“You’re drunk and I’m in the army so I suggest you walk away now and leave Ms Campbell alone.” She growled, advancing on the man who was stumbling backwards away from her now. “Be smart, Mr Marsden.”

The man gave her a dirty look before glancing at Serena and stalking off, hitting off the nearest table as he went. When she was sure he was gone and was not going to return, Bernie turned to Serena who had managed to stand up straight. 

“Are you alright?” She asked, still angry, not aware that she was shaking.

From the bar, Serena nodded, her breath evening out, her racing heart finally beginning to slow. Bernie nodded too and for a moment they were silent, the party carrying on as normal around them. Serena looked around for Edward to find him unchanged, still laughing and talking and she was glad of this fact, glad he hadn’t seen what had happened. 

The barman came back and put her glass of wine on the bar. She spun around, remembering that she had ordered it, digging into her clutch bag for the change. She handed him the money and picked up the glass, downing the comforting liquid with a shaking hand. Bernie came up beside her and put a hand on the top of her arm, unsurprised that her friend was shaking. 

Serena put down the glass carefully and took a few deep breaths.

“Thank you.” She said, not quite being able to look Bernie in the eye.  
“Are you sure you’re okay? Shall I get Edward?” Bernie was worrying her bottom lip and Serena could see the shy Bernie that she had known all those years ago, for the first time that night.  
“No, leave him.” She said quickly.

The song playing over the dancefloor was ending and there was a split second where only the guests could be heard, chatting and laughing and clinking their glasses. When the next song came on Serena pushed her empty glass away and pushed herself away from the bar. She looked to Bernie, remembered how beautiful she had looked on the dancefloor, and grasped her hand. 

Bernie didn’t protest just followed as Serena led her over to the dancefloor, weaving their way through couples dancing so they were partially hidden in the middle of the floor. 

“Dance with me?” Serena asked, her voice barely carrying over the music.

Tainted Love bled its way out of the sound system and across the floor as Serena brought Bernie’s hand out of her own and onto her hip. She placed her own on the blonde’s shoulder and they found each other’s hands, clasping them together. They began to move together slowly, Serena’s thumb stroking Bernie’s exposed shoulder gently until she relaxed a little. 

“My hero.” Serena said, finding Bernie’s gaze and holding it.

Bernie gave a hum of a laugh but her eyes shined. Her hand found the small of Serena’s back and she pulled her closer so their bodies were only centimetres apart and their faces almost cheek to cheek. They continued to move to the song, Bernie slowly moving her palm around in gentle circles on Serena’s back. She could feel that Serena had started to cry but continued to hold her tight, to soothe her by having her in her arms. 

“It’s the shock.” She soothed. “It’s just the shock.”

Serena took a breath and shifted her position so her fingertips were grasping onto Bernie, her nails almost digging into her shoulder blades. She moved her head so she was cheek to cheek with the woman, making Bernie drop her hand and move it instead to Serena’s other hip, wrapping her arms around her waist. Serena wrapped her arms around Bernie’s shoulders and they both relaxed into a hug, enjoying the feeling of each other again after so long apart. They swayed for a little while before Serena pulled back from their embrace to look at Bernie.

“I feel a bit like a fool.” She said through a small smile.

The music had changed into something soft and slow and all around couples were swaying and enjoying their night dancing with spouses and friends and colleagues. 

“It’s not your fault.” Bernie told her.  
“Maybe I should have seen it coming.” She said, biting her lip, trying to keep her voice steady.  
“Stop it, Serena.” Bernie said, giving her back a hard rub. “This is not your fault. He was drunk and out of order and quite frankly I would have happily beat the shit out of him.”

This made Serena laugh which made Bernie smile.

“I’d like to have seen that.” Serena told her, bringing her arms up so they were wrapped around Bernie’s neck.  
“The night is still young.” The blonde shrugged.  
“At ease, solider.”

Bernie chuckled and Serena had the chance to take in her appearance up close. Her hair was blonder than she had ever seen it and her face was thinner, her cheekbones more prominent. Her fingers found the ends of Bernie’s long hair and she wound a lock between her fingers.

“Your hair’s long.”  
“Do you like it?”  
“Very much so.”

They smiled at each other.

“And you’re…you haven’t changed.” Bernie said, a fond twinkle in her eye.  
“I’ve put on some weight.” Serena shrugged as they found a rhythm together, swaying to the music.  
“Still the most beautiful person in this room.”

Serena couldn’t help the smile that spread over her face and the heat that rose on her cheeks. She laughed a little embarrassed. 

“You got brave.” She told her, not sure whether she was talking about the compliment or the heroics of earlier or just a general observation of a friend she hadn’t seen in so long.  
“Oh I don’t know about that, I don’t feel it.”  
“Always so humble.”

Serena brought her arms back to Bernie’s neck and felt Bernie tighten her grip around her waist.

“So…Charlotte.” Serena said.  
“I wouldn’t do without her.” Bernie said, a small, rather sad smile starting on her face.  
“Good.” Serena nodded. “Good, I’m glad.”  
“And Elinor.” Bernie said, her voice high just as it had been earlier at the mention of Serena’s daughter.  
“She’s the love of my life.” Serena told her. “However much she tries me.”  
“I imagine you’re a wonderful Mother.”

Serena laughed at this, she had heard the sentiment many times, nobody knew how simply not true it was.

“Not quite.” She said, a small resigned smile on her lips.  
“It’s hard.” Bernie said simply.  
“That’s an understatement.”  
“Doesn’t mean you aren’t trying your best, doesn’t mean that you’re doing a bad job.”

Bernie looked at her with squinted eyes, scanning her to make sure her message was felt. And it was. Serena nodded and felt that finally somebody understood her, understood what motherhood was like for her. 

“And work?” Bernie asked.  
“Dull.” Serena shrugged.  
“Serena Campbell, I’m surprised at you.”

The music changed into something more up-tempo and they pulled away from each other only a slight, hands running down arms, until fingers found each other and they found their hands clasped together. They swayed still though, not really paying much attention to the music, but knowing they didn’t have an excuse to be so close together anymore.

“What?” Serena asked, an eyebrow raised.  
“It’s not like you to be unhappy in a job.” Bernie shrugged. “To stay in a job you’re unhappy in I mean.”

Serena laughed, she spun Bernie around and smirked as the blonde tripped over her dress slightly. Bernie shook her head and pulled Serena back to her, one arm wrapped around her waist, the other still holding onto her hand.

“What happened to your life plan?” Bernie asked.

Serena Campbell always had a life plan, a career plan. It had so many plan B’s and plan C’s and emergency back ups it made Bernie’s head spin. She had read the plan only once, had only gotten half way through it before Serena had snatched it away after Bernie had sniggered at the impossibility of it all. 

“I threw it out.” Serena said stiffly, not looking at her.  
“Why?”  
“I realised you were right…” She told her. “Life is impossible to predict, the best we can do is live for now, try to make the best of ourselves in the present.”

Bernie frowned, her fingers absentmindedly stroking Serena’s back over her dress.

“I wasn’t criticising your plan…” She sighed. “Maybe I should have thought about making a plan way back when.”  
“You’re not enjoying work?” Serena asked.  
“That’s the problem.” Bernie shrugged. “I was made for this job, I enjoy it, I love the thrill and the basic living and I learn so much it’s just…”

Serena watched as Bernie’s eyelashes flickered, looking away, then looking back as the music slowed once again and the lights dropped and Bernie’s blonde hair shined in the light of the disco ball hanging above them like mistletoe. 

“Leaving the kids is hard but sometimes when I leave them I’m relieved like…like I’ve been living in a dream that’s wonderful but just a little bit strange and surreal and when I go it’s like I’m glad I’ve woken up and I can go back to being myself again. Maybe if I had a plan, if I had had a plan back then I would have…I don’t know, done things differently, timed things differently.”

Serena didn’t say anything for a second or two and Bernie looked to her, searched her for some reaction, felt a wonderful weight being lifted from her despite the anxiety of a bad reaction from Serena.

“I had a patient a couple of years back.” Serena began. “She was terminally ill, had been since she was about eleven. Her name was Eve, which she reminded me on a daily basis meant, ‘Life’. She decided to make a plan one day, intended to fully live up to her name and really live, really make the most of her life because she was just…the most alive person, so full of life, so full of the want to live. So she made a plan for the rest of her life. She was seventeen years old and only had a year or so to live but she was going to pack so much into what little time she had left. And she did. She went on holidays, she went to parties, she spent her time with her family and friends. And even when she was admitted to hospital in the end she still kept to her plan, we drank wine on my nightshifts and I taught her to play poker…and just before she died she looked at my plan, threw it back at me and laughed. She said, ‘Ms Campbell, that’s not a list at all, it’s empty and boring and far too organised and you’ve forgotten the most important thing.’”

“What?” Bernie asked, a little breathless.  
“She said I’d forgot to add feelings.” Serena said, a tiny smile on her lips at the memory of a patient she would never forget. “And she was right. Life isn’t about timing and precise planning it’s about living it and doing what makes you happy and what you think is right. Sometimes it is hard and it can feel like you’re only just surviving but you get through it and life carries on and you come out of it stronger than you ever were before. Bernie…you love your kids and you love your job and those things co-exist and it’s tough but that’s life and you’re doing a great job and you shouldn’t feel like you need to choose one over the other, jam it all in, love your kids and save people all at once because you’re wonderful and you can do it.”

They had stopped swaying and Bernie felt a little overwhelmed. Serena squeezed her hand and gave her a bright as the sun smile and brought her back to the music and the dancing couples around them and back to the feel of her pressed against her.

“What would Eve tell you to do now?” She asked, her voice quiet despite the music.  
“She hated the word dull.” Serena said after a second, surprising herself with a laugh.

Bernie nodded before pulling away from Serena. The crowd on the dancefloor was beginning to lessen but despite this she felt enclosed and hot. She gave a quick look over to the tables where she saw her husband and Edward talking closely together before reaching for Serena’s hand and pulling her away from the dancefloor and out through the big double doors, across the checked floor of the foyer and outside through a side door, into the gardens of the hotel. A few party goers were dotted around but it was fairly empty and very quiet. The noise of the waterfalls and the party instead were soft and muted and created a comforting atmosphere. She led them to a bench which sat underneath a wooden canopy that had been decorated delicately with twinkling fairy lights. The garden had lights all around and to Serena it all looked magical, liked they’d stepped into a romance novel. They sat but Bernie didn’t let go of her hand, just stroked her thumb over Serena’s soft skin. 

She watched as Bernie looked to the sky, to the stars and to the bright moon that was shining full and white tonight. She thought that when Bernie looked back she could still see the brightness and magic of the moon in the deep brown of her eyes.

“I have a week left at home.” She said.

Serena didn’t say anything, didn’t understand, Bernie carried on.

“I’m off to Kosovo, the troops have been out there fighting for a while now but the casualties just keep racking up and they need a trauma team urgently. I’ve been called up.” She said. 

Serena paled but Bernie could just give a small smile, she was used to this reaction, had had it from Marcus and her parents and the few friends she had outside the army. 

“It’s an active war zone, it’s the biggest thing I’ve ever done but I think it’s what I need to do.” She said.  
“It’s definitely not dull.” Serena said, trying for a nervous laugh.

Bernie regarded her for a moment or two before scooting closer.

“What do you want to do next Serena?” She asked. “You know why you’re finding work dull don’t you? It’s because you want to do something else.”

Serena sniffed and looked away.

“I couldn’t do it anyway.” She said firmly.  
“Why not?” Bernie challenged.  
“Ellie’s too young, she needs stability.” Serena reasoned, like she had done about 100 times before in her head.  
“For what?” Bernie pushed.

Serena huffed, she had never voiced her desire for a change, for a little time out to do something different, somewhere different.

“An opportunity came up for me to do a placement in America.” She said. “Alongside of a MBA at Harvard University.”  
“That’s…wow that’s…that sounds amazing.” 

Serena raised an eyebrow at the blonde who chuckled.

“I mean for you.” She said. “Honestly that sounds like hell to me.”

Serena laughed too but sighed.

“I’d all together given up on the idea until I thought of Eve again.” She said.

Bernie nodded and smiled suddenly making Serena smile too.

“What?” Serena asked.  
“I just…I’ve missed you.”

Serena swallowed down the lump in her throat.

“I’ve missed you too.” She said.

Bernie fought the want to reach out and touch Serena, touch Serena’s cheek, her chin, her hair, her lips. Her eyes flicked away from Serena and to the sky and then back. She attempted a smirk but heavily suspected she was smiling softly at the look Serena was giving her. She stood abruptly then and pulled Serena up with her. The garden was deserted now, just the two of them and the music inside was becoming quieter as the party wound up. She gently pulled her by the hand deeper into the garden and stopped, looking up to the dark sky. Serena copied her, scanning the starry sky.

“What are we looking for?” She asked, voice a whisper. 

Bernie brought her hand up and pointed to the massive shining moon.

“The moon?”  
“Charlotte has this book…I think Marcus’ Mother bought it in a passive aggressive attempt to tell me she doesn’t approve of me leaving.” Bernie told her. “Anyway, in the book it says that when you’re missing someone, all you have to do is look up at the moon because chances are they’re looking out at the same moon, wherever they are, and missing you too. I told Charlotte that when she misses me, all she need do is look at the moon before bedtime and she’ll know that Mummy is missing her too.”  
“That’s lovely.”  
“Will you – will you look at the moon too, if – if you ever miss me, that is…”

Serena looked away from the moon and the blanket of stars and to Bernie and was struck with how much Bernie had grown and changed and though she was still the same she had gotten more layers and developed little bits of her personality that had previously been hidden away. 

She thought back to the day she had gone around to Bernie’s house and had told her that they couldn’t be friends anymore. Because although she had always told herself it had been a mutual decision she knew it was mostly her decision to take herself away from Bernie. For the sake of her sanity she knew it was the right decision, could see it now more than ever. 

But she had always regretted one thing, not what she had said to Bernie because she didn’t think her words had been harsh or unforgiving but what she hadn’t said, what she had felt so without a doubt, but hadn’t said in the interest of making the break as uncomplicated and pain free as she could.

She realised she was staring when Bernie looked away from the sky and to her. She opened her mouth to speak, her cheeks feeling hot despite the night making the air around them cold, but before she could a voice called out from the open doors of the hotel.

Without thinking, she tugged on Bernie’s hand and pulled them behind a tree, Bernie’s back digging into the bark, Serena pressed against her front. Bernie gave a tiny noise of surprise but Serena brought a finger up to her lips, shushing her. 

“Serena? Are you out here?” Edward’s voice pierced the quiet air. “Serena?”

They held their breaths, squeezed tight against each other in their hiding spot as he called out a few more times. After a long few seconds he left and Serena dropped her finger from Bernie’s lips, making Bernie laugh.

They didn’t move from the hiding place and Serena placed her hands on Bernie’s hips, mirroring Bernie’s on her own hips. Their breathing became shallow at their closeness and Bernie had to wet her lips to speak.

“This feels like the first time we met.” She muttered, a nervous laugh escaping her.  
“I should have told you then.” Serena breathed, her eyes flicking to Bernie’s lips and back up to her eyes.  
“Told me what?” Bernie asked, her fingers scratching Serena’s hip.  
“Bernie I ---“

A loud laugh came from somewhere next to the bench at the top of the garden, glasses were clinked and voices followed. The two women stared at each other, just holding on, until the party guests left the garden again.

It was getting cold and as she started rubbing Bernie’s arm gently she wasn’t sure whether Bernie was shivering against the night or at her touch.

“Are you cold?” She said, her throat catching making Bernie smile.  
“A little.”  
“Right…just.” She hesitated but found that Bernie’s intense, warm, gaze made her feel steady, she brought a hand up to her face, tucking a long strand of blonde hair away. “Bernie I need to say this…and I need to say it tonight because seeing you after four years has made me realise that -- and you don’t need to say it back because I know it isn’t the right time for you but – I love you.”

Her heart was racing, and she was aware she was clutching onto Bernie for dear life, her legs having turned to jelly. Her cheeks felt flushed and her eyes wet but she felt lighter somehow, like a giant weight had been lifted from her shoulders, like she had removed whatever had been crushing her chest for so long. Bernie held her tighter and nodded, her eyes threatening to spill tears onto her hot cheeks. Serena nodded along with her and smiled, bright, her eyes shining and her lips shimmering.

“Really?” Bernie asked, her voice a whisper, timid, a quiet elation that Serena saw on her face.  
“Yes.”

Bernie drew her into a tight embrace and they stayed like this for a long few moments before Serena shivered in her short dress and Bernie pulled away.

“Come on.” She said, rubbing up and down her arms in an attempt to generate heat to warm her up. “Let’s get back to the party.” 

She held out a hand and Serena took it, clutching on to her for dear life, trying to commit her touch to memory. They walked slowly up to the hotel before dropping their hands and walking side by side back to the party. 

They found their husbands quickly and went their separate ways. After half an hour with her colleagues who were beginning to peel off to bed as midnight edged closer, Serena felt a headache coming on and bade goodnight to her work friends, pulling Edward away with her. They were crossing the room when they passed a small group of party goers still drinking and having fun. Marcus and Bernie were part of the group, clocking them as they passed. 

“Heading to bed?” Marcus asked, pulling Bernie out from the group.  
“It’s been a good night but we’re all partied out, I think.” Edward said.

Marcus laughed and held out his hand for Edward to take.

“It’s been really good seeing you, mate.” He said, warmth in his voice that made Serena smile.  
“You too, keep in touch.”

Marcus leant over to kiss Serena on the cheek and Edward did the same with Bernie.

“Goodnight Bernie.” Serena said. 

She watched Bernie hesitate before reaching out and touching Serena’s arm lightly, kissing her cheek just as Marcus had.

“Goodnight Serena.” She said, a small, secret smile on her lips.

She felt Edward wrap an arm around her waist and guide her away as the couple fell back into the group they had come from. As they walked out of the doors Serena looked back, one last look for her to commit to memory, one last morsel for her to savour, one last glance at Bernie Wolfe before she disappeared again.

When she turned back, Edward kissed the side of her head and tightened his grip on her waist.

“Did you enjoy the party?” He asked, with a yawn.  
“Yes.” She said. “It was certainly a night to remember.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Nine, Part One

Part One 

“A flower knows, when its butterfly will return,  
and if the moon walks out, the sky will understand;  
but now it hurts, to watch you leave so soon,  
when I don't know, if you will ever come back.”   
― Sanober Khan

 

Serena’s throat was sore, sore from shouting and sore from sobbing and sore from being so run down she had barely slept in a week. Her cheeks felt raw now that her makeup had been removed, her eyes red and puffy, slow to open and painful to close. She does close them though because she has to get up in four hours and she’s so tired, so very tired. 

She hates how every sound in the house is amplified at night, when she closes her eyes, when she’s alone. Though she is alone in the big double bed in their room she still lies on her side, the duvet pulled over her shoulder as she lies facing the door. She squeezes her eyes tight shut and wills herself to sleep, she knows everyone at work already thinks she’s losing it she doesn’t want to turn up in the morning with black circles under her eyes confirming what they already know. She tries to even out her breathing, tries to calm her racing heart. 

There’s a creak in the floorboards out on the landing and her eyes fly open, she lies as still as she can and listens. She lies for what feels like ten minutes before letting herself relax when nothing comes of the sound. She rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling, maybe if she counted sheep, or ran through the steps of a complicated surgery.

She pulls herself up so she’s sitting with her back against the headboard and stares out of the window opposite the bed. The curtains were open and the only light in the room is from the bright moon that had been hung in the sky in front of her bedroom window.

She wonders if anyone is out there, if anyone else is looking at the moon like she is. She stares at it as she gets her heart to stop racing, as a headache starts and her back begins to ache. She stares at it and becomes mesmerised, her eyes tracing its craters and the stars around it and wonders what it’s like being that far away from earth.

Time passes and she’s lost in space when the floorboard on the landing creeks again. She doesn’t move, just her hand, moving up to the silver pendant laying against her chest. The bedroom door opens and her husband falls through. She flinches when he passes the window and drops onto the bed. She doesn’t move when he crawls across the bed towards her, clumsily pawing at her, his words when he speaks slurred.

“You…you waited up for me…darling.”  
“Go to sleep, Edward.”

And she shuffles down into the bed and lies down, turning away from him. He moves around for a bit longer but she ignores him, closing her eyes.

When she wakes next it’s with her alarm. Edward is asleep and has managed to throw an arm around her in his sleep. She lies still for a whole minute before she has to move, her skin is crawling underneath him and she feels the burning need to scream. She gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom. She’s not surprised to see dark circles under her eyes, she’s not surprised at how used to the image she feels.

***

The first Bernie hears of Serena after is when Marcus comes home from a 12 hour shift, yawning but buzzing with gossip. She’s putting dinner on the table and Cameron and Charlotte are fighting over some toy that they both absolutely have to play with right now and she’s only half listening to his story as she cuts up Charlotte’s fish fingers. She confiscates the toy, an action which is met with daggers by her children and sits, pushing her husband to eat. He eats and talks and all Bernie can think about is the quiet she’ll get when they put the kids to bed when he mentions her…just casually.

She lifts her head from her dinner and asks him to repeat himself, to go back and tell her again.

“Yeah, he was absolutely mortal apparently, he got stitches and everything.” He said. “They gave him a sharp talking to when he dragged himself into work the next day.”  
“Who told you this?” She asked.  
“Someone who used to work with me and Serena at St James.” He said, tucking into his meal. “Everyone heard about it, she’s mortified, but you know Serena, soldiering on as usual.”  
“I don’t understand.” Bernie said, shaking her head and frowning. “Everyone gets drunk sometimes, why has this made this made the gossip?”

Marcus takes a sip of his wine that they’re sharing and Bernie has to stop herself from tapping her fingers on the table out of impatience.

“That’s the thing, it’s not just sometimes that he gets drunk, it’s most of the time.” He explained. “He showed up on her ward last week, off his head, bottle in his hand shouting about something or other. She had to push him out apparently, didn’t look anyone in the eye for the rest of the shift.”

Bernie felt her heart drop and she suddenly felt too sick to eat. 

“Did they tell you why?” She asked. “Why he’s drinking so much?”  
“Well Ben reckons they’ve been having trouble at home.” Marcus shrugged. “Once or twice she’s turned up with red eyes, or late, which is not like her at all. She works late so they think she’s avoiding going home. Nobody questions her though, they’re too afraid that her bite may be worse than her bark and they are not willing to find out.”

He chuckled and went back to his dinner, the conversation ending when Cameron started chatting about his day at school and everything he had learnt.

That night, when Marcus was bathing both kids, Bernie sat in the corner of her sofa and just stared at her telephone in her hand. Not for the first time in so many years she felt the pull to call Serena. This time it felt more urgent, more like it was something she had to do more than something she wanted to do. What could she say? 

‘Hi Serena, I rang because heard rumours that your husband might be an alcoholic…’

Is that how you supported your friends? She wasn’t sure what the protocol for this situation was, wasn’t sure that there was one. Her fingertips moved over the keypad while her brain dared her to press just that little bit harder, to stop her cowardly caress over the numbers she knew off my heart and just dial the number.

But she couldn’t. Because she was scared, scared of finding Serena unhappy, scared that she couldn’t help or scared that she would drop everything and just go and be with her.

So she pulled herself up and put the phone back on its cradle and tried to watch Coronation Street, hoping that the more wine she drunk the faster it would take for her brain to shut down.

***

 

The first time Serena hears of Bernie is when sees Marcus one day, completely out of the blue. She isn’t at all sure it’s him at first, has to guide her shopping trolley further along the aisle in order to get a better look. She pretends to be looking at the shelves, picks up a tin of baked beans that she doesn’t really look at, instead looks over it and to the man with a basket who is looking at the pasta sauce. 

She is sure it’s him, is sure that other than the dark stubble on his chin, he hasn’t changed. She drops the tin in her trolley and looks around but there is no sign of Bernie, no one else in the whole aisle but the two of them. She inches further towards him with her trolley and clears her throat loudly, being sure to look like she’s studying something on the shelf beside him. It does the trick and she can see him turn to look at her out of the corner of her eye.

“Serena?”

She turns, her face schooled into an expression of surprise. 

“Marcus! Hello stranger.” She smiles at him. “What are you doing here?”  
“Erm…” He stumbles over his surprise and Serena can tell by the bashful look on his face that he knows about her split from Edward. “I’m picking up some supplies for my Mother, she took a fall last week so I brought the kids up for the weekend to see her.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, she’s alright now though?” She asked, fighting to keep the smile on her face.  
“Er…yes, yes.” He nodded. “Yes she’s fine, all the better for seeing her grandchildren I think.”

There was an odd sort of silence as each tried to think of something to say, Serena suddenly wishing she had just walked away and left him to his shopping.

“How are the children?” She asked.  
“Good!” He said. “They’re good…and how’s…erm…”  
“Elinor.” She reminded.  
“Elinor, yes, of course, how’s Elinor?” He stumbled, giving her an embarrassed smile.  
“Growing up too fast.” She said.

This made Marcus laugh and he visibly relaxed.

“Tell me about it.” He said. “One day they’re babies and you’re changing their nappies, the next you’re dropping them off at school and helping them with their homework.”  
“But we wouldn’t have it any other way.”  
“They have us wrapped around their little fingers.”

They laughed and Serena found herself fiddling with the handle of her trolley. She gave a smile and tried to still her fidgeting fingers.

“And how’s Bernie?” She asked, her voice as light as she could manage.  
“She’s…she’s away, erm, in Iraq, actually.” He told her. “It’s been a long one this time.”

Serena could only nod and hope her face conveyed sympathy and not the instant worry and sickness she felt inside. She gripped the trolley handle hard, her knuckles turning white.

“You must miss her.” She said.  
“Yeah…yeah we do.”

She nodded and smiled tightly and was glad when Marcus held up his basket.

“I’d better be going.” He said. “It’s nice to see you.”  
“You too.”

He moved off and almost as if her brain had switched her body onto autopilot she finished her shop and paid, packing her car and pulling out of the car park. She didn’t even get as far as the main road before the tears started, rolling hot and fast down her cheeks.

***

It was the middle of the night and Bernie was wary. It wasn’t rare that they feel anxious, anxious of an attack or gunfire or blood, anxious of the danger going on around them. Tonight she felt anxious, not because of the ever-present threat of warfare but the near silence that was surrounding the camp. If she closed her eyes tight enough she could almost imagine that she was at home in her own bed, her husband beside her and her children asleep in the next room, in the quiet outskirts of London. Except her blanket was scratchy, she was sleeping in her heavy combat trousers and her pillow was hard and lumpy. She didn’t mind though, was glad that finally she was lying down to sleep after an exhausting day, glad that her stinging eyes were finally getting a chance to rest.

She was glad to be off her feet she just wished she could actually fall asleep. It had been a tough day. There had been a lot of bad injuries. Not fatal bad enough to either be put into the recovery bay or to be flown out of the camp and to a hospital. None of the events had sat well with her and she was left feeling like they hadn’t really achieved anything, like they had been busy all day but what had they really done? What success had they really had? She felt unsettled and irritable and for the first time in a long time she felt extremely homesick. She wasn’t the type to get homesick, wasn’t the type to long for home, she told herself that feeling that way was pointless so it wasn’t very often she let herself think about home. She thought about her children all the time of course but she didn’t feel the great urge to see them, knew that a phone call now and then and the odd letter would be enough until she came home. She missed Marcus too but not as much as her children and not as much as she used to. She didn’t miss the house, it was just a house, fully furnished and decorated by Marcus, she had no connection to it never really had. But tonight felt different. She thought of what she could have done at home. She could have taken her children to school, she could have made them a packed lunch and ironed their uniforms. She could have picked them up and helped them with their homework, made them tea and then sent them up to bed with a story and a kiss. She could have snuggled up in a bed that was big enough that she didn’t have to bent her legs up and that didn’t have a blanket made her arms itch. And the quiet would be a nice quiet, not the kind of quiet that felt false and threatening and a little bit scary.

She huffed and rolled onto her back, opening her dry eyes and staring up at the darkness. She lay a hand over her chest, underneath her splayed fingers her heart was racing. Her palms were beginning to feel damp and her eyes stung even more. In the darkness, among her sleeping colleagues, she could hear a low rumbling from somewhere in the distance that was only slightly breaking the silence that bathed the camp.

She took a few deep breaths and closed her eyes again. This was just a bad night, she told herself, a bad night after a bad day, there was no need for her to feel anxious. She was alright, she was alright.

The rumbling got louder and suddenly Bernie found herself starting awake, hadn’t remembered herself falling asleep, didn’t know how long she had been asleep, knew that she hadn’t dreamt. She blinked and suddenly there was a hand on her shoulder and the camp was awake and noisy and she was getting orders that she could barely process. She jumped out of bed faster than her brain could keep up with and pulled on a jumper over her t-shirt. Her superior was shouting instructions to his team, something about an accident, gun wounds and an explosion and when he was drowned out by a helicopter above he simply pointed to the medical tent and they followed.

“Captain Wolfe, with me, we have no time on this one, patch him up the best we can and then on to the helicopter.” Major Charlton barked, shouting orders to the others in quick succession. 

Bernie followed him over to the operating table that was in the middle of the small medical tent and they pulled on gowns as other members of the team readied the room and the table for the incoming casualty.

“What happened?” Bernie asked.  
“Bullet wounds to the back apparently.” He told her. “The best description they could give me, by the blood loss though I think it might be the spine.”  
“Jesus…”  
“So like I said, patch him up and ship him out asap.”

Bernie nodded before the tent became action stations. The poor man was on the table before they knew it and while Major Charlton worked on the back, Bernie was tasked with trying to stem a bleed to the leg. They were against the clock, in desperate need to get the man to a hospital to be treated but needing to make sure that he was going to get there alive. 

“Wolfe, you done?” Charlton asked.  
“Nearly, nearly…” She muttered, focusing on the vascular injury, trying hard not to feel overwhelmed and under qualified at such an injury.  
“I don’t need ‘nearly’, I need you done now.” He snapped.  
“Yes…”

The raw of a helicopter landing near sounded and the Major glanced over at her, having finished on the man’s spinal injuries, stabilising him for the flight.

“Leave it, they’re here.” He ordered.  
“No, I can’t leave it like this…”  
“That’s an order Wolfe.”  
“Well then I disobey it.” Bernie hissed, blinking, trying to focus, she had to clamp the artery but the blood was just pouring. “This man might well lose his leg if I don’t stop this bleed. You’ve patched him up your end but I will not put him in that helicopter until I’m done and I know that he won’t bleed out the second he gets into the air.”

She didn’t dare look up, didn’t want to think how much trouble she would be in. She just had to think, had to keep calm and really think about what she was doing. She got down on her knees so she was eye level to the bleed and tried to ignore her surroundings. 

“Wolfe…” Charlton hissed.

But before he could say anything else they were plunged into darkness that left them stunned for a second or two.

“What the hell --?” Charlton muttered before ordering the other medics around him. “Someone get Captain Wolfe a torch, get me some light for goodness sake!”

There was a scrambling around as Bernie stood, she had a cloth over the bleeding and a clamp in one hand and she was so nearly there. She cried out out of anguish.

“What do you think it is?” She asked the darkness.  
“Generator must have been shot out.” Charlton grunted. “Can somebody go and see what’s happening please!”

A young medic scrambled out of the tent and as she did a crack of moonlight came in, momentarily lighting the place before the flap closed again and all was dark. Nobody was being quick enough, they had been without light for too long and the bleed wasn’t getting any better. She glanced back over at the material that made the tent door and before she knew what she was doing she was shouting out and ordering the other medics to help her plan work.

“Can we get the front of the tent up please!” She shouted, and when nobody moved: “Now!”  
“What are you doing?” Charlton asked.

The other medics did as they were told and the flap was rolled up, allowing the bright moonlight to flood into the tent and onto the patient’s injury, allowing her to see perfectly what she needed to see. She could have cried and muttered thank you after thank you while she got to her knees in front of the badly injured leg.

“Brilliant.” She heard Charlton mutter, quite in awe of Bernie’s thinking.

She didn’t have time to be smug or to even think about anything else other than clamping the artery in front of her. Someone came with a torch and shone it on the injury for her. After a few painstaking, breathless, moments she managed to clamp the artery.

“I’ve got it.” She said. “Get the helicopter crew in here, quick as you can please.”

She dressed the wound as quick as she could and they got the man onto a board. The crew came in and quick as a flash had him out of the tent and across to the waiting helicopter. When they were gone, torches were shone around the tent, medics breathed out sighs of relief as they waited for silence to fall again. When it did and the only noise was from across the camp, Major Charlton spoke.

“Very good everyone.” He said, sounding as tired as they all felt. “At ease.”

The medics who were on duty went back to their posts as more casualties came in from the gunfire incident, torches in their hands and the rest went back to their bunks to get as much sleep as they could before morning came. 

“I’ll stay.” Bernie said, when it was just Major Charlton left.  
“Get some sleep Captain.” He told her.  
“But I can help.”  
“What about later though, when you’re dead on your feet? Look, I admire your want to work but you need to rest.” He told her.  
“But –“  
“No.” Charlton said, cutting her off. “You were exceptional tonight, you are an asset to this team but I know you Captain, you work and work and you barely give yourself time to get a break.”  
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Bernie asked, crossing her arms.  
“Get some sleep, Bernie.” He said, gently. “That’s an order.”

She stared at him for a few seconds before she sighed, taking a tiny step away from him. She felt buzzed, she still had adrenaline pumping around her body but she knew he was right, no matter how much she wanted to stay and help. She nodded.

“Goodnight Captain.” Charlton said, stepping around her and going to leave the tent to join his medics that were on the night shift.  
“Goodnight.”

When he was gone, she sighed and drifted over to the front of the tent where it had been restored to its original structure. She stepped just outside of the tent and inhaled the night air. The adrenaline and excitement had died down and her eyes were beginning to sting once more. She hadn’t actually slept more than seven or eight hours over the last three nights though she wouldn’t have told Charlton that. It was just a rough patch anyway and she’d be home in three weeks, she could rest then. 

She looked up to the sky again and found the moon. She wondered if anyone was looking up at the moon just like she was. Alone, tired, lost. Her mind drifted to Serena, as it often did, and she wondered if she remembered what she had said to her. Wondered if the woman missed her as much as she did her. She wondered a lot of things about Serena. She wondered if they were still friends, wondered if they had ever been friends. She wondered if she still felt the same way, though she knew that, ‘I love you’, that was engrained into her memory, which played on a loop when she was feeling down or when she was ecstatically happy and a lot of times in between. 

She smiled up at the bright moon and thought that Serena probably was looking at it too, she thought that she could feel it, or if she couldn’t she comforted herself in a pretty lie that she was more than happy to believe in.

 

Serena Campbell was one of life’s fighters. She fought hard for what she wanted professionally and more often than not got the results and the attention she wanted and deserved. She had decided, finally, that she had done her fair share of fighting at that she deserved some down time, that if she had to fight that it would be for something that would be worth it. 

Not a marriage that had gone toxic, that she had fought a bloody battle for, only to have it all blown back in her face. 

So she had fought for a new challenge, a change to her life that was hanging in pieces around her, to get away from people and circumstances that were still lurking around the outskirts of her life. 

That new challenge was America, was learning something new and meeting people different and making her life feel fun again, feel full, feel good. 

She made friends easily, kept in touch with Elinor back home at boarding school and tried firmly to forget about Edward. For the latter she had remembered what her friend Sian had once said to her, “Serena darling, the only way to get over a man is to get under another one…or twenty.” She had a lot of fun charming men and then bringing them back to her bed. She found she missed sex with Edward and though most of the men she pulled weren’t as good they fulfilled a need and she was perfectly happy to use them as relief and then never call them again. Soon though this got tiresome and she found herself using all the spare time she had outside of work, studying and writing papers and calling Elinor.

The effort she put into her work got the attention of her superiors and soon she was star employee and she was given more responsibility and more opportunities to shine and to learn as she did. She loved America and she was beginning to really find herself again. She was getting her edge back, her old Serena McKinnie bark, and for the most part she was happy. 

But there were nights when the loneliness crept in and no matter how many times she reminded herself that she was fine on her own and she didn’t need anyone’s company, the little moments still crept in and she wished she had someone to sit with on a long night in with only her medical journals as company. 

She fed her loneliness with work, wine, and more work, filling herself up with knowledge of procedures and aliments and hospital budgets and the latest tech. She asked her superiors for books and they had happily obliged, giving her armfuls and patting her on the back, dazzled by their best student.

So there she was, Friday night, tucked up in bed in her luxury apartment in Massachusetts, opposite to the university, flipping through an article that one of her bosses had given her. It was an article about management of causalities in war zones and how the nhs and other health care services could gain from methods used by medical professionals working on the front line. It was an interesting read but somehow familiar and Serena had to read the first few paragraphs a good few times because she was sure she hadn’t read it before. 

She glanced over at the clock on her bedside table and rubbed her eyes, it was only just turned nine o’clock and already she was ready to go to sleep. Fridays at the hospital were especially busy and after her shift she had joined in on a lecture at the university about budgeting for business, not getting back into her apartment until after seven. She was glad of the day off the next day and had vowed that she wouldn’t move from her bed until noon. 

She stifled a yawn, gave a sigh, and went back to the article she was reading. The sooner she read it the sooner she could curl up and go to sleep and that was all that she wanted to do. She turned over the page and began reading again. It wasn’t a bad article, it was well written and well considered. It wasn’t too stuffy or full of unnecessary words, it just got straight to the point and was easy to follow. She read the page she was on and turned over, realising she was on the last page. She yawned again and had to blink a few times, adjusting her eyes to the page as she reached the end. She glanced at the name of the author at the bottom and had to do a double take.

Captain Berenice Wolfe.

She read the whole thing again, finding familiarity in the words not because she had read it before but because it was Bernie’s voice. She couldn’t believe she had read the whole thing not knowing that Bernie had written it, not realising how utterly amazing it was because Bernie had written it. She looked back down at the name on the bottom of the page and couldn’t help but smile at it.

It felt like proof that Bernie was still in her life, it felt like the universe had sent her a little message because it couldn’t stand listening to her lonely heart ache any longer. It was confirmation that Bernie was healthy and safe and doing extremely well it seemed. It was what she needed, and she felt her heart swell slightly, felt a little of her worry ease, felt calmer within herself. She smiled down at the name again and whispered to herself in the empty flat.

“Captain Bernie Wolfe…impressive.”

She looked over to the telephone on her beside table and wondered if Bernie and Marcus still had the same number, wondered if Bernie was at home with her husband or whether she was away, up to her elbows in bloodied organs fishing around for bits of shrapnel. She threw the article onto the floor and decided against trying the old number she had for the woman, choosing instead to go to the window where the curtains were still open and tied away. 

She shivered slightly, it was getting into winter now and her slow summer walks where turning into mad dashes across the campus in order to avoid the cold American air. She lay her hands on the window sill, the cool plastic chilling her. She leaned towards the window more and tilted her head towards the sky, searching for the one anchor she felt she had to Bernie. The moon.

She doubted Bernie would even remember what she had told her the last night they had seen each other but for her the sentiment had stayed with her and she had held onto it ever since. 

“Will you – will you look at the moon too, if – if you ever miss me, that is…”

 

It had been near on a decade since she had seen her friend but she still missed her and she still looked up at the moon whenever she felt that loss. She hoped Bernie remembered but had resigned herself to the fact that she probably didn’t. It was silly that she held onto it but at the same time it gave her comfort that she was unashamed of. The moon was her anchor, her bit of sentimental silliness.

She smiled at it once more before shivering again and drawing the curtains. She couldn’t stop a yawn as she climbed back into bed, turning off the lamp and shuffling down in the bed. She closed her eyes but couldn’t help smiling to herself as she drifted off into a comfortable sleep, dreaming sweetly of blonde curls and deep brown eyes and whispered ‘I love you’s’ in green gardens bathed in moonlight.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Ten, Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little cameo from my favourite Keller staff, Malick and Chantelle, I miss them alright? 
> 
> Thank you for the continued kudos and comments and really sweet words! You are all the best!

Part Two

The next time Bernie hears about Serena it’s surreal but comforting. She’s in the car that she hasn’t driven is so long but she’s going nowhere in particular. She had left Marcus asleep in bed, not wanting to wake him so early on his day off and not wanting to wake the children either, she had slipped out on her own. She thought that maybe she would get the big shop in, save Marcus from doing it like he always did. She wasn’t sure if he had a list or any sort of system but she was sure she would manage, how hard could shopping be?

One thing that Berne had forgotten though was the sheer amount of traffic there was on the road on a morning. Cars and buses and whatever else were backed up and she gave a sigh as the car crawled centimetres at a time, green lights changing back to red faster than she could blink. She switched on the radio as she moved a couple of inches, Chris Evan’s breakfast show on Radio 2 coming on. She smiled as she thought of Marcus listening to the radio on a morning on his way to work or on his way to drop the kids off at school. It was all so domestic, a picture of a happy family life…just without her. She supposed she should have felt sad, like she wasn’t there to see it, but she just felt guilty that when she was away Marcus had had to do it all by himself. 

The kids were older now though and they got the bus to school or walked with their mates but the guilty feeling didn’t lessen because they had grown up so quickly, both of them near to leaving school now and really growing up. She thought it would get better, leaving them, thought the guilt would ease a little but it hadn’t. She found she just had a back log of guilt and her overriding emotion was now guilt. She sighed to herself and turned up the radio, pulling forward another couple of inches. 

She hummed along to the song that came on though she didn’t know it and craned her neck to see why the traffic had suddenly gotten slower. Up ahead she could see a car had just pulled over, could see the frost on its roof catching the low winter morning sun, it’s hazard lights flashing through frost coated plastic. The cars in front of her were going around it and she watched as two people got out of the car. A man and a woman, clutching their coats around themselves against the cold morning. The man had his phone already pressed to his ear, his face scrunched into a frown, but the woman seemed to be quite calm, they hadn’t appeared to notice that their problem was a busted tire.

She watched as the traffic inched forward again, biting her lip and wondering if she should pull over and help. She was sure they would have a spare tyre in their boot that could be fixed on until they could get a new one put on, it would get them to where they needed to be for now anyway. The man on the phone was getting more and more annoyed and Bernie couldn’t help it but put on her indicator and pull up to the curb behind the broken down car, knew she would think about it all day if she didn’t stop and help.

She reached for her coat and got out of the car, pulling on the pale pink mac and locking the car. The man was still on the phone, muttering angrily to someone so she approached the woman. 

“Car trouble?” She said, with a smile, getting the attention of the woman who gave her the biggest, most sweetest smile she had ever seen, her lips painted a pretty lilac, her perfectly made up eyelids sparkling grey. “Can I help?”

They both looked at the car before the blonde haired young woman looked over to her…friend? Boyfriend? No, just a friend, she thought. The blonde turned back around and rolled her eyes with a cheerful shrug of her shoulders.

“I told him we should have taken the bus, it’s more eco-friendly isn’t it!” She chirped in a high pitched girly voice that matched her appearance perfectly. “But he insisted he pick me up in his new car, just to show off, and now we’re going to be late.”

Her face dropped at the thought of being late and she became worried, looking around to her serious looking friend who had just finished his phone call and was walking towards them, his face full of bad news.

“Breakdown services said they can’t make it out until after peak time.” He mumbled. “Biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard.”  
“What are we going to do?” The sweet woman asked. “I have a meeting in fifteen minutes!”  
“I could give you a hand.” Bernie offered. “It looks like a busted tire to me, all I would need to do is change it for the spare and then you can get to work.”

The couple stared at her, the woman’s smile returning but the man looking unsure. She gave him a smile and shrugged. 

“Or tell me to mind my own business if you want.” She said. “I won’t mind.”

This made the man laugh and she thought he was quite handsome when he wasn’t looking so serious. 

“If you’re sure?” He said, and Bernie could tell that he desperately wanted her to be sure, he looked like he was barely late for work, looked like the idea made him ill.  
“We wouldn’t want you to late for work.” She said.

The small group went over to the small blue car that, other than the busted tire, was immaculate and very shiny, like he had spent all weekend polishing it for it’s very first journey. The man helped Bernie locate the spare tire in the boot and lifted it down. The woman took her coat claiming it was too pretty to get dirty and Bernie got on with it. The man helped all he could, handing his phone over to his friend as they started.

“You’ll have to ring her.” He said.

Bernie didn’t miss the fear on the girls face as she stared down at the mobile phone he had just put in her hand. The woman moaned, reminding her of Charlotte’s temper tantrums when she was a toddler. 

“Why me?” She asked, her tone whining. “Why can’t you do it?”  
“I’m helping…erm.” He shot Bernie a guilty look.  
“Bernie.” She supplied, getting down on her knees in front if the bust tire.  
“I’m Antoine.” He said. “Antoine Malick.”

They shook hands and Bernie decided she liked him, though he wasn’t as much helping her as just crouching next to her handing her the tools she needed. It reminded her a little of surgery and felt a rush of excitement knowing she was going back out to do her job very soon.

“This is Chantelle Lane.” He said, nodding towards the bright blonde woman, still looking down at the phone in horror.  
“Can’t I just call Mr Griffin?” She asked him.

Malick laughed as he handed her another tool.

“He’s in theatre all morning.” He said. “He’s got a list of electives as long as his arm, you know that.”

Bernie’s ears pricked up at this, so they were doctors…well that was a coincidence. 

“But she likes you more Malick, come on please.” She asked.  
“Who do you think she is?” He asked her with a laugh. “The Wicked Witch of the West? She can’t tell us off, a car breaking down is an unavoidable occurrence.”  
“She’ll find a way.” Chantelle said glumly. “You know she will.”  
“We’ll get it worse if she doesn’t know where we are.” Malick told her.  
“Fine.” Chantelle said through gritted teeth, dialling the number she needed and holding the phone to her ear. 

Malick gave a small chuckle and returned his attention to Bernie.

“Hard task master, is she?” She asked. “Your boss?”  
“Nah, not really.” He shrugged. “She just wants us to do our best, that’s all. I reckon that underneath all the layers of scary she’s actually warm and cuddly.” 

She laughed, thinking she’d had quite a few superior officers just like that. She hefted the spare tire into the empty space the busted tire had just taken up and began fitting it when they heard Chantelle talk into the phone, her voice small and nervous but still quietly cheerful. 

“Hello Ms Campbell.” She said.

Bernie nearly dropped the spanner in her hand, Malick giving her an odd look that she ignored. She worked at the tire, trying to listen to everything the woman was saying. Eventually she hung up the phone and stepped back towards them.

“She’s not in a good mood.” She said woefully.

Bernie finished the tire and Chantelle offered her a wet wipe from her bag to wash off the oil. Malick shifted the bust tire to the boot and shut it, joining them back on the grass verge.

“So, you’re Doctors?” Bernie said, attempting at nonchalance, her mind reeling at the strange coincidence that these random strangers she had helped might work for Serena who was very much not a stranger.   
“How did you know?” Malick asked, giving her a suspicious look.  
“The medical jargon gave you away I’m afraid.” She said with a smile.

Chantelle gave her back her coat and she pulled it on.

“I’m a nurse.” The woman said with a smile of her own. “Mr Malick is a Doctor.”  
“You’re a doctor too?” Malick asked Bernie.  
“Er, yes.” Bernie told him. “I’m a trauma surgeon.”   
“Wow.” He said, blowing air out of his cheeks.  
“Oh. It’s not all that really.” She said, suddenly self conscious. “You must come across a lot of surgeons.”  
“We have some brilliant surgeons on our ward.” Chantelle said kindly. “Ms Campbell and Mr Griffin are some of the best in the hospital.”  
“Ah, your consultants I take it.” Bernie said, trying to gage more information but not knowing quite how to go about it. 

Chantelle reacted to this by checking her watch and biting down on her lip.

“We’re going to be so late.” She said to Malick.  
“She’ll understand.” Malick said, perhaps feeling brave after the very macho job of watching Bernie fix his car. “Serena’s a pussycat really, it’ll be alright.”

The sound of Serena’s name hit Bernie like a freight train. She felt an instant rush of comfort to hear of her after so long but also an itchiness to see her, now that she actually could find out where she was. She could see the medics were going to leave soon so she sprung into action and made a decision, half to indulge herself and half for the benefit of the young medics in the sure path of Serena’s wrath. 

“Here.” She said. “Let me help.”

They gave her a puzzled look but she had a grin on her face from this strange and wonderful coincidence that she knew wouldn’t leave her face for the rest of the day. 

“Have you got a scrap of paper…and a pen?” She asked.

Chantelle found her both these things with impressive efficiency that made Bernie wish she had her as a nurse in the field. She instructed Malick to turn around and she rested the paper on his back. Chantelle came up behind her and watched her write a note.

“What’s this?” She asked, with some level of amusement.  
“It’s a note excusing you for being late.” Bernie explained, folding it and handing it to the woman. “Give it to Ms Campbell, trust me.”

Malick and Chantelle exchanged glances but didn’t say anything about how odd it was. She bade them goodbye and they did the same and soon Bernie was in her car, watching the car with its spare tire pulling out ahead of her. She pulled away herself and hummed along to the radio happily all the way to the supermarket. 

When Malick and Chantelle got to work their worst fears were confirmed when Ms Campbell was waiting for them, leaning against the front desk, looking menacing. Chantelle gave a squeak of surprise and Malick took a deep breath, bracing himself for the upcoming telling off. 

“Ah, Mr Malick, Nurse Lane.” Serena drawled. “It’s nice to see you finally gracing us with your presence.”

Chantelle winced at her tone as they stood in front of her.

“It was a busted tire.” Malick told her.  
“I didn’t ask why you were late Mr Malick, Nurse Lane has already informed me.” She said. “I would appreciate next time that you don’t both travel as a pair, much like the royal family I need one of you alive at all times, an heir and a spare as they say.”  
“Which one of us is the spare?” Malick asked, causing Chantelle to elbow him in the ribs.  
“Both of you if you don’t get on with some work.” Serena said firmly. “You are now over an hour late for your shifts, and I expect you both to work an hour overtime tonight to make up for it.”

Malick sighed and Chantelle nodded.

“Of course Ms Campbell.” She chirped.

Both Malick and Serena fought to roll their eyes at the woman’s unwavering enthusiasm. Malick gave Serena a small nod before going to turn away, before he could go though, Chantelle turned to him.

“Give it to her.” She said.

If the floor could have swallowed him up at that point, Malick thought he wouldn’t have minded.

“I’m sure Ms Campbell doesn’t want –“ He started.  
“Give me what?” Serena said, interrupting him with a glare.  
“A lovely lady helped us fix the car and she wrote you a note.” She said, happily.  
“Why?” Serena asked, frowning.  
“She was a brilliant surgeon, just like you.”

Serena didn’t know whether Chantelle had meant the blatant flattery but her bad mood took the piece of praise anyway. She looked at Malick who looked like he wanted to be literally anywhere else and she couldn’t help feeling the exact same. She decided to save the poor doctor that she actually quite liked despite his anger issues and his occasional total disregard for the rules. She held her hand out.

“Fine, give me the note.” She said impatiently. “And then will you please get on with your jobs.”

He handed over the note, cringing as he did so and she took it, turning it over in her hands. The small piece of paper was folded and on the front seemed to have a messy drawing on it that she had to look closer at before she could figure out what it was. When she did, she had to stop herself from gasping. The woman who had sent her a note, this apparently random stranger, had drawn a picture of the moon. It was a half-moon scrawled in blue biro with tiny stars scribbled around it, it was a messy doodle at best but it hit Serena with a wave of familiarity. She could feel the eyes of Malick and Chantelle on her as she opened the note but she found she needed to read the note more than she needed to reprimand them right now. The note was written in the same blue ink.

Ms Campbell,

I hope your doctors are better at their jobs than they are at fixing cars. Don’t be angry at them, they’re late because they were busy being charmed by a trauma surgeon who is slower than she used to be at changing tires.

PS. Malick is loyal and Chantelle is truly good, I hope you see that.  
PPS. I hope you like my drawing! 

Yours, Bernie x

She read the note over three times and then folded it back up, tucking it into the pocket of her scrubs. She blinked at the pair who were still standing in front of her and struggled with something to say. She couldn’t quite take it in, couldn’t quite believe that she had heard from Bernie on what seemed like such a mundane, normal day. Couldn’t quite believe the massive coincidence that was Bernie bumping into Malick and Chantelle. She cleared her throat and patted her pocket to make sure the note was safely tucked away and grabbed a stack of files from the nurses station. 

“Well, erm, thank you.” She said, weakly. “If you need me I’ll be in the office, off you go, Mr Malick I’ll see you in theatre in an hour.”

She went to go, turning back when Malick spoke, confused.

“Theatre?” He asked her. “I’m not scheduled for theatre.”  
“You wanted to be on the Robson case didn’t you?” She asked, having taken him off the case the day before quite unfairly.  
“Yes but – “  
“Good. An hour Mr Malick…Nurse Lane…good work.”

And with that she turned and left, leaving Malick and Chantelle exchanging looks of confusion, neither wanting not willing to question what was in the note or their boss’ change in behaviour.

***  
Serena had never felt so alone as she did when her Mother died. It was a long battle that they had fought and in the end it was both a relief and a deep pain that of desperate loss and horrible loneliness. Loneliness had become a big part of her life and she was used to it but this felt like the void had been cracked way open and she was teetering on the edge absolute isolation for the rest of her life. 

Like everything Serena thought that she was coping well but in fact it was quite the opposite and she really wasn’t coping at all. She was pushing away her daughter, favouring working extra hours over spending time with her. She had pushed away friends offering help, distant family members with their kind words and invitations for comfort. She was coping by covering it up and trying to forget about it and though she could see how unhealthy her coping methods were, she failed to think of a way to go about things any differently.

So she was stumbling around in the darkness. Trying to carry on with life as if nothing had happened felt like trying to fit a boulder into a teacup, nothing was working and she was making mistakes over and over again. Life felt like she was in a sort of limbo, or like she was living through her very own groundhog day, just going through the motions until something happened, until something gave and she either sank or swam.

She couldn’t remember if she had had any good times throughout her life, couldn’t see any coming for her in the future. She was truly lost and spiralling quickly out of control, losing her grip on the millions of thoughts and feelings and emotions whizzing around her brain.

Losing her Mother was a turning point in Serena’s life, one she thought she could never come back from…but she did.

The experience taught her to be strong, showed her how to control her emotions and how to deal with them in a less self-destructive way. She got through it by herself and learnt that she could, that by herself she could deal with a lot and that made her stronger. 

***

The first time Bernie met Alex, alarms bells went off in her head, and the warning lights came on and she had avoided her Captain like the plague. Alex was very attractive, she was cocky and confident, and had a million stories that weren’t extremely interesting but were entertaining enough in her rendition of each that she was known for them. She was popular and spunky and Bernie felt drawn to her straight away. So she did what she was good at. She avoided her and she didn’t make eye contact and she held her breath until she went on leave and didn’t have to think about her anymore.

Except she did. She thought about her when she was with her husband, when they had sex for the first time in nearly four months. She squeezed her eyes closed as she straddled her husband, rolling her hips, Marcus hard and wet inside her, rubbing her clit furiously, desperately picturing the hot medic as she climaxed seconds after Marcus. It was the best sex they’d had in a long, long time and Bernie found she didn’t feel in the least bit guilty that she had cum to her fantasy of Alex.

When she went back six weeks later Alex was there and they started to get along. Bernie learnt to live with her attraction to the woman and they found that when she actually bothered to get to know her, that they had a fair bit in common. The biggest thing they had in common was their love of music. They had seen some of the same bands live so they found themselves chatting until way after lights out about their favourite songs. They bonded quickly and they were soon inseparable. 

One of Bernie’s favourite things about being away was the feeling of being in a team, of being in a big extended family. They ate together, they worked together, they hung out together, they bunked down together. So it was only fitting that it was at dinner one night in the dining tent that she heard the whisper of a rumour about herself. She past the gossiping medics and went to sit down at a table next to Alex and a few more of her squad. She ate uneasily, fully aware that the other squad members on the table were behaving strange. The meal was quiet and when she went to the back of the tent to grab another bottle of water she couldn’t help but listen in to a conversation that was happening in hushed tones at the nearest table to her.

“Well everyone knows that Captain Alex is a lesbian, doesn’t take much to figure out that she’s shagging the Major.” One of the lads said.

Bernie nearly dropped her bottle of water as she spun around, trying not to be seen by the table. When she sat down at her own table she was flushed a dark red and everyone bowed their heads except Alex who gave her a puzzled look.

“What?” She asked.

But Bernie didn’t look at her, just at her colleagues with their bowed heads.

“What am I missing?” She asked, voice gruff and demanding.

The medics looked up at her eventually, sheepish, casting looks between themselves. She chanced a look at Alex and felt herself blush again, the woman just looked confused. She looked back at the medics.

“Do I have to ask you again?” She said, her voice low, dangerous.  
“What’s going on?” Alex asked, with a frown.  
“Lieutenant Jones, I believe I asked you a question.” Bernie said, ignoring Alex, trying to ignore her.  
“Bern, what – “ Alex continued, attempting to reach out to touch her, confused at Bernie’s sudden brusque behaviour.

But Bernie leaned away from her touch and glared at her, making the woman shrink back, undeniable hurt on her face,

“It’s Major Wolfe to you.” She snapped, causing a few people to look over.

Alex flushed pink with embarrassment and Bernie’s stomach sunk at her own behaviour. She turned back to her colleagues, her voice softer but still gruff. Her fringe fell over her eyes slightly and she looked at them though her messy mop of blonde hair, not quite meeting their eyes.

“Is there, or is there not, a rumour going around about…about me?” She asked.

Her three colleagues exchanged looks again and she felt like screaming at them, knew that probably wasn’t the best idea.

“It’s just hear say.” Lieutenant Jones said, giving a small shrug.   
“Right.” Bernie muttered.  
“But we know it’s not true.” Jones told her. “You’re married, and it’s breaking the rules.”

Alex couldn’t keep quiet any longer it seemed and Bernie visibly leaned away again as she spoke.

“What rumour?” She asked.  
“A few people think…they think you and Major Wolfe are having some sort of steamy affair.” Jones said. “It’s just a rumour though, it’ll blow over.”

The phrase, ‘steamy affair’ made Bernie’s stomach lurch and her skin set on fire. Her mind reeled at how many fantasies she had imagined her and Alex in, just how steamy her dreams were made her feel dirty suddenly and she suddenly felt as though everyone had climbed into her brain and uncovered the secret of her very physical attraction to Alex. 

She could tell Alex was looking at her, could feel her eyes on her, staring wide eyed. She cleared her throat and managed to pull off her scary Major guise.

“Kill the rumour.” She growled, scraping back her chair and standing up, drawing attention to her from the whole tent. “I don’t want to hear another word on this ridiculous insinuation, am I clear?”

There was a chorus of ‘Yes Major’ from the medics at the table before she spun on her heel and left the tent quick as a flash. She walked out into the hot and sticky air and quickly into the sleeping quarters, tears stinging behind her eyes, born out of frustration and embarrassment.

She spun when she was disturbed only a minute later, giving a groan of frustration when she saw Alex standing in the entrance. She looked away and then back to her and then away again and then in complete loss of anything else to do, began pacing the floor.

“Bernie.” Alex said.

Bernie could tell that the woman thought she was behaving odd, stupid even, which made her stomach tighten just little bit more. 

“Yes?” She snapped.  
“Ridiculous insinuation?” Alex asked, stepping towards her, her face annoyed and angry, making Bernie stop her pacing.  
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Bernie told her, looking at her now.  
“And how did you mean exactly?” Alex asked. “Am I not good enough to pull the almighty Major?”

Bernie felt her jaw drop and felt her false power stance fail until her shoulders dropped.

“What – no I –.” Bernie stuttered, not entirely sure what she was planning on saying.  
“Or is the ‘ridiculous insinuation’ that you might be friends with a lesbian?” The brunette continued.

It wasn’t that Bernie didn’t know that Alex was gay, because she had heavily suspected, had heard rumours before now about the Captain’s sexual orientation, but hearing it so boldly made it feel more real. Her attraction to the woman, her fantasies, it all seemed real when Alex said it, it made what she felt for Alex seem real and very, very scary. 

“Stop it.” She bit, just a little bit too loud.

Alex narrowed her eyes at her and Bernie knew that she knew, could see the cogs turning in her head, could see her working everything out, putting the pieces together. She couldn’t tear her eyes away.

“Or is it…” Alex said slowly, taking a step towards her. “Because the rumour isn’t so ridiculous after all...”

Bernie stood stock still as Alex took another step towards her, her jaw set hard, her eyes giving entirely too much away, shining this time with tears of fear and shame.

“I – I didn’t know you were gay.” Bernie said, her voice quiet this time.  
“Bullshit.” Alex muttered.  
“Fine.” Bernie said. “I guessed.”  
“Well ’m not hiding it.” Alex narrowed her eyes and took a pause. “But maybe you are.”

Bernie gives a laugh, that fills the tent and backs away from the brunette. She folds her arms, feels that jittering nervous energy rise in her chest, making her legs shake and her skin feel hot.

“Don’t be –“ She says.  
“Ridiculous?” Alex asks, sharply.  
“Yes.” Bernie cries, her voice high, her throat dry. “I have a husband and children and this…this interrogation is frankly ludicrous. I have every right to report you for harassment, Captain Dawson.” 

Alex just shrugged and moved closer, her face smug, showing no fear of Bernie’s (admittedly weak) threats. 

“Try it.” She said, voice even, calm. “I could probably report you for the same.”  
“What?” Bernie spat out the question.

Alex shrugged again and stepped closer still and Bernie could smell fag smoke and some kind of musky perfume which made her blink and lick her lips, losing her tight posture for a second or two. Alex smirked at the apparent reaction she had cause Bernie, her eyes flicking to the blonde’s lips before drawing her eyes back up and making eye contact.

“I see the way you look at me, I’m not blind.” She said. “I didn’t put it together before but now I understand. All those times I’ve caught you staring at me, staring at my lips when you’re talking to me, looking at my breasts when I’m in my vest…”  
“Stop it.” Bernie growled.  
“What about the shower?” Alex continued, clearly enjoying herself, trying to rile her. “Have you had a peak then? Those cubicles don’t leave much to the imagination…”

Bernie backed away, her face on fire, her palms beginning to sweat. Alex took a step forward, not letting Bernie get away.

“Do you think about me?” She carried on. “Do you think about what I would look like…what I would look like underneath you.”

This was too much for Bernie who brought her arms down from her chest and pushed Alex sharply away from her, making the woman stumble backwards slightly. 

“How dare you speak to me like that.” Bernie said, her voice shaking but with a sharp enough edge in it to make the other woman pause for a long second.  
“Hit a nerve have I, Major?” She asked, her calmness still intact.  
“What do you want me to say, hm?” Bernie said with a shrug. “That I wank over you every night, that I want you to shag me senseless in the ammunitions shed?”

“Wishful thinking on your end.” Alex said, a cocky wink that made Bernie want to scream out of frustration.  
“Don’t flatter yourself.” Bernie said through gritted teeth. 

Alex smiled at this, laughed even, running a hand through her hair in such an attractive way, Bernie couldn’t help but stare. She dropped her eyes when Alex caught her and took a deep breath.

“This conversation is over.” She said firmly, brushing past Alex as she went to leave.  
“What are you so scared of?” Alex said suddenly, making Bernie stop and turn. “Why not such admit it?”

Bernie blinked, this woman had no right to ask her these things, had no right to question her, she barely knew her. But she felt like she needed to defend herself, had always felt like she needed to defend herself. When she was growing up she had fancied Farrah Fawcett, had tuned into Charlie’s Angels just to see her shiny blonde hair and her never ending, bronzed, legs in her tiny crime fighting shorts. Her friends had teased her, called her a ‘lesbo’ and she had defended herself, told them she just liked her, that she was a good actress. She had been caught by Marcus so many times staring at women, staring because they were so beautiful and she was attracted to them, and he had laughed at her and she had defended herself, told him they had something she wanted, that she was jealous, that’s all.

And now she had to defend herself to this woman she hardly knew, who hardly knew her and who was not fit to judge her or how she felt or her sexuality.

Alex rolled her eyes and gave a sharp, short, laugh that was heavy with disgust and disbelief and Bernie thought perhaps a dash of hurt.

“I bet you go to bed with your husband and picture me while he’s struggling to get you wet, call his name instead of mine to make him feel good.” She said, cruelly. “Like a good little straight girl.”

Bernie took the harsh words with a straight face, just sighing when she had finished.

“You think you’ve got me all figured out.” She said. “And maybe you have…but I don’t have to defend myself or explain myself to you Alex.”

There was a silence between them for a long time, only the sounds of people passing by outside.

“Fine.” Alex said after a time.

She came towards her and Bernie found herself bracing herself as she came closer. She stopped just in front of her and they were still and very close for another second before Alex brought her hand up and tucked a stray bit of blonde hair that had escaped its tie, behind her ear. She looked her in the eye and waited for Bernie to match her gaze.

“I’m sorry.” She said.

Bernie could only blink, couldn’t seem to form any sort of words or even a mumble, was too preoccupied at the feeling of Alex’s hand by her face, in her hair.

“You don’t have to explain yourself.” The brunette said. “But can…can I?”

Again, Bernie didn’t respond, couldn’t respond as she watched the woman’s gaze slip to her lips.

“I like you.” Alex said.

Bernie did respond this time, couldn’t bare not to, responded in a way that she was certain Alex would understand meant she felt the same way. She kissed her, hard, putting her hands on her hips and pushing her against one of the small dressers by someone’s bed getting a gasp of surprise from Alex who started to kiss her back with as much roughness as Bernie.

That first kiss was the first of many, each just as rough as the first and with just as much passion. There encounters always left them out of breath and panting and Bernie had never felt a thrill like it. She learnt what Alex liked, where she liked to be touched or grabbed, how she liked to be kissed, where she liked to be kissed. 

The first time they had had sex it had been quick and messy but oh so thrilling. Bernie had never felt so alive and so herself around Alex and soon their encounters became something she looked forward to, needed, craved. She hated going home because she missed Alex and when she got back she was all too happy to go back to their little bubble of bliss they had created over the year or so since their first kiss.

Bernie didn’t see the accident coming as she laughed with Alex as they drove back to base after a call, could never have predicted that it would be a roadside IED, landing her unconscious in a turned over truck in the middle of a poppy field, that would pop the bubble and bring her back to reality and back to Holby City.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in celebration of berena's/holby's win last night woo hoo!  
> enjoy!

Robbie was gone, at least for now. She sighed to herself as she waited outside of her patients room, waiting for Guy Self to finish his procedure on their very broken, probably closer to dead than alive, man that had been wheeled in earlier from the ED. She should have been pleased that she had managed to patch things up with Robbie, and she was, she was, but also just felt tired. Tired that she was still having to mend arguments and grapple with dating and getting used to someone else being in her space. She had thought, when she had married Edward, that by fifty-one she would be past this, would have been married for long enough that even the suggestion of courting would make her laugh. She thought she would be happy by now.

She frowned at that thought. She was happy. She was happy with her work, was now firmly stitched into the fabric of Holby City, loved and respected by her colleagues and building up a good and steady reputation for being talented and useful and powerful. Her home life was alright, she had Elinor away at University and she was happy to see her daughter thriving and learning and having a bit of fun. She didn’t see Edward and Liberty which made her very happy indeed. Robbie too, made her happy she thought. They had fun, a lot of fun, and he wasn’t too bad in bed either.

But she still felt disappointed sometimes…when she let herself think of what could have been. All she wanted when she was a little girl was to be married and have a child and have a career and she had thought that once she had managed that, had gotten hold of the things she wanted, they would never go away. How naïve she had been.

Still, life wasn’t bad, not at all. 

“You make your own happiness.” Her Mother always told her.

And that’s what she intended to do.

She had fallen into a bit of a daydream when Guy Self appeared and demanded she walk with him across AAU and out of the ward. He asked about the injuries and Serena gave a sigh and rolled her eyes. She’d had enough of injuries and broken things today, the whole thing made her feel horribly sad and Fletch and Raf weren’t helping matters playing detectives instead of doctors.

“I have no idea.” She said, shortly.  
“Alright, well look, if you do get him to wake up, give me a call.” He said, already rushing off to another job on another ward. “But I seriously doubt he’ll get that far.”

And with that he turned and left Serena as Raf appeared in the corridor in front of them.

“Hey.” The Scottish man said in greeting to the Neurosurgeon. “How’s your Army Medic?”  
“I’m about to find out.” Guy said, continuing on.

Raf saw Serena and they began to walk back to AAU. Serena frowned, intrigued at the two men’s conversation.

“Army Medic?” She asked the younger man who was matching her in her turquoise scrubs.  
“Yeah.” He told her as they walked. “Unstable neck fracture, repatriated this morning.”

It clicked in Serena’s mind suddenly, just how this mystery man had come to Holby, and she felt sure that neither Raf nor Fletch were quite the detectives they thought they were.

“From?” She said, trying to give the poor man a clue.  
“Afghanistan.” He said, matter of factly.

She smiled, felt a rush of affection towards her friend and stopped, turning to him.

“Do you know where they landed?” She asked.

She watched the penny drop in Raf’s head and gave a shake of hers when he went running off.

“Mr Self.” He said, his voice carrying down the corridor as he disappeared. “Can you wait a minute?”

She rolled her eyes but gave a chuckle and let herself in through the double doors and onto the ward. She scanned the unusually quiet ward, everything seemed to be going well, all was calm and nothing needed her immediate attention so she turned to the nurse’s station and to Fletch who was sitting working on the computer.

He looked up when she approached and gave her a smile that made her smile despite how tired she was and how busy the day had been already.

“Alright, Ms Campbell?” He asked, his usual happy self shining through.  
“Hard at work, Nurse Fletcher?” She asked, leaning against the desk in an attempt to take some of the weight off her feet.  
“You know me.” He told her with a wink. “I never stop.”

She laughed, knowing he was joking but also knowing that he was one of the most hardworking person on the entire ward.

“Well if I could tear you aware from your work just for one moment.” She said.   
“Go ahead, Ms Campbell, I’m all yours.”  
“Lucky me.” She smirked. “No, I just wondered if you knew anything about the army medic up on Darwin.”

She assumed it was Darwin anyway due to the injuries. She wondered how she hadn’t heard about this mysterious army medic before now. Ric mustn’t have known or he definitely would have told her at their pre-meeting, meeting. 

“Not much.” Fletch shrugged, leaning back in his chair. “Raf was out with them when they came in this morning but other than that…”  
“Right…” She said, frowning at nothing in particular.   
“Everything okay?” Fletch asked, concern flashing over his face.  
“Yes, yes fine.” She said, standing up straighter and giving her a smile.  
“It’s always hard when you get a soldier in.” Fletch said with a shrug. “Feels different doesn’t it, knowing they’ve been out there fighting for you, they do amazing work.”

Serena nodded, that was certainly true, and every soldier that came through the door made her fear for the one she had known many years ago. Fletch went back to his computer when it pinged signalling an email and Serena was about to turn to go to her office when Raf came back and strode over to them.

“I think I might have the answer we’ve all been looking for.” He said, a triumphant grin on his face that made Serena roll her eyes.  
“The answer I’ve been looking for, Mr Di Lucca, is to my question of just when my staff think they’re going to do some actual work.” She said. 

Raf made his way around the desk and all but pushed Fletch from his chair in front of the computer. He seemed to ignore Serena as he pulled up the maps tab he already had opened and picked up the telephone. Fletch gave her a guilty look but she just shook her head with a tiny smile, if it made them happy and settled their school boy need for adventure then she would allow it. She leaned against the desk as Raf spoke on the phone.

“I appreciate it, thank you.” He put the phone down and pointed to the screen which was now showing an air field.

They leaned in closer as he explained. 

“Here.” He said. “It’s not marked on this map but it’s a private landing site.”  
“So they’ll be coming in low…” Fletch said.  
“Right around where he was found.” Raf nodded, he looked at Serena. “You solved it.”

She raised an eyebrow at him.

“And do you feel any better?” She asked.  
“At least now we know what he’s been through, we might not have any nasty surprises.” Raf said, standing up from Fletch’s seat.

Well that was something, Serena thought, though she didn’t know what they could do for the poor soul now, much like Guy she doubted very much that he would survive through the night.

“A little help in here please.”

Cara cut through Serena’s sadness and she suddenly had the feeling that the night was perhaps being ambitious. 

He didn’t survive the next ten minutes.

She could tell it affected Raf so she let him leave, dealt with the paperwork herself as nurses came in to cover the body and remove various wires and patches and whatever else they had had to attach to his poor broken body. She gave a sigh when Cara returned with his bag of belongings, handing her a note that she had found among his things. She looked at it and gave another sigh. It was all so sad, so desperately sad, the saving grace for them perhaps was that they knew he wouldn’t survive. This time they held no hope and maybe that was better. He had been a dead man when he came in, had been even before that when he had climbed up in the wheels of the plane. 

She thanked Cara and lugged the bag of belongings to her office, placing them by her desk for when she got back. She needed a coffee, strong and hot, that would keep her eyes open until she the end of her shift. She grabbed her purse from her desk and walked through the ward, hiding a yawn behind her hand as she went.

She joined the queue at Pulses in a tired daze. A lot had gone on today and her brain felt too full. Her long lost sister shapeshifted in her mind, what did she look like? Where was she now? Did she know about her? The terrible sadness of the dead man they couldn’t save. And Robbie, sweet and kind and busy body, Robbie. These thoughts and countless others were jumbled in her head, smashed together, each one resurfacing now and then to remind her that they existed. 

One thought had taken over though. Not really a thought, more of a feeling really, something that hurt but at the same time brought a touch of hope to her. The army medic on Darwin.

She shook her head when she got to the front of the queue and placed her coffee order. This had happened before. The smallest whisper of a solider, the tiniest glimpse of cameo, made something familiar and old flutter in her chest. She thought that maybe this would stay with her forever, enjoyed the feeling for however long it lasted, had long since admitted to herself that she was a foolish old woman.

She smiled at the barista, handing over the correct change and with a ‘thank you’, turned and left to go back to the ward, coffee in hand. She stepped out of Pulses and was tucking her purse into the pocket of her scrub top when a voice stopped her, making her turn on the spot.

“Excuse me?” The voice said, a voice of a young man in his very early twenties.  
“Yes?” Serena asked, with a kind smile.

She was hit with a wave of familiarity as the young man, with the darkest brown hair and the sweetest honey brown eyes looked at her nervously. Her heart skipped a few beats as she tried to figure out just where she had seen him before. 

“Do you work here?” He asked.

She blinked before looking down at her turquoise scrubs she was yet to change from, she raised an eyebrow when she looked back up and gave him a playful smirk.

“However did you guess?” She asked.

The boy laughed, his cheeks flushing pink, making Serena’s stomach knot as another wave of familiarity hit her. She’d seen that smile before, she was almost sure of it.

“I’m sorry.” He said. “I’m just a bit lost.”  
“Ah.” Serena said with a smile. “It’s easy to feel lost in a hospital believe me, sometimes I still feel myself wandering down corridors miles away from where I’m supposed to be, and I’ve been here a long time.”  
“My Dad’s hopeless at giving directions.” The boy said, glancing to the board near the entrance that listed the various departments in the hospital and where they were situated.

Serena followed his gaze and drifted over to it, looking up at the letters. The boy followed, staring up at it too.

“Let’s see.” She said. “What exactly did your Dad say?”  
“He said that I needed to come to Holby City Hospital and then he said Darwin ward.” The boy explained. “But it’s not on the board.”

Serena looked at him again with a slight frown creasing her forehead.

“No, erm…” She stuttered. “Well…Darwin is the Cardiac ward so…”

She watched him look back up at the board and frown. She knew him, she definitely knew him, he felt so familiar to her, and something about the mention of Darwin made her chest feel heavy and her heart uneasy. 

“Sixth floor, go to reception.” She finished.  
“The cardiac ward?” He muttered, more to himself than to Serena. 

He looked so pitiful, so confused and when Serena spoke, her own generosity surprised her.

“I’m on my way up there actually.” She said, though just five minutes before she had had no intention of going up to Darwin, had no reason to. “Why don’t I take you up there, find out where your Dad is getting treated.”  
“It’s my Mum, actually.” The boy said, looking at her again, an affection in his eyes at the mention of his Mother that hadn’t been there when he had spoken about his Father.

And that’s when it hit her.

“It’s Cameron.” She said out loud before realising she had indeed said it out loud.

The boy looked vaguely spooked, backing away just slightly. Serena felt her heart drop, her mind immediately going back to her conversation with Raf, desperately trying to remember the injuries that he had listed for the army medic that had been brought in.

The army medic being Bernie, her Bernie, Cameron’s Bernie. She felt her legs go weak and she had to hold onto the wall with her free hand to stop herself from stumbling. 

Cameron was still looking at her as if she had three heads and she felt like three might be useful as the one she had was currently drawing a blank for her, it was fuzzy and it hurt. She attempted a smile, that she felt looked more like a grimace and did nothing to put the boy at ease.

“I’m sorry.” She said. “I…I didn’t realise it was your Mother that was brought in, I should have realised when I heard it was an army medic, I should have known.”

She should have asked around more, she should have asked Raf, she should have been aware. Why hadn’t she asked? Why hadn’t she been aware as soon as Bernie had gotten here?

“You…you know my Mum?” Cameron asked, still just as confused as before.  
“Yes.” She said. “We…erm…yes.” She said. “Why don’t I take you up?”

Cameron shook his head, his face paling, he took a step away. Serena sighed out of frustration, realising that she had probably scared him a little.

“That’s okay…” He said. “I’ll find it.”  
“O-okay.” Serena said, her voice quiet.  
“Thank you.” He said. 

She nodded and he turned to leave but barely made two steps before turning back.

“Do you want me to…pass a message onto her? Or my Dad?” He asked.  
“No.” She said quickly. “No, that’s alright, you just…go see your Mum.”

He nodded and offered her a smile which she returned with all the warmth she could muster. She watched as he turned towards the lift and pressed the button. He got in and she turned back to her own ward, dropping her barely touched coffee in the nearest bin, suddenly feeling sick. She went to the nurse’s station where Fletch was talking to another nurse, he turned to her when she approached.

“Are you alright?” He asked, in a tone that was close to alarm. “You look a little pale.”  
“Where’s Mr Di Lucca?” She asked.  
“On his break, I think.” He said.   
“I’m going to get changed, can you tell him to come and see me in my office when he gets back please?”  
“Yeah, no problem.”

She nodded and thanked him and moved away from the desk, hurrying to the changing room. She changed back into her civilian clothes and returned to her office quickly. She let her shaking legs rest as she fell heavily into her desk chair. The room was silent and she felt the quiet calm her, let the muted sound from the ward outside slow her racing heart, relaxing her a little.

Bernie was at Holby City Hospital. Had been here since this morning and she hadn’t known. Logically, she knew there was no way or reason that she would know but she still felt like she should have. She should have been with her, should be with her now. Only now that she was in the safety of her office she felt scared. If she was to go up there, what would she say? Had Bernie even thought about her? Other than a random note years back she had heard absolutely nothing of the blonde and she suspected Bernie had heard nothing of her either. Would she want to see her? She didn’t know, couldn’t bear it if she went up there and was turned away, knew it would crack her already fractured heart.

She dropped her head into her hands and closed her eyes, only opening them and looking up a few minutes later when Raf knocked and came through the door. He frowned at her, concern on his face, just like she had seen from Fletch. 

“Alright?” He asked.  
“Headache.” She said, not completely a lie, her head was pounding.  
“I can get you some painkillers?” He asked.

Serena narrowed her eyes at him and tried to remember why he was there. Her gaze caught on the slightly dirty piece of paper that was folded on her desk and she picked it up.

“No it’s fine…” She mumbled.  
“Right.” Raf said. “Well, erm, John Doe’s gone down to the morgue.”

She sighed and passed over the letter, giving him a half smile, suddenly drained.

“What’s that?” He asked.  
“It was found hidden in his shoe.” She said, as Raf reached over an took the letter offered to him. 

She listened as he read the contents of the letter, flinching at the sound of ‘Kabul’, thinking of Bernie and John Doe and how different their journeys over had been. 

“This was found in his shoe?” Raf asked.

She nodded and reeled off the story that was told in the letter, watching Raf’s face drop more and more as she spoke. Eventually Cara interrupted and she was glad of it.

“Oh…erm, sorry to interrupt.” She said to Raf. “It’s Mrs Jakes.”

Raf nodded and thanked her and she disappeared, he looked back down at the letter.

“Do you want me to forward this to the coroner’s office?” He asked.  
“I’ll do it.” Serena said.  
“Well.” Raf sighed, his face hard set. “We got our answers.”  
“We did.”  
“Didn’t make any difference though.”

He left with a sigh, leaving Serena alone yet again. She looked down to her elbow where her phone was lying on the desk. 

Her jumbled brain threw out a shape of her sister, a guess at what she might look like. It jumbled back to Bernie and what she might be doing up there with her family, wondered what her family looked like now. John Doe was only trying to help his family, wasn’t he, trying to find money to help a family he would now never see again due to his brave but foolish pursuit for a better life for them.

She wondered if she got her priorities wrong at some point, wondered when that had happened. Wondered when her life had become purely about work, everything else taking a back seat to medicine. Wondered when she had admitted that this was the case and had given up on even trying to work on her outside relationships, her relationship with her daughter. When Ellie was little she and Edward had been her world and her work had always come second, when had that been reversed, when had work become her be all and end all, the only thing she cared about? She picked up her phone and dialled a number she was getting to know quite well.

He picked up after three rings.

“It’s me.” 

***

Somewhere, deep down inside, she had known that her sister was dead. Maybe that was why she could never settle on a picture of her in her head, because she knew that she would never exist for her, not physically exist anyway. It was still a blow, a nasty end to a short tale. 

Or maybe it wouldn’t be the end. Jason was a name in her head now, her nephew that she didn’t know. She wondered what he would look like, would he look like her family, her Mother, or would he look like his Father’s family? Would he fit in with the rest of their family with big brown eyes and dark hair or would he be fair haired and bright eyed? She had taken his card and tasked Robbie with finding out more, but for now she wasn’t getting her hopes up on finding him, she didn’t think her nerves could take it. 

Robbie had tried to get her to go out, to have dinner with him or a drink at Albies but she had declined, telling him that she had more work to do at the hospital. Technically she did, they had an inspection coming up in a few days and she had yet to sort out the rotas for next month, but she knew that these things could wait, she just wanted to be alone…or away from him, she didn’t know.

So he had dropped her at her car and she had kissed him on the cheek and thanked him before grabbing her handbag and pulling her coat around her and rushing up to the hospital. She went straight to the ward, giving a quick smile to Fletch who was nearing the end of his shift and yawning widely.

She shut the door to the office and sat down heavily on her chair. She rubbed at the dull ache in her forehead as she started up her computer. Her office was quiet, it was a safe place for her, and her work took her mind off the busy day she had had.

She told herself that she had only come back to the hospital for this reason and not for anything else. Not for Bernie upstairs in Darwin, not to feel close to her, not to go and see her. She sighed for what felt like the millionth time that day and started on her paperwork, willing it to take her mind to a different place.

An hour in and she hadn’t made much of a difference to her stack of paperwork and she was beginning to feel tired and irritable. Her headache had notched up in its intensity and she could no longer focus properly on the words in front of her. She put her pen down when she knew she wasn’t doing anything productive anymore and dropped her head in her hands with a moan of frustration. She was interrupted a minute or two later by Fletch, still in his uniform. He knocked and came into the office, a cup of tea in his hand.

“You look like you needed one.” He told her as he set the cup down on her desk in front of her.

She smiled up at him, could have cried at the man’s generosity.

“Thank you, Fletch.” She said.   
“And…” He said, remembering something in his pocket. “Here.”

He threw her a packet of paracetamol which landed right on top of her work. He winked at her.

“I know a headache when I see one.” He said.  
“You’re a good nurse.” She told him.  
“That’s what I always say.” He said with a cheeky grin. “Right, I’m off, do you need anything before I go?”

She shook her head as she took a sip of the warm tea, the heat instantly comforting her.

“No.” She assured him. “You get off. Go and see those beautiful children of yours.”

He looked at his watch and smiled to himself.

“I might just get back before bedtime.” He said.  
“Then go. Goodnight Nurse Fletcher.”  
“Goodnight Ms Campbell.”

He left and Serena leaned back in her seat. She took two of the painkillers Fletch had brought and then woke her computer, clicking on the internet. She typed with one hand, the other cradling her tea. She clicked the search button and hundreds of results came up on the monitor. She clicked on the first article, written a year ago for The Lancet titled, ‘Advanced medical technology’s in modern warfare by Major Berenice Wolfe.’ 

Her heart swelled as she read it, as it always did when she found an article written by Bernie. She had read this article before of course, managed to keep on top of any paper evidence of Bernie whenever it came up. She wondered vaguely if Bernie had done the same for her. She had had a few articles published over the years, had been mentioned in various things, had Bernie seen them, read them, kept track of her in the same way she had her?

She pressed close on the web page and picked up her pen that had been forgotten. She twiddled it in her fingers before dropping it again. It was no use really, she thought. Her head had been forcing her to stay here, keep her mind off Bernie. It had been throwing out every scenario she could think of to stop herself from going up there and just see her. The ‘what if’s’ were endless and it was that that was making her head ache. But in her heart, her heart that had learnt to take a backseat to her head, to her logical brain, was already upstairs with the woman she loved.

Her heart gave a hard thud and she put her cup down on the desk. Maybe that’s what she was scared of. That the woman upstairs wouldn’t want her love anymore, or wouldn’t even remember her declaration of love from years ago. She looked at the clock, it was nearly nine and she would have to go home at some point, she couldn’t stay at her desk all night. But she knew herself, and she knew her racing heart and she knew that she couldn’t leave the hospital without seeing Bernie, she had waited so long to see her again and she needed to see for herself that she was okay, that she was being taken care of and that she was safe. 

Technically she wasn’t on shift but as she left the office she checked how things were running anyway, AAU was her ward, it had become her second baby and she liked to see things running smoothly. She took her keys and locked the office and made her way out of AAU, deciding to take the stairs up to Darwin. Nobody was about at this late hour so when she got onto Darwin she felt quite alone as she came up short outside of the side room that Bernie was in. 

The room was in semi darkness, just two low lights at her bedside. Bernie was asleep and Serena had to let out a tiny sigh of relief at the woman she saw through the window. She looked pale, probably down to the surgery, her short hair was matted and her lips were slightly chapped but other than that she looked alright. She had a few wires poking in her hands, in her arms but she looked relatively stable. She felt herself relax a bit, hadn’t realised she had been holding so much tension, hadn’t know just how much she had needed to come up here.

“Ms Campbell?”

She was startled out of her quiet staring by Doctor Zosia March who had appeared beside her suddenly.

“Dr March.” She said with a smile to the younger doctor.  
“What are you doing up here?” The woman asked. “Did someone ask for a consult?”  
“No, no.” Serena said quickly. “I…I’m not here on a professional basis actually…”

She trailed off and couldn’t stop herself from looking back to the side room where Bernie was still sleeping. Zosia followed her gaze.

“I know it’s well past visiting hours but…” Serena continued.  
“You know Major Wolfe?” Zosia asked, not hiding how impressed she was.  
“Erm…yes, I haven’t seen her for quite some time but yes…I know her.” She said.  
“We’re all quite in awe of her up here.” Zosia told her.

Serena couldn’t help but laugh quietly because of course Bernie would have everyone in a star struck state not even having been here twenty-four hours yet.

“Oh, I’m not surprised.” She said fondly. “She’s had me in awe since we were in our twenties.”

Zosia looked from Bernie to Serena and smiled at Serena’s soft expression. This was a side to Serena Campbell she had never seen before, an expression that she hadn’t seen and couldn’t quite put a name to.

“You can go in if you want.” She said.  
“Oh…no, she’s asleep, I wouldn’t want to disturb her.” Serena said, crossing her arms over her chest and taking a step backwards.  
“You won’t.” Zosia insisted. “Just go and sit with her.”

Serena looked back to Bernie and decided there and then that she was going to go in, how could she not? She thanked the young doctor and as quietly as she could, pushed her way through the doors to the room. She stopped for a moment at the bottom of the bed, pulling the file out from the tray to look at her notes. Her injuries had been severe but she had pulled through it and now she seemed on track for a complete recovery. She let out a sigh of relief and slipped the file back in the tray and crept around to the chair that was beside the bed. She lowered herself into it and felt more relaxed than she had been the entire day. The room was peaceful and the light was low and being in such close proximity to Bernie made her feel a little calmer, made the whirlwind that had been her day seem gentle now.

She sat for a while and just looked at her, looked at all the differences in her person but also the similarities, the things that hadn’t changed. At some point she had moved her hand to Bernie’s her fingers touching the back of her hand, stroking gently, more to soothe herself than Bernie. When about an hour had past, Zosia came in and announced that it was time for Bernie’s hourly obs and that she would have to wake her up. Serena nodded and moved her hand away, sitting upright in the chair as Zosia moved around the room gathering what she needed.

“Maybe you’d like to wake her up.” Zosia suggested to Serena. “She’ll be a bit groggy from the pain relief, it’ll be good for her to see a friend when she wakes up.”  
“Oh I don’t know…” Serena said nervously.  
“It looks like she needs a new IV bag, I’ll be back in a minute.” Zosia gave her a smile and left the room and Serena wondered if she had done that on purpose to give her some room.

When she was gone, Serena stood and moved closer to the bed. She let herself look at Bernie’s peaceful sleeping face for just a second or two longer before moving a hand to the woman’s arm, stroking up and down gently. 

“Bernie?” She said, as softly as she could, her heart racing.

The woman stirred, and Serena brought her hand lower on her arm, scratching her fingertips softly over her exposed wrist above her hospital band.

“Darling wake up.” She said, trying again.

She watched as Bernie’s eyes flickered open and she turned her head with a little difficulty to look at her. Serena brought her hand up to the side of her face and gently made sure she didn’t move her neck too much. 

“Be careful.” She chuckled, looking down at her friend as she blinked awake. “I don’t want Jac Naylor telling me off because I managed to undo all of Mr Valentine’s work.”

Bernie laughed at this, her voice low and husky, she leaned a little into Serena’s hand, her eyes slipping closed again. Serena let Bernie indulge in her touch and herself in the warmth of Bernie’s skin. 

“Is this a dream?” Bernie asked, coughing slightly when her words came out broken.  
“Afraid not.” She chuckled.  
“Hmm.” Bernie smiled, her eyes still closed. “Your voice.”

Serena laughed again, taking away her hand with a slight protest from Bernie as she did.

“Come on, Doctor March is going to be back soon.” She perched back onto the chair by the bedside as Bernie opened her eyes, looking at her finally.  
“My head hurts.” She grumbled.  
“I’ll tell Zosia.” Serena promised.

There was a silence while Bernie took Serena in, just like Serena had while she was sleeping. Eventually she smiled again, eyes shining, looking much healthier than she had done when she was asleep.

“What are you doing here?” She asked eventually.  
“I could ask you the same thing.” Serena said with a smirk.  
“Ha.” Bernie said, voice still adjusting to being awake. “I think you can guess that one.”

Serena felt an ice cold chill run down her spine because until now she hadn’t let herself think about just how Bernie had gotten her injuries, what had brought her here. 

“Yes.” She said, voice clipped.

Bernie narrowed her eyes at her before holding out her hand for Serena to take. Serena took the offered hand without hesitation and felt Bernie’s fingers gently squeeze her own. She blinked away the tears that had come from her exhausting day and attempted a weak smile back to Bernie who was watching her carefully. She opened her mouth to say something, to explain just why she was here at this time of night when Doctor March pushed herself into the room with a smile. To both of their surprise, it was Serena who pulled her hand away from Bernie’s, straightening her back and putting her mask of professionalism back on. 

“Sorry to wake you Major.” The young doctor said with a smile. “But it’s time to do your obs.”  
“That’s fine.” Bernie said kindly.  
“She has a headache.” Serena said to the doctor.   
“Just a little dull ache.” Bernie countered. “It’s nothing.”  
“Maybe up her pain relief a little, Doctor March.” Serena told Zosia without thinking. “Make sure she’s getting enough fluids.”

Bernie and Zosia looked to her and she realised with a sigh that she had gone into full doctor mode.

“Sorry.” She muttered.   
“Of course, Ms Campbell.” Zosia said with a smile.

Bernie looked to them both for a long couple of seconds before looking back to Serena with a small laugh, a light pink dusting her cheeks.

“You work here don’t you.” She said. “Of course you do.”  
“Spooky, isn’t it.” Serena said, one eyebrow raised.  
“Lucky for me I suppose.” Bernie smiled. “I’ll have the doctors running after me when they hear I’m friends with the almighty Ms Campbell.”

Serena barked out a surprised laugh and gave a look to Zosia.

“It looks like they’re already running after you.” She said. “Even without my influence.”  
“Ah.” Bernie said, starting to feel a little sleepy again as the pain meds Zosia had just given her started to kick in. “Doctor March here has been very good to me.”  
“I bet she has.” Serena smiled at Zosia in a way that she hoped conveyed her thanks.

Zosia just nodded and then turned back to Bernie.

“All done Major.” She said. “The nurse will be in to check on you again in a couple of hours and I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
“Thank you.”

She nodded before bidding them goodnight and leaving them to it. When she was gone, Bernie offered out her hand again and again Serena took it willingly.

“I’m sorry.” Bernie said, her voice the smallest Serena had heard it ever.  
“What for?” She asked.  
“Ending up here.” She said, her eyes falling from Serena’s gaze.  
“Better my hospital than another one.” Serena said, with a squeeze to Bernie’s fingers.  
“That’s not what I meant.” The blonde said, raising her eyes again to look at her.  
“I know.” Serena said. “But you’re okay, you’re here, you’re holding my hand, and…well there’s nothing to apologise for.”

Bernie nodded and sighed heavily.

“My head hurts.” She said, her bottom lip sticking out just a little.  
“The pain relief will kick in soon.” Serena promised.  
“I’m so tired.” 

Serena nodded and looked down at her watch. It was after half past ten, she would have to leave soon if she wanted to get any sleep before her early morning start.

“I should go.” She said, trying to pull her hand out from Bernie’s, laughing when Bernie wouldn’t let her, holding on tight.  
“Stay.”  
“Bernie…”  
“Please, just for a little while.”

Bernie’s eyes were pleading and Serena melted.

“Try and get some sleep alright?” She said.

Bernie nodded and Serena pulled herself up out of the chair and leant over her friend, placing a kiss on her forehead, avoiding the various scratches and scrapes from the accident that littered her face. She sat back down and watched as Bernie drifted off slowly, clutching her hand as she let the medication knock her out. When she was nearly asleep she whispered once more.

“Is this a dream?”  
“No, darling, I’m here, go back to sleep.”


End file.
